'AITA for telling my ex's mom I would never marry into their orthodox family and making her cry?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my ex's mom that I would never marry into their orthodox family and making her cry?"

I am still reeling from this myself. We are Indians, and respecting our elders is drilled to us first-hand. But this feels crazy to me. Ex (24M) and I (23F) dated for a year in high school. A YEAR. And I got good grades in entrance tests, left for a good university, moved for higher studies abroad, and I swear, I haven't seen or heard from this guy after leaving high school.

Last I heard from old school friends was that he was doing a very good job in his career. I haven't been home in two years, so I came back to see my parents, and because of some issues I am stuck here for an extra month.

Again, we grew up in different circles. My parents were never friends with my ex's mom, who since we were in middle school would hound my mother in parents teacher conferences on how nice it must be to "come to your daughter's school in AC cars." and how my ex's family could never do that because they are "humble people."

My dad takes nobody's barbs and after that he would loudly ask my ex's parents every time he saw if if they needed to be dropped off somewhere. And I found out later that his mom used to tell my friends (if I was not there) that my parents were "show-offs". Still, she was nice to me.

My entire school life, both my ex and I competed to be the highest in class. We came from a pretty large town, but went to the same school for years, and I was one of his closest friends. I also happen to be the eldest daughter of a brown household with a mother who has been sick for years, and I have been picking up slack since I was 11.

When I lived at home I used to handle the majority of chores, took care of my younger sister, and managed my studies. I didn't do it to get recognition, and my parents never told me to do all these. They were just constantly in and out of hospitals.

But my ex's mom got it to her head that I would be the 'perfect daughter-in-law'. Mind you I was a kid. Her son was a kid. We were in HIGH SCHOOL. And even though we are a fairly progressive community (Bengalis), he came from a severely conservative family, where women never worked, house help was not allowed, and you can't wear anything except traditional wear.

I would literally rather stab myself in the eye than have married him. And telling my ex this is what led to our breakup. Ex's mom saw me after a long time, when I was out with my mom and sister at a function. Immediately hugging me, telling me how pretty I've become, etc.

I was very respectful, and made small talk, then went away. Except the next day, she calls my dad up, and sends her son's match to me. She told my dad I'm not getting any younger, her son is doing very good, and she has known for years how responsible and talented I am at household work.

How this was the best opportunity for ex and me. My dad passed the phone to me and told me to handle this myself. At first, I was very polite and told her I didn't see her son that way and that I lived abroad and was not going to marry for at least 5 years.

She got mad at that, and told me her son liked me a lot, and I should be respectful of my elders, and that she was praising me, so I should be considerate of her proposal. I was just done, and I told her our family would not accept her son, and there was no way I was going to marry into her ultra-conservative family.

I told her not to bring this up ever again and hung up. My ex calls me after years. We hadn't blocked each other because the breakup wasn't that bad. But he was so mad that apparently I made his mom cry, and how I am so high up on my own horse that I am looking down on him.

I told him his mom was ridiculous, and why on earth would she ever think I'd sacrifice my happiness to be slave to his family? We got into a pretty nasty fight, and I ended up telling him to go cry on his mother's lap.

I think there will be more drama after, because I know he and his mom are people who go around spreading misinformation. But my own mom thinks I was too rude. She says I could have handled it more respectfully, or made up a lie. My mom is a very soft- hearted person, and she feels I have made my ex's mom feel lesser than us.

Two of my old school friends (I don't talk to them) send me texts on how they expected better of me, and this is why they don't like me (I don't care.) But the fact that my mom thinks that I was wrong is making me feel really bad. AITA?

The internet had OP's back all the way.

romanaribella wrote:

Hey, I know culturally ingrained stuff like this is hard to navigate, but you didn't do anything wrong. You were polite until the other party refused to back down because they're so accustomed to getting their way that not getting it feels like an affront.

You are not responsible for managing the feelings of someone who isn't told no often enough to have learned to accept it gracefully. That's not on you. But I'm sorry that you're struggling with feelings about it. Try to put them aside, because you really didn't do anything wrong.

Edit: How much people-pleasing and not-rocking-the-boat is ingrained in your mum? Mine is the same (though we're Italian, not Indian.

But my partner is Indian and we've both learned that our family dynamics are often very similar). But we don't have to set ourselves on fire to keep other people warm. That's not healthy for anyone, and brings only the illusion of peace and harmony. Definitely NTA.

OP responded:

My mom was the youngest daughter of a pretty conservative family. Bullied her entire life, and hardly ever raises her voice. But she fought with her entire family to marry my dad for love. She is very soft spoken, very kind-hearted.

The idea of someone feeling bad because of her is unacceptable. I have been also called very well- behaved since I was a kid and this is one of the rare instances where my mom is not on my side. I understand that she is still very sheltered, but she's my mom, which is why I'm doubtful.

Ginger630 wrote:

NTA! Tell your friends to marry him then. I’m so glad your dad let you handle it. Your mother is okay with your ex’s mother saying rude things about your family and you? She’s ok with you sacrificing your life to cook and clean for this family?? You did the right thing. Now block them all and live your life.

OP responded:

My mom in no way shape or form wants me to marry. At all. She is much more career oriented than my dad, and I have always had full support from her to do whatever I want. In this case, it was about rudeness. My mom was like : " I know they are crazy, but you could have let them down more politely. What if they go around telling people we are snobs."

