'AITA for telling my ex that the child support is for our son, not for her?'
'AITA for telling my ex that the child support is for our son, not for her?'
So my son's mother and I did not work out. I travel 6 to 8 months out the year due to work. His mother has primary custody and I do send the ordered amount and some extra when I can.
Fast forward to Sunday I am back for the Holidays. I plan to take my son out for Halloween. He wants to be a Jedi, so I showed him my Jedi costume and asked to see the one his mother bought-I did send her extra to get the costume since I knew I would be back before Halloween just was not sure I would be back in time to get him the costume-she told him that I was going to buy it.
I was upset but just played it off and said oh that is right and it was in the mail. Thankfully I found a costume Yesterday.
I did reach out to his mother when I had a moment in private to ask her where did the money I sent go. She told me that I have no right to question what she does with the money. Our child's needs are being met and that is all that matters. She has primary custody and gets majority say. I told her that the money was meant for our child not her.
She was not awarded spousal support. This is where I am getting mixed messages and where I wish to know if what I said made me the @$$hole. My mom said I was being the jerk by questioning how she was raising our child when I am not around. I do not think I questioning her parenting but I did question how she used the money I sent. She said she would get him the costume.
If she needed extra for something that is related to him I will always send extra. Yes, early on I was more accommodating. While she was not granted spousal support I did cover her rent and also childcare but she took forever to get a job and when she did get a job it was a retail job even though she has a teaching degree. AITA?
Edit: I sent an extra 400 over because my son wanted a light saber he saw at gamestop which alone was 235 dollars. She did agree verbally that she would take him and get him the stuff he wanted. I sent her the money on the 1st together with the child support payment.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
VelvetPenguin87 said:
I get your reasoning, but YTA. Honestly why didn't you just buy him the costume in the first place? Coming from my own experience, I saw my dad weekly but he still used child support as an excuse to put eeeeverything on my mom, every decision & every parental labor.
If that's the case with you then I'd say yeah, she does get to spend the money how she sees fit. You traded in your say in the decision-making for the convenience of not raising your own kid.
randomwords83 said:
OP I think you need to make it clear for others that you were questioning what she spent the EXTRA money on as you gave it to her specifically to buy the costume. The way I read this is that you sent her the usual child support and then sent extra for the costume but she didn't buy the costume. So did she originally agree to buy the costume with the extra? Did she know that was its purpose? If so then NTA.
OP responded:
Yes, she did. She said she was going to take him to pick out his costume because I was not sure I would make it back in time to take him myself. I knew I would be back by Halloween though.
No-Mistake83 said:
I think just stop sending her extra money if this is an issue for you? And if your kid needs something she isn't providing, just get it for him yourself in future. NAH
OP responded:
My issue is she said she was going to do it and took the money. Then told him I was going to get it. I agree I should have just did it myself.
Ladyughsalot1 said:
But why didn’t OP just order the costume and have it sent to her home?? Why was this yet another one of her responsibilities? They both sound messy but OP gives off big “I give you lots of money so you’re greedy but I also have no idea what the day to day expenses of raising a kid are” vibes. Hope It’s not the case.
OP responded:
The money was sent on the 1st of the month. If she did not want to she could have said no and I would have had to figure something else out.
He later shared this edit with more info.:
For clarification the request about how the money was spent was because I spent extra for a costume since I was not sure I would be back in time to go pick it out with him. She said she would take him to get what he wanted. So I sent her extra money on top of the ordered amount.
Reason I asked for where did the money go was because she has not stated the original amount is not enough nor made a request to increase it. This counts for living expenses also. If she needs more she can ask I have never not send her extra if it is something our son needs. Though the amount in question does cover rent food clothing other general living expenses.
So yeah I will question if she states I need more for food when I just sent her money. Which has happened so our order is fairly detailed in what the money is supposed to be used for. Since she has lied in the past.
This is a live a learn thing. 100% going to talk to my lawyer in November and see what can be done.
Going to see about opening my son an account or something and either give the card to one of his grandparents either my mom or hers and give him money that way. Also considering going back and just giving her the base CS amount. I was not mandated to pay half the rent I did that by choice.
Toying with the idea of even having him stay with my mom if she cannot afford her apartment. Judge has already not pleased that she has requested two increases without doing anything to better her situation.
Maybe I can find a local job or something also. Idk. I got until Feb off. So will use this time to figure something out.
Update: going to leave it at this thanks to everyone especially to u/YesterdaySimilar2069. He is right.