'AITA for telling my father and his girlfriend to either break up or leave me alone?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my father and his girlfriend to either break up or leave me alone?"

For context, my father is dating a younger woman who openly wants to have kids. He has three adult children and, also openly, doesn’t want more. Some time ago, they decided to wait a few years to see if either of them would change their minds about it, otherwise they’d break up. I told my father it was a bad idea, but he didn’t care.

I’m pregnant. This will be my and my husband’s first baby, as well as the first grandchild on both sides, so we’re all very excited. But my father’s girlfriend has been extremely over-the-top. She takes every shot she can to try to get “involved” in my pregnancy. To give a few examples, she calls me almost every day with name suggestions or “parenting tips.”

Anytime I tell her and my father about something I’m planning for my baby, she feels the need to explain what she’d do or buy instead. She frequently asks me whether I’m having a boy or a girl, because apparently she has different shopping lists for both (we know the s*x and name, but won’t announce either until the baby is here).

She has asked whether she can attend one of my ultrasounds to “see what it’s like.” Dealing with her has been very overwhelming. Even if she is just being caring, we were never even remotely close before my pregnancy, so she’s been making me very uncomfortable.

On Saturday, I stopped by my father’s place to pick up some of my old stuff. When I got there, he was having an argument with his girlfriend. They said it had to do with my baby, so they explained it to me: my father’s girlfriend wanted him to turn either the guest bedroom or the home office into a nursery, to make it easier for them to babysit my child.

My father didn’t want to get rid of either. I tried to be polite about it at first. I told them I wasn’t planning on having them babysit, and I probably wouldn’t use their hypothetical nursery when there was a perfectly good one over at my place.

But my father’s girlfriend said they had been waiting so long for there to finally be a baby in the family, and she wanted to “spend as much time as possible” with my child. That’s when I lost my patience. I said I understood they disagreed on having a baby, but that it wasn’t my problem.

So I told them to either break up or leave me alone, because I'm done dealing with this. The next day, my father called me. He said he understood I was frustrated and that he agreed his girlfriend has been going too far, but argued that she’s just excited and trying to help me, and I’m being rude to her for denying it so firmly.

He’s especially upset about what I said because his relationship is none of my business, and I had no right to comment on it. My husband’s on my side, and so is my brother. My sister is pretty neutral. The more I think about it, the more mixed my feelings on this get. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

unimpressed46 wrote:

NTA. The gf is the one being rude by trying to shove herself into your pregnancy experience. Setting up a nursery without even asking you is wild behavior. Time to put a stop to her involvement because she’s going to keep pushing. The woman has some crazy baby fever.

OP responded:

She's had baby fever for years. I genuinely don't know why she's still dating my father.

Carlosisgaming wrote:

NTA. You’re growing an actual human, not running a community project for your dad’s girlfriend to LARP as a grandmother. She’s not family, you weren’t close before, and now she’s inserting herself into everything like she’s on the guest list for your uterus.

It’s perfectly reasonable to set boundaries — especially when she starts demanding nursery space in a house that doesn’t even have a babysitting gig lined up. Your dad can be in whatever relationship he wants, but that doesn’t mean you have to let his girlfriend rehearse for a baby she’s not having. Let her decorate a Sims nursery and move on.

OP responded:

The fact she said she wanted to set up a nursery really freaked me out. I had given my father the ok to put a bassinet in the guest bedroom in case we needed it, but a whole ass nursery for a baby that won't live there?

unexpectedlytired wrote:

NTA. Honestly, I don’t think you should have ever let her become so involved considering she’s trying to live vicariously through you or may want to use your child to convince our dad to have more.

I would set hard boundaries and keep her away from your family. The odds of her being long term are slim given the fact that she wants kids and your dad doesn’t. No sense in letting her into your child’s life much even if she weren’t so crazy.

OP responded:

I try to keep her at arm's length, but she's so pushy it's not even funny. The way things are now is already an improvement. Not too long ago, she was trying to get her family involved as well.

NataliasMaze wrote:

NTA and inform your father you had every right to comment on their relationship since shes been nonstop commenting on yours (your baby is part of your and your husbands relationship, and things like a freaking nursery and names and whatever are definitely PARENT things).

OP responded:

She knows we've already picked the name, and I've reminded her of that more than once. She doesn't care.

Eight days later, OP shared an update.

Hey, everyone.

