"AITA for telling my fiancée to apologize to my son?"
So my long-term fiancée (together 5 years) recently moved in, we held off moving in together because I have two kids (13F, 15M) and we wanted to give them time to get to know her before she became part of the household, and both my kids love her and were thankful for the time we gave them and are fine with her moving in.
Now my fiancée completely understands that while she cares about them and they respect her, she isn't their mother and doesn't try to parent them, she has introduced a few extra rules in the house, but they are mainly to do with not disturbing her or being super noisy when she s working because she works from home.
Now a few issues have cropped up since I proposed and we and we announced my fiancée is pregnant, these are mainly to do with my son, the way he dressed and the music and other things he likes aren't really my sort of thing, but he likes it and it makes him happy and I'm all for self-expression so I don't mind, but my fiancée does.
One of his favorite songs is like one of that cliché angsty “I hate my dad” songs but it's about hating your mom. And I know these are directed towards his bio mom and I don't blame him. There are reasons why we aren't together and why I have custody of both of our kids with no visitations.
However, my fiancée sees it as being directed towards her, no matter how many times I explain. She feels like it means he thinks she will be a shitty mother and he will never accept his half-sibling. I've explained and explained and tried to console her but she doesn't listen.
Today while I was at work my son had been listening to that song again, through his headphones, but loud enough so you can slightly make out the tune, he was in his room most of the day but when he came down for some lunch she heard it and went off on him, saying that he's being really disrespectful and inconsiderate and that he needs to turn it off or get out, they argued and he left to stay at a friends place.
When I got home she told me what had happened and started apologizing profusely, she said she knew what she said was wrong and it was just her hormones because she's pregnant.
I told her that talking to him that way was not ok and she needed to apologize, she said she didn't want to apologize since it wasn't really her fault, I said she's still responsible for her actions and she told me I don't understand because I’m not a woman.
I still think she should apologize but she is right that I don't really understand what she's going through, I'm very protective over my children so maybe that is another factor, so AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Info: are you not allowing her to parent your children or is she choosing not too. One makes you TAH the other NTA.
she would love to be a mother like figure in their life at some point, or at least someone they can turn to, but they are teens and while the got on with her (before this) they didn't see her as a parent, so I decided she shouldn't parent them for now because that would be like trying to force a parent child relationship and at this point that could create rifts and resentment
Sloppypoopypoppy said:
NTA - You are awful to someone you apologize. It doesn’t matter the circumstance. Always apologize. And I’m a woman, so I do understand what it’s like to be a woman.
OP responded:
Thank you for your input, sometimes i do struggle to be considerate and understand somethings as the only amab (i think that the right term) person in the house, well me and the dog. tho i have gotten better over the years.
Still_Ad8530 said:
NTA being pregnant doesn't give you license to be mean. She is in control. You can get irritated with the hormones however still not an excuse and she needs to apologize.
PatientPurplePunk said:
NTA. She does need to apologize and it is her fault. It is in fact entirely her fault. Your son's emotional trauma related to his mother is valid, and instead of caring about it or him, she has chosen to make it about herself and tell him how she's decided he feels rather than listening to how she actually does. And now, in addition to constantly being disrespectful to him, she had the nerve to kick your child out of your house.
And she has absolutely no remorse. Her being pregnant worth your child is unfortunate, but nothing to be done about that. Luckily, however, you haven't married her yet. So while you are saddled with coparenting this baby with her, it's not to late to go back on inflicting her upon your other two children.
Aligirl520 said:
Are you seriously questioning if your fiancee should apologize or not to your son who she KICKED OUT OF HIS OWN HOME?!?! How was this not something you didn't make clear was non negotiable. So if she gets pregnant again later and screams at your now toddler, that's totally okay with you because she's hormonal? Or she can kick out both your kids and you cause she's hormonal?
She may have permanently damaged her relationship with your son, do not make the same mistake. You don't force this apology and make it completely clear to her and him that it was unacceptable you could be damaging your relationship with him too.
Then he will be listening to I hate my dad songs and mean it. And at 18 he'll consider himself and orphan and go NC. Which you will deserve if you don't deal with your fiancée now.
[deleted] said:
NTA. Not everything is about her, especially after you have explained things to her. Being pregnant is no excuse to be an asshole to a teenager just listening to music. She needs to get a grip.
He later shared this update:
Ok so I've had a long talk with my fiancée and we have kinda sorted somethings out. she completely understands that she was in the wrong and that what she did id completely unacceptable.
I asked her why she didn't want to apologize to him and she said that they had had a great relationship up until now and if she apologizes she has to face that she's messed up big time and has possibly screwed up their relationship and also that she meant get out of the room (we have an open plan Livingroom and kitchen) not get out the house.
after some more talking and her breaking down a little she apologized to him, i made it clear to him that what she did was wrong and he is not obligated to accept the apology. he talked with her, explaining what this song means to him and how its helped him process his trauma with his bio mom and that literally none of the song even relates to her.
Also that she has been a great addition to the family and that he think she will be a great mom to his new half sibling. she broke down again and said she knows that she can never make this right but wants to do something to make it right. so now they are going shopping together.
My fiancée has said that if this becomes a problem, either its hurt relationships or she has any problem controlling her emotions or outbursts again that she is fully open to counseling as she loves me and our family.
Many of you have said this is a red flag, but this was just one event that needed some talking and open communication. my son knows that if he has any problems or issues with anyone, including her, he can come to me and will never be in trouble for it.