'AITA for telling my family that my sister implied she doesn’t want me at her wedding?'

"AITA for telling my family that my sister strongly implied that she doesn’t want me at her wedding, causing most of them to RSVP no?"

My sister and I have always had a complex relationship and are very different from one another but I do love her and only want her to be happy.

She got engaged a few months ago and at the beginning of last month she called me and told me that they’re going to have the wedding in Alberta since his whole family is there, then she said that she wants me there but would “totally understand” if I didn’t come since I don’t fly and it’s a 3-4 day drive.

At that moment I didn’t realize she was telling me not to come so I told that I wouldn’t miss it for the world, that I would drive with our cousin and make a road trip out of it.

Last Thursday I got my invitation and when I called to RSVP I asked about the dress code, since my dad told me that she emailed him about a certain color suit and tie so they could coordinate the pictures.

She told me that I didn’t have to worry about that, that it’s nothing personal but because I have stretched ears, piercings and a tattoo on my hand, I don’t fit the aesthetic they’re going for, so if I come we’ll take pictures with just us but I won’t be in THE pictures.

I don’t cry often but that made me cry and I told her that if she doesn’t want me there I won’t go, she didn’t say anything and we hung up. On Friday I had lunch with my grandparents and my uncle and told them about it, my grandmother got so upset that she started crying and told me that if I’m not welcome neither are my grandparents.

My aunt and her husband and all my cousins RSVP’d no as well and my brother and parents are thinking about not going as well. Although it means the world that they love me so much I feel awful, like I’ve ruined my sister’s wedding, that I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Tell me, AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

No_Donkey9914 wrote:

NTA and OP weddings bring out the worst in some people so try not to take it too personal. It’s her problem.

OP responded:

Thank you.

G1Gestalt wrote:

Honestly, you'd have to be a bit dense to not get the message his sister was sending him. She "totally understands" if OP doesn't come. OP won't be in the wedding photos. Silence when asked if she didn't want OP to come. Gimme a break. NTA, OP. Your sister made her feelings known and now your family is showing solidarity and making their feelings know.

Blaming yourself takes away their agency, their choice. Blaming yourself implies that your entire extended family can't think for themselves.

I completely understand your response and even your instinct to blame yourself, but your sister has absolutely nobody to blame but herself, and your family absolutely has the right to come together and show you (and your sister) how much you mean to them. Don't let anyone (or any commenter) tell you differently.

OP responded:

I’m a he btw, we are brother and sister not two sisters. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

lemon_charlie wrote:

NTA. You didn't ask anyone to not attend, you simply conveyed that she was doing everything short of actually articulating directly that you weren't welcome. If the wedding is ruined, then it was ruined in pursuit of fulfilling an aesthetic over being a celebration with family present. How much initiative has she taken in the sibling relationship?

BoobySlap0506 wrote:

NTA, and you haven't ruined your sister's wedding; your sister is ruining your sister's wedding. I can't understand the attitude of everybody needing to fit a certain "aesthetic" in order to be special enough to attend a wedding. Wtf. Just invite the people you want to to celebrate with and enjoy the evening.

Weddings don't need to be as complicated as some people make them. Hopefully she realizes her mistake and clearly she doesn't get to have her picture perfect day while making a family member feel like shit. She definitely owes you an apology.

yeahoooookay wrote:

NTA. Your family has your back. They disagree with the crappy way your sister is treating you and won't stand for it.

Your sister FA and FO. That's on her.

Top-Artichoke-5020 wrote:

NTA. Your sister has obviously not cultivated much loyalty in the family. Apparently, she's not any nicer to them than she is to you. Your sister is an AH. You did nothing wrong by telling the truth. SHE ruined her wedding by her attitude towards you. Sharing what she said and why you're not going to the wedding is not a crime.

If she didn't want it to get around, then she shouldn't have said it.
I can't even say my sister and I are friendly but I would never, ever dream of excluding her from my wedding! You and your family should hold a party for everyone not going.

bamf1701 wrote:

NTA. This isn't your fault or your decision. Your sister made the decision that you didn't "fit the aesthetic they were looking for." If it ruins her wedding, than this is on her and the decisions she made. Your family is saying that they do not appreciate your sister purposely excluding a member of the family from the wedding. No decision you made led to this.

You did not tell your grandparents about this out of spite - you were simply seeking comfort.It is a mark in your favor that you feel guilty about this - it shows that you do want the best for the people around you. But you should understand, at least intellectually, that is isn't your fault and your family's reactions aren't your fault.

kiwimuz wrote:

NTA. While it is your sisters wedding and she can invite who she wants, the not fitting the look she is going for is a weak excuse. Other family members are free to choose if they attend or not so if they don’t attend it is not your fault. Just keep being you and don’t change for others.