I went through your comments and took the time to reflect a little more about this. I think I was too tired and frustrated when I wrote my first post, so I wanted to have a clear head before dealing with everything.

As exhausting as it has been to deal with my father’s girlfriend, I know how to manage it. Calls can be ignored, messages can be muted, and excuses can be made. I’ve done all of the above before.

The real problem is the point it’s gotten to. I strongly believe in only cutting ties as a last resort, so the fact I actually considered blocking her (I’ve only done that to three people before, and they did a lot worse than she did) scared me a little. I don’t care what decisions my father and his girlfriend make about their relationship. I know what I’d do in their shoes, but I don’t have to tell them that.

They’re both adults who should know what they’re doing by now. But whatever they do, I can’t let it affect me and my child. And when I told my father I was done dealing with this, I meant it. My father and I had lunch together on Tuesday, and I decided to bring this up. The first thing I told my father was that, moving forward, I won’t share any information about my pregnancy with his girlfriend.

And after I’ve given birth, she won’t babysit or be left alone with my baby at any point, nor should she expect to get more pictures or information than my father will get. He wasn’t happy with that, but I didn’t leave a lot of room for argument. My father did, however, try to spin it into a discussion about how I don’t like his girlfriend and act too cold to her.

That is not true, nor is it the first time we had that discussion. He’s always hated the fact that me and his girlfriend aren’t close. Once that was done, I told my father that as much as I don’t care what he decides to do, his relationship problems have spilled into my and my baby’s lives, so I do have the right to comment on it.

I told him that he needs to understand that even if he changes his mind about having kids one day, he doesn’t really have a deadline to figure that out. His girlfriend is 40 years old and very clearly wants kids. At the very least, they need to have an actual conversation about what they both want and decide how to proceed.

But whatever they do, she won’t get her motherhood fix through my child. My father agreed with me in the end. He said he’d talk to her, but I don’t expect to hear more about this anytime soon. Additionally, no plans for a potential nursery at his place are moving forward. He didn't want that either, so it wasn't hard to get him to promise that.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t think this will end well for them. If they choose to stay together, at least one of them will end up unhappy. But like I told my father, I’m done. They’re not my problem anymore. My only concern from now on will be making sure my baby is safe. Whatever happens, I have what it takes to deal with it. Thank you guys for everything.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Alarmed-Audience-407 wrote:

Good for you! The ball is in your dad's court now. If he loves you and wants to keep a relationship with you and your baby then he needs to tell his girlfriend to respect your boundaries and back off! If he even tries to say "let's talk about this" or "compromise" then I would tell your dad that was his last chance for now and go NC until he can grow a pair and make his girlfriend respect your wishes.

OP responded:

I still stand by the idea of NC only being fair if nothing else works. My father knows what he needs to do here. But I do agree with you, and I'll stand my ground on this.

Significant_Bed_293 wrote:

I am happy you drew this boundary. This is his problem, and he made it yours when he failed to deal with his girlfriend first. You do not need the extra stress during pregnancy! I hope you have a healthy pregnancy, wishing you all the best!

OP responded:

Thank you so much! I'm due pretty soon, so I'm more worried about how things will be once I've given birth. But I'm pretty happy with how this turned out. Their problems were weighing down on me more than I realized.

xXMimixX2 wrote:

It's great that there are now boundaries in place. Hopefully, he and the girlfriend understand this and will adhere to it. Personally, the relationship is not fair and should end. As she wants kids and he doesn't. If interests and values don't align, one definitely will end up unhappy and even could start to resent the other.

But for sure, not your problem or ours. They are adults, who are making their own decisions. But 40 is already considered high risk, when pregnant. So, hopefully he really has a talk with her about that.

OP responded:

I don't think it's fair either, but I don't feel sorry for them. I always thought the compromise they came to 4 years ago was very selfish.

Cute_Recognition_880 wrote:

Your father is being unfair to the gf about having a baby but that's on the gf to cope with. You're right to be cautious about who spends time alone with your baby. There are some crazies out there and gf could be one of them.

You've made some great decisions about baby, which should set your mind at ease. Congratulations on your pregnancy and have a happy, healthy baby..continue to take care of you.

OP responded:

I think both are being unfair. She's deliberately staying with an older guy who doesn't want more children instead of finding someone else who does. They both expect their partner to change their minds on this in a way that will only benefit them.