'AITA for telling my fiancé of 8 years to choose between his best friend and me?' 'They had a sleepover.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my fiancé of 8 years to choose between his best friend and me?"

Okay, basically my fiancé and I met 8 years ago. 8 years ago, my fiancé and his best friend became business partners as well. My fiancé, (M27) Sean and his best friend (M30) Ace. They spend A LOT of time together to begin with.

He comes home at the crack of dawn (3 am - 4 am) after drinking all night on the weekends and i’m pretty sure he visits his house after work almost everyday. They spend the night with eachother for 2-3 days at a time and Ace even went to my dress fitting with Sean.

I would like to mention the night before my dress fitting, they had a sleepover. Not to mention, they were about 10 minutes late to the dress fitting the next morning. He yelled at me for the first time last week when I asked him if anything weird was going between the two. He said he was uncomfortable and immediately shut it down.

Everytime Ace and Sean hang out, Sean dresses up and acts like he’s a freaking girl. It’s weird. Anyway, today was our 8th year anniversary. I have put up with a lot of things.

One of the days, he told me he couldn’t be intimate due to him being excited to “see Ace.” Because they were going on this trip they’ve been waiting for all month and he didn’t find it fair to even be intimate with me if his mind wasn’t in it. I said I understood.

But this was the last straw: he cancelled our 8 year anniversary date to go out with Ace. Then, he spent the night at his house and ignored most of my calls. Once he got home the next morning (it was very early and he apologized for not returning my calls), I told him that he had to choose between him and I if he wanted this to work.

He looked extremely defeated and got defensive, saying that if I wanted to leave because he had a best friend that he saw as family, that I could. But he didn’t know what else to do. I stormed out and I’m staying at my parent’s house. He’s texting and calling me, but I seriously don’t want to hear anything until he tells me that he’ll drop Ace. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Embarrassed_Eagle132 said:

I mean…he sounds like he’s having an affair with the guy. NTA.

OkMulberry7515 said:

NTA. There is no choice here. Just get out. Him cutting Ace out with no regrets or blame on you will not turn out well. Move on from him. This isn’t normal or healthy behavior.

Jokester_316 said:

NTA, regardless if he's having an affair with Ace, your fiancée has shown you time and time again that he prioritizes Ace over you. You are the fill-in for when he's not with Ace. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Competing with someone else for your fiancée love and attention?

You deserve better. You've wasted 8 years waiting for him to choose you. He still won't. He can, but chooses not to. Take your time. Don't make a rash decision based on your emotions. Make a logical choice for what's best for you and your mental health.

Terrible_Mix_5405 said:

NTA. Your fiancé is crossing boundaries and it’s affecting your relationship. It’s fair to ask for respect and balance. If he’s putting his friend over you, setting boundaries is okay. Relationships need mutual respect and understanding.

Any_Calendar_3600 said:

You have wasted 8 years of your life. Leave. This will never work out.

Positivelythinking said:

NTA. Cut and run. You do see what’s going on, right? You are the third wheel. Is that the best you can do? Show some self worth and let them carry on without you.

UPDATE:

I called Sean at my parents parent’s house, crying in the phone. We talked until 3 am and the engagement is called off. To nobody’s surprise, Sean admitted something was happening between the two ( kind of?)

I explained the post and he called me malicious for blasting him online. I told him that he’s lucky I didn’t blast Ace and him on our socials/facebook. After that comment, I explained the comments.

There was a particular comment where they mention Ace’s feelings, and how I should ask Ace. i said I might just do that. Sean told me not to, and told me straight out that Ace had feelings for him. I was speechless. I asked him how long he knew, and he said since a few years ago.

So I asked if there was anything between the two and he told me “I don’t know.” I was so confused, and we stayed up until 3 am talking about how Sean doesn’t really understand his own feelings, but he knows that he feels stronger about Ace than he does towards me, and calling off the engagement would be the only choice if I chose him to choose.

He actually referred to Ace as “his life.” He told me that I was never a bad fiancé and he loved me throughout everything, and it was nothing I did. He just said that he never has felt so connected to someone since Ace commented on his feelings. My suspicion is that physical things did happen, but Sean rejected that idea a few times before going silent all together when I asked about it.

I’m pretty sure they at least did SOMETHING because he said “even if they did,” it “didn’t change anything about the situation.” BUT we will never know! He wouldn’t admit it regardless of how heated the conversation got.

So, thanks reddit. My engagement is officially off and I’m officially single! He said that he’ll pay for the full apartment while the lease is running up, but he’ll stay with Ace for now so I don’t have to stay at my parents ( why am i not surprised!) All in all, it was a pretty healthy conversation and he admitted a lot of things I probably couldn’t get out of him if I would’ve tried to do it in writing or in person.

He never fully admitted an affair, but eluded to it. Regardless, his fair was emotional nonetheless and he admitted it was, because his “emotional attachment towards Ace was almost suffocating.” I have no idea what that means. But he said it after I told him that the affair was “emotional at least."

I even asked him if he was in the closet this whole time to put my mind at ease, and he said that he is very much into women, and that he still didn’t know what changed when Ace walked into his life. I can’t make that up. Really. I’m not sure how i’m coping with this, but I am going to choose me. I’m excited to start a new chapter of my life without Sean…. And Ace.

For everyone commenting about my lack of grammar, STOP. I know that I messed up, I just wanted to keep it consistent and the post got too much traction for me to change it. Please don’t be biphobic in the comments. Bi people exist! The comments being mature and explaining how Bi crisis works are great.

I am not angry at either of them. If anything, I am kind of wishing them the best. Sean described Ace how I described Sean. And even though it makes me tear up thinking about it, Sean deserves that world.

Sean deserves that kind of love and attraction. Even if he thought he had it for me. I’m only upset that he lied, and he felt like he couldn’t trust me so he strung me along and wasted my life. Though, maybe he couldn’t trust himself either.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Difficult-Bus-6026 said:

NTA. Sadly, there's no other way this could have ended. Best wishes in finding a partner who will put you first.

MrsPower2U said:

Very brave for how you handled it on your own and with Sean, very mature. You will heal and in due course all of this will be nothing but a distant memory. One you will be very proud of having handled with kindness, class and integrity, Wishing you all the strength in the world to navigate and thrive in your next chapter.

Famous_Tap_3971 said:

Don't think of him as a victim or anything like that. The victim in this story is you. He stole 8 years of your life and deprived you of finding someone who truly loves you. He is nothing but a cheater.

FlippityFlappity13 said:

Good for you, honey! You keep choosing you. You go live your best life and keep looking forward. I know breakups are hard, but I promise you that the pain will lessen and when you're ready, you'll open the door to a new love.

interstellararabella said:

Good for you OP! I’m so happy you chose yourself. The betrayal stings but atleast you guys didn’t get married. Would’ve been messier. There’s someone out there that’s better for you. That would like you like you deserve. I’d suggest blocking Sean and Ace and live your best life!

RJack151 said:

NTA. But if someone asks, answer honestly.

Important_Donut_4746 said:

Thank you for updating us on your situation! Glad you got some answers and confirmed what you feared. Good luck going forward!