'AITA for telling my dying husband the truth about spending eternity with him?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my dying husband the truth about spending eternity with him?"

I (F40) have been married to my husband for more than 20 years. When we met, we were religious and traditional, neither of us had any intimate experience before marriage, and faith was a big part of why we chose each other. Over the years our views changed, but I always believed that loyalty and respect were the base of our relationship.

About a year ago my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and shortly after that he went through a very strong life crisis. He told me he was terrified of dying having only ever slept with one woman and said it was haunting him to think he would die without knowing anything outside of our marriage.

He asked me for permission to be with other women, and hearing this deeply hurt me, especially after 20 years together and everything we had built. He insisted that this was something he needed to do before it was too late, and out of guilt, fear, and emotional exhaustion, I agreed.

For around two months he was active on dating apps and spent a lot of money on what were either very expensive dates or escorts. During that time our intimacy completely stopped and I felt less like a wife and more like someone watching from the side while trying to hold myself together.

Not long after, his health declined quickly. He started chemotherapy, lost a lot of his quality of life, and for the past three months he has been bedridden. I have been his main caregiver since then, and we have not been intimate at all since his diagnosis.

Yesterday he told me that he felt like he was on his deathbed and asked me to promise him something. He said he had been thinking about the afterlife and wanted me to promise that I would never remarry, so that we could be together in heaven for eternity. In that moment something inside me broke, and months of anger and resentment came out at once.

I told him that if he was truly worried about the afterlife, he would not have gone on an extramarital dating spree, that he should not worry about who he would be with in heaven because he would probably end up in hell, and that I would rather go to hell than spend eternity with him.

I also told him that I lost all love and care the moment he asked to be with other women while still expecting me to stay loyal and then take care of him when he became sick.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law walked in while he was crying and heard me yelling. I went outside and sat in my car crying and later went to my parents’ house. Since then my sister-in-law has called me cruel and evil for speaking that way to a dying man.

My mother and two sisters told me I should have just lied and let him die in peace. I feel guilty, but at the same time I feel relieved, like a heavy weight has been lifted, and I honestly believe that if I had stayed silent, I would have lived with that resentment for the rest of my life. So, AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Nyan_Cat_Chick said:

You are NTA. I am a PSW who has cared for many palliative care patients. You have every right to feel the way you do. Good for you for saying he lost that as soon as left the marriage. It can be absolutely excruciating when you’re trying to provide care and support for someone and they are just absolutely miserable about everything and the smallest inconvenience gets you snapped at...

(If they don’t have dementia and know my purpose is to provide care) and your body feels like a kettle is boiling. My paycheck keeps me calm so being unpaid and disrespected, I don’t blame you at all girl. Go you.

He could’ve respected his vows, had a wife that was loyal, respectful, ensure all his wishes were fulfilled, I’m sure sneak the odd treat to him that his family would be strict about him not having as well. He could’ve been known as a loyal and devoted husband his entire life and it seems in the face of literal life or death of all things he wanted to go on dating sites. I’d be on those dating sites same time as him.

You are correct about the resentment but from now on tread carefully because you don’t want to make the next move wrong. In the end you can look back and know you did your best and keep it that way. You voiced your opinion. Show his mom and sister the dating profiles and escorts if they reach out even one more time.

NOTE: I wanted to add, when he passes away I think you should spend some time single and get used to having a quiet home, just yourself and maybe get yourself a shelter cat. It would already be trained and just wanna live the rest of its days sleeping all day and getting cuddles but you can also enjoy some much deserved independence without worrying about letting a dog outside.

Have some fun and go out. Not even on dates. A movie alone, a long drive through your county, stay in a hotel a couple hours away. Gain some love with being in your own company. Do not give your everything to the first person that says the right thing.

otbnmalta said:

Absolutely tf NTA. Just because he's dying doesn't mean you have to put up with that manipulative BS.

NicolinaN said:

He definitely needed to hear this before he died. Dying doesn’t exonerate him from having been an absolute crap to you. I’m sorry. Why don’t you let his family take care of him? Why do you wipe his butt and feed him after how he treated you? Why don’t you tell everyone what he did to you? I’m angry for you.

ErisianSaint said:

NTA. He treated you like you were expendable and then tried to control you from the afterlife. He doesn't get to die thinking he did right by you when he didn't. Good for you!

iknowsomethings2 said:

NTA. He’s now acting like he’s the perfect husband who loves and adores you when if he truly did, he wouldn’t have stuck his dick in anyone who would have had him. Honestly if I were you, he would now make my skin crawl and give me the ick. I would not blame you if you let his mother and sister now care for him.

He emotionally manipulated you into saying yes to him sleeping with others. A coerced yes is not a yes. He betrayed your vows, therefore, I don’t think you have to abide by them either

Doggonana said:

NTA - His mom and sister should realize that you reap what you sow.

UPDATE:

Many people asked me for an update, so I wanted to come back and share what happened, but also to start by thanking everyone who took the time to comment or message me. After I left that night, I stayed at my parents’ house and spent hours reading through everything that was written, and I honestly did not expect this level of kindness, patience, and thoughtful advice from strangers.

In a moment where I felt very overwhelmed and alone, you all helped me slow down, think more clearly, and feel less isolated, and for that I am truly grateful. I decided to stay that night with my mom and she decided to give me a photo album. She has always loved printing family pictures and making albums and collages of us since we were young.

She still does it to this day, even from simple selfies we send her over the years or things we post on Instagram, and this one was full of photos of me and my husband from different moments of our life together, trips, family events, our first car, the day we bought our house, and even our second honeymoon. I think she hoped it would help me forgive him or reconnect with him through those memories.

I spent a long time going through the pictures, crying, and I realized that what I was really doing was mourning the husband I had already lost months ago. We were genuinely happy and we had a beautiful life together, and I think a lot of my anger came from losing that version of us. I needed to grieve the man he used to be and accept that the man who is sick and dying now is not the same person anymore.

I decided to come home the next day. My MIL greeted me at the door, with swollen red eyes, I assumed she had been crying. I did not feel angry anymore, I just wanted things to calm down, so I apologized and told her that I had reached my breaking point and reacted badly. I expected distance from her, but she hugged me and said she understood how hard it must be for me to see my husband like this.

She does not know the real reason behind the fight, but I think she was afraid that I would leave and let them deal with everything alone. She then started talking, we made tea, she opened up to me about losing her husband young, and while she was talking, I realized that while I was mourning the husband I lost, she was mourning her 3y old toddler, her 8y old kid, her 14y old teenager, her only son.

She spent hours going through so many stories. I do not have children, but I cannot imagine that pain, and this is why, even though some people suggested that I should tell his family the full truth, and even though he may not deserve to die with a clean image, I do not want to hurt people who had nothing to do with his choices.

My SIL greeted me and acted as if nothing had happened, so I did the same. I did speak with my husband. He tried to apologize several times, but I told him there was nothing to apologize for. He asked if I really meant what I said, I told him I may have said things out of anger but it was true that I no longer love him, I meant it.

I also told him that I would stay with him until the end, and that is all I can honestly promise. He seemed relieved, and I think he had been very afraid that I would leave. I decided to hire a nurse to help take care of him, because I think my presence is all I can realistically offer right now.

I also took seriously the many comments suggesting therapy, and I think I will pursue that. Once again, I want to thank everyone here for their compassion, their honesty, and the time they took to respond, your words helped me more than you probably realize.