'AITA for not telling my ex’s mistresses' husband what I know about their affair?'
"AITA for not telling my ex’s mistresses husband what I know….?"
To get to this I do need to share a bit of background. Me(30f) and my (32m) ex fiancé had been together about 10 years. 6 years dating and 4 years engaged (if this matters). He is in the military and travels on military deployments 1-2 times a year as of about 4 years ago. A few years ago he left for a fairly long deployment and wasn’t expected to come home until mid January.
During this time he met a girl he works with on his base “for the first time” at a Christmas party. He never told me about them meeting until one night while he was home he randomly mentioned that he needed to tell me something but wasn’t sure how I would react. He explained that they met for the first time at a Christmas party and how she was depressed about her weight and relationship.
They became friends and they would walk the running track and talk about her relationship and he would talk about ours and they became friends. He pushed the friendship part a bit much but said she was married and how it would be nice for us to have more couple friends and how she wants to meet me and he wanted to get to know her husband. So at this point I truly believed it.
We made plans to meet out for dinner and go to a bar after for drinks and games. Everything seemed great, no awkward tension and I just felt I would be able to tell if something was more than just friendship. We continued to have some hangouts and even had them over to dinner at our home. I became friends with her on fb and we would talk here and there.
Fast forward to June of last year a few days after my birthday I was at work(I work overnights) I randomly get a friend request from her husband around 1-2am and accepted it. Immediately following was a message that I still remember quite like it was yesterday. “Your scumbag was cheating with my scumbag.”
My heart sank and I questioned it for a bit. But he said he had gone through her phone and found messages back and forth between them that confirmed it all. I spiraled……tried blowing up my fiancé’s phone but knew he was asleep. The husband said he kicked her out and i spiraled even more thinking she would go to my house.
So I watched the cameras we had outside for hours. I timed it perfectly for when his alarm was set to go off to call him and try to confront him before he had time to try and make up a story. He confirmed it and my life got flipped upside down. I’ll spare you the in between.
Fast forward to last October to this past January. Another long deployment. We aren’t together but he had been begging to try again. Trying to do some work on himself but not wanting to let go. Opening up and having conversations I begged to have while we were in a relationship.
So I was there for him to talk to and be a friend. I knew there would be some crossover of the coworker and him during the deployment but he was adamant he wanted nothing to do with her anymore. When he came home he was very depressed and I was scared he was actually going to hurt himself. So I became his comfort and safe place.
He didn’t want to be alone much so he slept on my couch for weeks. He finally opened up to me about what was causing the depression. He had in fact met up with the coworker and they slept together multiple times. He explained that the first time they cheated they came up with a cover story together that if they were to get caught they would tell myself and the husband they only kissed once.
But the truth was they had kissed more than that and had shared nudes. It became their own little fantasy world. She told him she would leave her husband for him and he would leave me for her. They talked all the time and she would complain about her romantic life with her husband to him and that’s what started the photos and texting.
But then she told him she wasn’t planning on leaving her husband and that she wanted to work it out with him. This second time was the first physical encounters they had. Which again started with her telling him about how she missed him and wanted to leave her husband for him.
He said he fell for it and I do believe some of it due to what a manipulative person she was. Towards the end of the deployment she kinda ghosted him. Now back to the title of this post. I know everything that has happened but her husband still doesn’t know about the lies from the first time and has no clue about the second time with her physically cheating.
I still have him as a friend on fb and he seems happy. Should I tell him everything I know or let it be? This has been eating me up for monthssss. Please help!!!!
What do you think she should do? AITA if she doesn't tell the mistress' husband everything she knows about their affair?
This is what commenters had to say:
KaleidoscopeEven7463 said:
He reached out and told you because it’s the right thing to do. It’s time for you to return the favour.
Wed_PennyDreadful13 said:
Odd's are she's going to do it again. He did you a solid so return the favor.
grumpy__g said:
You are a terrible person if you don’t tell him.
And kick your ex out of your life. His depression is not your problem.
Corfiz74 said:
He helped you by telling you what was up - I don't know why you'd wait for months before informing him - it could have helped him during the divorce proceedings. And stop being your ex's emotional support animal - the ahole cheated on you, multiple times, and yet you are still his comfy blanket to fall back on. How will you ever move on and start dating anyone, if he still occupies such a large space in your life?
Bleacherblonde said:
Way to let your husband be blameless and let her take all the fall. You deserve anything that happens to you from here on out. You’re being blinded and ignorant- wake up. Yes tell the husband. And stop letting yours off the hook. He cheated- he lied- he screwed you over. Not her. You aren’t married to her.
And OP responded:
And yes I know he was manipulative as well I’m not saying he wasn’t
enoki_ said:
Don’t tell him, he knows she cheated and has already gone through it. If he seems happy now just leave him be, knowing more won’t help him.
And OP responded:
Yes they are still together I probably should have included that in the post. He knows the story they made up about the first time but has no clue about the second time or the continued cheating with other men while she is on her deployments
OP added in the comments:
Unfortunately it hasn’t just been my ex and she is still continuing to cheat and the poor guy is clueless. :( I just feel awful with the guilt of knowing I wish I could forget it