'AITA for telling my father's GF that it's not my fault she doesn't have any friends?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my father's girlfriend that it's not my fault she doesn't have any friends?"
My (26F) father (late 50s) has been with “Trudy” (early 40s) for about 6 years, but she only moved in with him a little under a year ago. Before that, she lived in a different city. Since they started dating, Trudy has established herself as essentially a housewife. It was her choice (from what I gather, my father was against it) and she seems happy with it, but she’s a little extreme about it.
She doesn’t work, has no hobbies and refuses to go anywhere without my father. And he often leaves on work trips for days at a time. When he’s in town, she joins him in whatever he’s doing. When he’s not, her daily routine consists of going to the gym and returning home to order takeout and watch TV.
Because of that, Trudy has no friends in this city. She never meets anyone, her whole family is a 6 hour drive away, and only my father’s friends come to her birthday parties. Recently, both Trudy and my father started pushing for me and my sister to hang out with Trudy or include her in whatever plans we make, because she’s been spending a lot of time home alone and has been getting lonely.
They’ve mostly given up on asking my sister, but still try to convince me. I never do, both because I can’t and because I don’t like Trudy. I’m well aware that’s not her problem and I’m always polite, but I don’t want to spend time with her when I don’t have to. I also have a baby and a job, so whatever free time I have tends to revolve around my son. Even when it doesn’t, Trudy and I don’t have the same interests.
Last Friday, Trudy was home alone and invited me, my husband and our baby over to watch a movie with her. We thanked her, but said no because my husband wanted to catch up on work and I didn’t want to take our son out on my own (both true). On Saturday, we ended up inviting my best friend and her husband for a small “game night” at our place. Said friend later posted an Instagram story about it.
My father returned on Sunday morning, and we saw my family at a small get-together that day. Trudy was quiet, which was out of character. Right before we left, she and my father pulled me aside. We had an argument, because Trudy had seen what my friend had posted. She said she was upset I hadn’t thought of including her or taking her up on her offer to hang out when she was home alone.
My father told me I’d been inconsiderate, as she hasn’t made any friends around here yet and I know how lonely she’s been lately. I said it’s not my fault she doesn’t have any friends, and I don’t have to include her in my plans just because she refuses to meet new people. Trudy got offended, but my husband and I had to leave.
Yesterday, my father texted me saying that Trudy was still upset about what I said, and he thinks I owe her an apology. He thinks that I’m “bullying” his girlfriend by refusing to hang out with her, and it was rude of me to imply that her lack of friends is her own fault. That was not what I meant, and I don’t like being treated like Trudy’s cure for loneliness, but I do understand how what I said could be seen as rude. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Outrageous_Ad_3611 wrote:
NTA, why is Trudy looking at your friends Instagram story?
It’s not your job to entertain her or invite her to anything. Trudy’s a grown ass woman who needs to get a life instead of crying to her boyfriend that his kids don’t want to hangout with her.
OP responded:
She started following some of my friends during my birthday party a few months ago. Said friend has been by best friend since diapers and is a little more active on social media, so Trudy checks hers pretty often.
Confused068 wrote:
NTA. Explain to your dad that you are not bullying her, but they are bullying you. You have said nothing mean to her or about her and you have not done anything mean to her. You did not attack her with the statement, you defended against their attack.
You are a working mother with limited time already and she is not offering to help you in any way, she is just demanding a portion of your already limited free time. The fact that she has no child and no job and is bored does not give her the right to add stress to your already stressed life.
OP responded:
Things with her have gotten so much worse since my son was born. I always thought my father would be more difficult to deal with around this time, but she does not understand how limited my free time actually is.
[deleted] wrote:
It's exceedingly hard for me to sympathize with or feel any compassion for women in these situations, because if it's against the husbands wishes than it's ultimately entirely a situation of the woman's designs.
Any dislike for the situation, any absence of a life beyond being a housewife, is entirely by her own decision. Plus, from what it sounds like, she basically doesn't have any real constraints, because she's just sitting on her ass ordering takeout and watching TV.
Like, join a club, take up a hobby, read books! If you're just scrolling tiktok and watching t.v. than your loneliness is your own fault. Also, it's not necessarily bullying to "exclude." Freedom of assembly is a personal right, and you're not required to spend time with her just because she's a loser. NTA.
OP responded:
My father was indeed against it, but at the same time he's always liked having people who depend on him, even if he doesn't admit it. I love the guy, but living with him wasn't easy, and our relationship got a thousand times better when I moved out. This is actually the first fight we've had in a while.
I think his main problem with it is how intense it is. She quite literally refuses to do anything without him. Sometimes that comes at the expense of other peoples' money, comfort or time. She doesn't care. I do think my father enjoys having her around, but her fixation on being Terminator Housewife bothers him too.
Almost two weeks later, OP shared an update.
Masterpieceok4688 wrote:
I am glad you are satisfied with the outcome and wish you all the best and that it stays that way. However...I would not be surprised if the Terminator housewife starts to crank up her crazy. Sane people react very differently to rejection than crazy ones and I would not count lonely-Trudy to the sane ones.
OP responded:
Oh yeah, this isn't over in the slightest. But I think my husband and I are prepared. And I'm glad my father knows I don't like her now. I don't support running around telling people you don't like them like a preschooler, but god did it feel good to get that off my chest.
0fluffy0ferocious wrote:
I am baffled that this woman who's in her forties can't just join an online d&d group. And she goes to the gym? Aren't there group activities where she can socialize in those places?
OP responded:
She talks to people at her gym, but not enough for them to consider her a friend. And one of the many reasons I don't like her is that she's extremely judgmental of other women, so I wouldn't be surprised if that became worse in that kind of environment. The problem isn't that she's unable to socialize, it's that she doesn't want to do it.
Summer1345 wrote:
My adult kids spend as little time with their father as possible because his GF is always there & she absolutely has to be the center of attention at all times. They’ve told him that sometimes they want to just hang out with him alone, but he doesn’t listen.
He complained to me that they’d rather spend time with me than him (like it’s my fault) so I suggested that he take them out to dinner once in a while without the GF. His response was that his GF has been around for a long time and the kids just need to get used to that. I told him, in that case, he should just get used to the estrangement then. Of course I’m wrong. What the hell do I know.
OP responded:
I can relate. Spending time with Trudy is so incredibly draining that my husband and I have left gatherings early because we couldn't take it anymore. My relationship with my father was never perfect, but it's a million times better when she's not around. When I was in my early 20s and he noticed I'd spend less time with him when she was visiting, my father would argue that I'd get used to her, too. I never did.
PsychologicalYak6269 wrote:
I hope you are able to still have time with only your dad. I’d hate for him to not be allowed to spend time with just you because his girlfriend is too emotionally stunted to realize he needs a separate relationship with you. Kudos to your husband: he sounds like an amazing partner.
OP responded:
So do I. It's not easy right now that my son is here, but Trudy insisting on tagging along every single time wouldn't surprise me. This wasn't the first time she said she'd do it to "keep him company."
And my husband is indeed amazing :)