"AITA for telling my family to run their gifts by me first?"
I feel confident I am NTA but I need a sanity check. For full disclosure my family's love language is gift giving. I've come to accept it. We have two young kids, so their birthdays and holidays have become a mayhem of gifts and treats. I've accepted that too. Unfortunately my family also delights in tweaking my nose about things.
In the past they have purchased some big gifts (both in size and/or price) and I've asked them in the future to please run those big purchases by me first. Our house is not big and there is just a pure "what can we fit" factor, not to mention some things are just not appropriate. This Christmas one of my brothers got my kids a mini-quad. It was free, so not a purchase.
I was not checked with at all. My mom called me yesterday to let me know so that on Christmas day there were no "surprises." I told her I wasn't comfortable with the gift. I thought it was unsafe and we physically have no room (especially considering the last two big gifts my family gave were these ride on monstrosities for the kids.)
I also said as a gift I don't love it because I want them focused on learning to ride their bikes, scooters, etc. She went on about how my brother was so excited and I shouldn't ruin HIS gift. I said I just wish he had checked with me first and I wasn't sure why he didn't. My dad joined in, tried to make light of it.
I said I felt this was all so disrespectful, and that while my folks have gotten better at running big gifts by me first, my siblings haven't and now we are in an awkward position. It all de-evolved from there. My dad was surprisingly even keeled (though upset) and so was I (also surprising given how some of these convos have gone in the past.) My mom was pretty upset of course and it ended pretty poorly.
They are going to "take care of it" and asked me not to "upset my brother" (he's an adult by the way but unlike them I am going to respect their wishes and let them discuss it with him.) I did manage to tweak my mom a bit since she said "It's not disrespectful since they really weren't think about YOU at all, they were thinking about the kids."
And I said "I agree, they don't think about other people, just what they want. I wish they HAD thought of me so we could have avoided this." Regardless, Christmas will likely now be tense, but please internet strangers, validate my feelings.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Howlpen wrote:
NTA since this gift falls into a potential safety issue that was not cleared with you beforehand. (For example- what if he’d bought a trampoline? Some families love them, some won’t allow due to the fracture risk.)
For the future, consider a “gifts given at the grandparents stay at the grandparents” expectation. My mom (as grandma) did this on her own as she didn’t want to overwhelm my house, and it’s worked out beautifully! Plus kids love going to Grandma’s!
OP responded:
This is a good idea. Especially since they live in an apartment and have no way to actually store some of these monster gifts. Thank you!
Moose-live wrote:
Definitely don't spoil your brother's excitement by turning down a completely unsuitable gift. This is about him after all. /s
NTA.
Mundane-Mom0115 wrote:
NTA. You have every right to decide what comes into your home and what activities you want your kids doing. You've tried communicating upfront so no one wastes effort or money.
They've put you in the difficult position of having to choose between giving up what you have decided is appropriate for your family and disappointing your children by getting rid of a gift. That's a hard call and unfair for you to have to be the bad guy after the fact.
OP responded:
Thank you. Honestly if he had said "I spent $1000 on a gold necklace." I would have been more inclined to get on board. I've really come to accept a certain level of insanity around this, but no one even checks in.
ubiquitous-delight wrote:
NTA and I honestly HATE the whole gift-giving part of Christmas. I'm with you; I don't have room in my house for this crap.
OP responded:
I understand that people express love and affection different ways, and while I have some deep disagreements about consumerism and materialism with my family I truly don't want to impede their ability to show my kids love. So even though I hate the gift giving aspect of Christmas I am more than willing to work with them on it, they just don't think it needs to be collaborative. So here we are.
parasamgate wrote:
NTA. As soon as they open the gift, ask them how excited they're going to be to ride it at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Won't it be fun having something to do when you're over there? Tell them how excited gmaw and gpaw are to see them ride it.
Next, Get your mom and dad A small drum set. Have your kids Start banging away at it right away. Then ask your kids if they think it'll be fun to play it on rainy days at Grandma and Grandpa's house.
OP responded:
Lol this is great and will be what I do for the future for those annoying gifts that slip through the filter.
thatoneredheadgirl wrote:
NTA. A lot of people have family run gifts past the parent first. Quads are super unsafe. If family gets me something I don’t want I’ve learned to either give it back to them or say I will return or donate it. The process of getting you things you don’t want just repeats if you don’t try to fix it.
OP responded:
My wife actually suggested we just accept it then donate it to goodwill or something. In hindsight I probably should have just done that to avoid the argument but it would have just reinforced their bad behavior, plus would have been another thing for me to figure out how to transport from their house, to my house, then to a charity.
Spiritual_Promise735 wrote:
NTA. One thing you could try to reduce the clutter is donating a lot of your kids older toys. I had a friend who used to do that in his family. After every Christmas, his kids would have to pick out a fair share of their older toys to donate to charity. Never their favorites! But plenty of the older stuff to make room for the new.
He would have them help take it to the donation center and use it as an opportunity to talk about charity, people less fortunate, kids who get nothing for Christmas while they have so much, etc. Said it worked out to be a good learning experience and it kept their house from being overrun with toys.
OP responded:
We actually do this BEFORE Christmas. It helps address the storage issue, since my family usually creates a massive influx of new toys AND we tell the kids its good to make sure things are available for other people to get kids stuff. Thank you!
Creamy_Breve wrote:
NTA. I think you should speak to your brother directly, not through people who are not really on your side about this. He's just going to get a message that sides with him, and it could be misconstrued as you're being unreasonable due to your mother's bias about the situation. In the future, make a gift registry instead. Then everyone knows what your kids want, and you control what the options are.
OP responded:
We actually DO make registries, so there really is no excuse. And you are right I do need to talk to my brother directly but my parents were VERY hot about me not talking to him before they did. So I am going to pull him aside at Christmas and talk to him 1:1 in person.
Rhades wrote:
As an uncle with no kids of my own, I tend to spoil my sister's kids at Christmas, but this is easily NTA. I always call her and discuss (large/noisy) gifts before purchasing.