'AITA for telling my father-in-law to not ask my wife to serve him pie after she had surgery?

"AITA for telling my father-in-law to not ask my wife to serve him pie after she had surgery?"

This happened a little over a year ago. My (43f) wife just lost her mother... sadly it wasn't peaceful and my wife was there giving her CPR while the EMT were on their way. Shortly after the EMTs arrived her death was called. (The death was health related and not an accident). My father in law (75m) was very emotional about her loss.

Some history about my relationship with him, he is an advice giver, often not considering his personal situation when giving advice. I had never really wanted or asked for the advice, as I thought the advice was more about his ego, then really helping me. His parents died young and was the recipient of their financial successes.

He in his own right did well for himself, but in the time I had been married to his daughter (over two decades), he didn't have a good marriage. He had talked about divorce most of the years that I had known him (to his daughter), but never acted on it. The funeral for my mother in law (66f) happened one week after her passing. The day after the funeral my wife went to the ER.

They determined that her appendix was about to burst. She had emergency surgery to have it removed. Fortunately, everything went well with her surgery that happened in the middle of the night. The next day my parents brought dinner for us considering everything that had just happened. My wife invited her dad and other family thinking my folks were going to eat with us.

They brought the food and said that they had no intention on staying and that it was just for my immediate family 2 boys and 1 girl in their teens. I texted the other family and asked them not to come as "extra" would have been a negative and my wife needed to relax and heal.

Side note, my wife had planned on traveling with her parents in several days to help them move into a second home several states away. Despite my concerns with her recovery she still insisted that she was going to go. with her dad. I had texted my father in law to not come to dinner so that we could relax. Shortly after that he pulled in, right after my parents were leaving.

They talked briefly and my parents said they were not staying and that their daughter in law needed rest. He came inside and while I was arranging the meal he asked me if I would like him to leave. Hind sight is 20/20 but this man just lost "the love of his life", I didn't have the heart to tell him to leave even though my wife was SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

He, as he always does, changed the environment and made everyone aware he was there. My family ate the wonderful dinner that my parents brought. After the dinner my wife slowly got off the couch and said, "would anyone like apple or pumpkin pie", both gifted...

My father in law said, "I'll have apple and can you warm it up for me." My wife, bent over, walks into the kitchen and she saw my face SHOCKED AF, I was cleaning up. SHE DID THIS FOR HIM. She said "don't say anything it is ok". After this man ate his pie he came into the kitchen while I was still cleaning up and said, "You cook and you clean, your a man that does it all." I did not respond.

Then he said, "what, you have nothing to say?" I turned to him then and said, "yes, I have something to say. If any woman much less your daughter has surgery in the last twenty for hours asks you if she can do something for you, your response should be no,,,,, but what can I do for you. I understand your wife just passed away, but my wife will be traveling with you to help you move into a new home.

She will do what you ask her to because she loves you. But if you ask her to do something that physically she shouldn't then you and I will have big problems." He left shortly after and my wife said, "you didn't come down on him did you". My response was "yes and your welcome, he would have you do things in the move that you shouldn't" and I walked away. I was made to feel like the AH. AITAH?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Defiant_Complex_9556 said:

NTA. You were sticking up for your wife and have real concerns for her health. Your FIL is grieving and probably not thinking clearly. But his daughter just had surgery and he needs to be aware of that. Your wife shouldn’t have offered pie to everyone unless she also added “help yourself."

But she’s in pain and not thinking clearly either. Can you hire someone to help your FIL in his move so your wife doesn’t need to do it?

ypranch said:

NTA for sticking up for your wife to an entitled old man. But you are the AH if you allow your wife to travel and help move. I'm a surgical nurse, and am appalled that any of you think it's ok to travel or do moving and other physical tasks so soon after major surgery. Your wife should be resting, no strenuous activities, definitely no traveling or heavy lifting for a minimum of 6 weeks.

Did her surgeon ok this? I guarantee they did not Cancel the trip..Your FIL can hire help.

OP responded:

This was last year. I appreciate this. I disagreed with her going and passionately asked her to not, multiple times. I am also not a controlling husband and she left with the understanding that I was against the trip. They did hire people to do the lifting.

But I think my rant to him held him in check with asking her to do anything. He sis text me and said that he appreciates how I “protect her” the next day. I restated to him that I am against her going and she should not be doing anything. He did not respond to that.

Familiar_Pound_2764 said:

It seems as though father and daughter both care more about his feelings than her healing. Nta.

Aggressive-Act1816 said:

She offered the pie. He wanted it warm. That was no big deal, you made it a big deal.

windypine69 said:

daughters and their fathers. i do things for my dad i would never do for any other man, like warm up his pie. but my dad would never ask me to do that when i had just had surgery. NTA, he had it coming, but maybe next time you serve the pie?

OP responded:

I did serve the pie. When she came into the kitchen she saw how pissed I was and I told her to go lay down and I would get it. She has had surgeries before and tried to blow me off. I think she did this also to try to show me that she was going to be ok for the trip later in the week.

And EuropeanLady said:

YTA It wasn't your place to interfere. Your wife wanted to heat up the pie and serve it to her father. That's a normal action for a loving daughter toward her father, especially since he's grieving for his wife. Heating up a slice of pie doesn't require bending over or any strenuous effort at all. If she walks around the house bent over, that's a matter that should've been taken up with the doctors.