Razmoon wrote:

NTA.

"My dad passed the phone to me and told me to handle this myself."

That's all you need to digest. Your Dad has the utmost respect for you. He knew that he was going to go off on her. Figured that you would be more diplomatic but firm. In all fairness, you were respectful and firm in your NO.

She decided to keep pushing. Like she has a say on how you should live via her decree. So, you, IMO, were still respectful. You point blank stated why this proposal was a NO GO without being nasty. You then hung up the phone, underlining that the 'conversation' was ended. There was no point in further engaging as she was not listening at any point.

That she cried afterwards, is not your problem. You in no way attacked her as a person. You rightly pointed out that there was no love match and that your lifestyles are incompatible. You didn't attack her for her lifestyle. You pointed out that it was not compatible with the way that you live your life.

It just sounds like your Mom is a soft touch for other's feelings. She is misguided in thinking that you were too harsh. IMO, you were respectful throughout the exchange. That your ex's Mom had a crying tantrum is not your problem. Your ex already knew where you stood. He sounds like an entitled brat to even entertain having his mother approach your family for a match.

OP responded:

I don't know why on earth my ex even let his mom send the match. Because we literally broke up because I wouldn't have adjusted to a future with him. We had this convo when we were 17.

Yes, my dad is kind of the best. He has always been like "tell this people off for me, because if I start talking I'll curse them out." The problem has never been my dad. Even when I asked my ex what exactly was he thinking not stopping his mom from calling my dad, he got more mad and accused me of 'thinking that my family is above everyone.'

A_Stones_throw wrote:

Hahahahahahaha, so wait this old lady whom you haven't seen in YEARS now thinks you will be the perfect daughter-in-law? What kinda d#$gs is she smoking, cuz I want some then. On a more rational note, you WERE polite and respectful, up until the point she wasn't polite and respectful to you.

Both her and your ex, this ain't the olden times, elders are a voice to be heard not a law to be followed. They don't like it, they can Google 'How to apply cold water to burn' and move on.

Eleven days later, OP shared an update.

I booked a ticket, and I am going back home to my city in two weeks. I would have stayed longer, but there are too many cultural programs around this time of the year, and well, as much as I love my parents, I love my late-night walks with my friends and waking and eating whatever, which, living under your parents' roof, is not possible.

Ex's mom called my mom after getting her number, FROM THE OLD PARENT'S WHATSAPP GROUP OF MY HIGH SCHOOL. This woman is crazy. My mom is scared she may be one of those 'psychotic ones.'

She called my mom and told her they got off on the wrong foot, and she got too excited at the prospect of me being in the family, but her son said he wouldn't marry anyone else, so please consider. My mother told her she would never ask me to marry a man who did not have the guts to talk to me myself and got his mother to do his work for him (yay, mom).

My mom had a very stern tone towards her then. She told both my ex and his mom that since we are "snobs," then these snobs are not ruining their daughter's life by forcing her to marry into such a conservative, problematic household.

And yes, since they think we think of them as lower than us, they are lower than us. So they should stop bothering us because we are such awful people and they are so 'humble'. I knew letting my ex piss of my mom was the right move because she is actually terrifying when mad.

My sister and I were laughing when Maa was on call, so I didn't hear the last part. But she told me she handled it, and I should focus on my work on not let such idiots bug me again. Turns out it was my ex's idea, as I suspected, and he made his mom harass me to agree to be with him again.

I still don't understand why, because my ex had made it very clear how much he hates me and everything I stand for; he said my independence would make me a horrible wife, I am selfish and can't love anyone, etc. Every time I replied, " I can love, you are just not worth it", he would yell at me. Our breakup all those years ago, looking back, seems pretty funny to me.

I had a trusted mutual friend deliver a sober message to my ex that I did not like him. I stopped liking him at 17 and have always considered him an annoyance at best. There was no way anything was happening. And he should apologize to his mom for embarrassing her. From what I heard back, he was told our friend he understood, and wouldn't bother me again. So there is that.

As much as I like drama, I am thinking of skipping it for the next couple of visits to me parents, so I think I'll ask them to come stay with me instead.

Thank you for all the comments. I just needed some insight and those were very helpful.

The internet had lots to say in response.

RonRon8888 wrote:

Could be because the ex’s family think you and your family are so high up and snob, acquiring you would have been a win. Then the ex and his family will make your life a living hell, being their sl-ve.

Curious_Run9679 wrote:

These kind of exes are truly mad. They treat you badly when you are with them, then realize what they have lost, then come crawling back, and sometimes deploy flying monkeys.

Good on you for standing ground OP. And kudos to your mum!

Rezolution20 wrote:

So glad to hear you have such great parents. I've known people from other cultures who had arranged marriages, and only one of them was actually happy. A good friend of mine could never get her husband to discuss how to satisfy her sexually, he absolutely refused.

She's lived in a non-fulfilling marriage for almost 30 years now. Ex and his mom sound like they have a few loose screws, and I guess if your ex won't marry anyone else, he's gonna be one lonely old man in the future.

[deleted] wrote:

At least you know he has been pining after you and is miserable.

Your ex and his family sound like a class act, though.