'AITA for telling my fiancé his 'work wife' is crossing a line?'
"AITA for telling my fiancé his 'work wife' is crossing a line?"
I feel like I'm going crazy and I need outside perspective because Jordan keeps telling me I'm being insecure and maybe I am??
I honestly don't know.
I'm 28F, engaged to Jordan (30M) for 6 months, together for 3 years. He's a sales manager at a tech company. I'm a veterinary assistant so very different work environments and maybe that's why I don't get it.
Jordan has a "work wife." Her name is Melody (27F). And before anyone asks - no I didn't give her that title. THEY call themselves that. Jordan introduced her to me at a company event as "my work wife Melody" like it was cute and funny.
I laughed it off at the time.
It's not funny anymore.
She texts him constantly. And I mean constantly. Evenings. Weekends. Sunday mornings when we're trying to have coffee together. His phone is always buzzing with her name.
A few weeks ago I saw a notification pop up on his phone while he was in the shower. I know I shouldn't have looked but I did.
She calls him "babe."
The message said "babe can you check the Henderson file before Monday I'm stressing."
I scrolled up a little. There was a message from her that said "ugh I miss you it's boring here without you" from when Jordan took a sick day.
And one that said "lol your gf is so demanding, she really takes up all your time huh?"
YOUR GF. I'm his FIANCÉE. And she's complaining about me to him and he didn't correct her.
I brought it up to Jordan. Showed him the messages. Asked why she's calling him babe and complaining about me. He said it's "just office culture" and "everyone talks like that" and I'm "being insecure." Said Melody is "like a sister" and I'm "reading into things."
Okay sure. My sisters don't call me babe but whatever.
Here's the thing that's really bothering me now. Their company Christmas party is next week. It's an office-only event. No partners. Jordan told me Melody said she "can't wait to be his date" since I won't be there.
His date. To a party I'm specifically not invited to. I told Jordan that comment was weird and he said "she's joking, that's just how she is." WIBTA if I told him this isn't okay and something needs to change?
I don't want to be the controlling jealous fiancée but I also don't want my future husband having a "work wife" who calls him babe and talks trash about me and acts like she's his date to events.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I would reach out to someone else at the company to see if that office Christmas party is actually "no partners" or if he and wifey dearest are just being sketchy. Also, very much YWNBTA.
NTA and the fact that he entertains this is a big red flag. I would give a firm boundary "I won't date or be engaged to someone who disrespects a relationship by calling someone else their wife" and if he continues- You break up.
The fact that he not only calls her his wife, but also lets her bad mouth his actual fiancé. And then tries to convince OP she is the one causing problems, instead of being empathetic to her pain. Guy is a POS, him and Melody deserve each other in misery.
Run. Your not over reacting.
He is 100% crossing a line. Even if the two haven't begun a physical affair (yet), they're certainly in an emotional one. It's fine to be friendly with co-workers; even to text outside of work. That frequently though? Using nicknames like babe? With a co-worker of the opposite sex? No.
You aren't overreacting. Her, "joking" is inappropriate, not funny, and making you uncomfortable. You really shouldn't marry this man if he doesn't take steps to resolve this problem.
NOR.
The reality is that you should tell your ex that you are nobody's side-piece.
Ew girl no don’t. You don’t want this. He doesn’t care about your feelings. And even if Melody leaves the picture there’ll just be a constant string of him bringing these women into your lives until the day you die. Don’t.
P.S this is NOT normal office culture and I guarantee the colleagues are uncomfortable of it too. The only person I know who tried to pull this off “we’re just married at work but like, platonically” were sleeping together the entire time and it was very obvious.
I've worked in many offices and have never been someone's "work wife." And that is not something I've ever seen from my coworkers. It is NOT normal office culture. It's gross.
All of this is a deal breaker. Personally I'm not a fan of this kind of friendship inside or outside of work, I don't think it's appropriate to have extended friendships of this nature when you're in a relationship.
But your fiance doesn't even care, or listen to your objections. So he's first participated in and permitted this behaviour, and now he's trying to tell you it's not a issue and you're actually the problem. Not husband material.
NO MAM! You, in no way, would be the AH for telling your fiancé he can't take that line stepping coworker to the Christmas party. ALSO, NO people don't normally message coworkers all day long or call them pet names you would call a partner.
The few ones that do are either SINGLE or they are most likely cheating on the partners they have at home with their coworker. Their interactions are over the line and your little fiance is enjoying the attention hes getting from her. Screenshot all of those lovey dovey messages because they'll be pretty good potential evidence for divorce grounds if y'all even make it to the alter.
I've been a woman in tech for over 40 years, and no, it's not "office culture." I have a few close male friends to the point where I have been considered the "work wife," but I have never, ever referred to one of my friends as "babe," and I have rarely texted them after hours. Yes, she has crossed a line.
The problem is your fiancé likes the attention he gets from her. He's your problem because he refuses to enforce any boundaries with her, he's enjoying it. We all know where this is heading.