'AITA for telling my DIL she is not a mother on Mother's Day? She calls her dogs my grandkids.'

"AITA for telling my DIL she is not a mother?"

I (64F) have three kids and they are all married. This post is about my son and his wife, Jenny. Jenny struggles with infertility and she has no children. My other son (DIL is expecting next month) and my daughter has recently had a her own kid ( grandson).

Everyone was busy for Mother’s Day and they couldn’t met up with me for the holiday (that fine, they are starting their own families). I thought it would be nice to send my expecting DIL/son and my daughter a Mother’s Day basket.

So Jenny always made comments that her two dogs are the first grandkids, I always thought it was a joke. She is big on being a dog mom. My daughter posted a picture of in the group chat of everything she got for Mother’s Day and included the basket. My other DIL also thanked me for her basket in the chat.

Jenny called me soon after and asked where her basket was. I was confused and asked what she meant (I thought she was pregnant and she was just telling me now). She clarified since I have two grandkids by her already and said her dogs names. I was even more confused at this and she clarified that she is her dogs mother and should have gotten a basket.

I told her she is not a mother, Mother’s Day is for women that raise human children and not pet owners. She got really upset and cursed me out for not getting her a basket and that she is a parent. My son is telling me to apologize and to send a Mother’s Day basket over. He is calling me a jerk for not sending her a basket and telling her she is a pet owner.

The internet had lots to say in response.

cola_zerola wrote:

Off topic, just getting out my soap box. Possibly an AH for saying that Jenny struggles with infertility, not that they do as a couple. Are you specifically sure that it’s Jenny who is infertile? I only ask because I’ve been through the hell that is infertility and everyone loves to assume it’s the woman’s, and only the woman’s, “fault."

If you do know it’s an issue only on her side, eh, fine - but it’s still something people endure as a couple. I just like to educate where I can. All that said…I’ve spent many Mother’s Days as only a “dog mom” and have never expected nor asked for a gift for being a dog mom from anyone, especially not my MIL.

Finally, infertility is insanely isolating. It’s truly hell. Maybe it would’ve been nice to give her a small gift as well, not as a Mother’s Day gift for her being a dog mom, but just to include her and not further make her feel so alone. Just an idea, and simply out of kindness.

thechaoticstorm wrote:

NTA. I'm sympathetic to her struggles, but she is being unreasonable. As much as I love dogs, dogs are not human children. It makes no sense to expect a Mother's Day gift if you have never been pregnant or adopted children. She probably needs counseling.

AiofeCherish wrote:

NTA. I understand that her infertility might be hard for her and she loves her dogs, but at the end of the day it really doesn't make her a mother. While people may love their pets (I love my dog), the reality is they aren't children.

OP responded:

Yeah, I tried to say that as nice as possible. It didn't go well.

InAppropriateMeal wrote:

NTA. But...since she struggles with infertility and mothers day and knowing your other DIL is pregnant must be very hard for her it would of been a nice gesture.

Savings-Breath-9118 wrote:

I don’t get y t a ‘s here. OP didn’t brag about what she done, the daughter-in-law did group pictures and chat about the gifts they’ve received. Mother’s Day is going to be hard for Jenny no matter what - and if she actually asked, where is my basket, it would seem very weird to me that the OP would then send her a basket of dog treats.

I think acknowledging her hurt and how it might hurt to see others get gifts for their children would’ve gone a long way rather than arguing with her that she’s not a mother. OP wasn’t particularly gracious, but I don’t think that makes her an AH.

longjumping_mood9835 wrote:

ESH. You say that she has infertility issues. Why would you not ask your son how she would react to a basket that makes the most sense to help cheer her up.

There would be so many beautiful ways to show your DIL that you were thinking of her in a caring way. You actively chose not to think of a way to honor her because she doesn't have living human children.

Now, if she was child free by choice, that would be different. I'm also of the opinion that getting someone other than your own mother/grandmother a gift is weird. Hosting a brunch for the whole family or something is different. The spouses should be helping the children get gifts for the other. That's just me though.

HisGirlFriday1983 wrote:

God you suck. You have no idea how hard infertility is. She knows her pets aren't her kids but you could have done something nice and include her so she doesn't feel more empty and broken on a day that is incredibly painful for people with infertility. Then to say she is not a mom is just so uncalled for.

I'm sure I'll get downvoted for this but you purposely excluded someone you know is struggling with infertility. You're not the AH for not saying her dogs were kids but YTA for going out of your way to make her feel small and excluded when you KNOW she is dealing with infertility. It costs nothing to be kind. You could have sent her a basket and a card that says motherhood comes in different ways.

lilgirlpumkin wrote:

Umm. The dogs were probably not meant as actual children, but as a way to say hey I'm here too...we aren't pregnant, but we have doggie children. The pain I hear in the DiLs statement, trying to express her feelings in a comedic way...with the other DIL pregnant. Shame on you all, where did kindness and empathy go?

MIL probably treated her children differently and had favorites.

It wouldn't have hurt her one bit to respond with a pets are kids too card and a few doggie treats, and it would have meant the world to the DiL.