'AITA for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage if my name isn't on it?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?"

For some background, I, 29F and my fiancé 30M have been together for 10 years. We had a baby back in 2020 and I lost my job around the same time. Our lease to our apartment was up and my grandma offered for us to move in with her so we did. We basically had our own little apartment rent free.

I had thrown the idea of going to school out there and everyone agreed it was a good idea, my fiancé paid for it and my grandma watched my baby while I went to class. I graduate this semester (I did part time for a couple semesters). My fiancé has been making 90K a year for the past couple years and 70K when we first moved in. He’s saved a good amount of money.

We agreed to wait to get married until I finished school and we could buy a house together. We’ve been looking at houses more seriously for a past couple months and found one we both love. We started talking to a mortgage broker and that’s when he dropped the bomb on it being HIM and ONLY HIM on the mortgage and the deed.

He said I wouldn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t say anything in the meeting but afterwards I told him I thought WE were buying the house together and I’d pay half the mortgage. He said I would be paying half the mortgage but my name just wouldn’t be on it. So I told him that would mean I’d have no right to the house and he said he knew?!!

He said since he saved the 40% down that it’s only fair that he has the rights to the house in case we end things. I told him if that’s what he wants to do then I’m not paying for the mortgage. I said this isn’t a partnership and if he just wants his own place fine but I’m not paying for it. He called me a b#$ch saying that he paid for everything for the past few years including my schooling.

I told him I stayed home and watched our child so we didn’t have to pay for daycare and that ended up saving us money since I would’ve been only able to work part time. He said he didn’t care and I need to pay for half since I already agreed to it. So internet, AITA for refusing to pay the mortgage?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

vivid-awareness191 wrote:

NTA. If your name isn't on the deed, don't pay the mortgage. Honestly, I'd debate moving into a house that was just his and then getting married.

If he wants help with the mortgage, then he has to accept that you will also own the house.

OP responded:

This was the original agreement. This is the first I've heard of me not being on the deed or mortgage.

ogo7 wrote:

Are you still living in your grandma’s place rent free? If so, I’d stay there and start saving for your own down payment.

Western_Fuzzy wrote:

OP, do not marry this man. You currently have a free place to live, and he wants you to pay half the mortgage to increase his equity. If anything goes wrong, he’ll be living large on your contributions (childcare, the free apartment that you got him to facilitate saving, and half the mortgage you would have paid up until that point) and you’ll be out on your a$$.

He pulled a bait & switch on you in the most demeaning way in front of a broker, then called you a b--ch. Like other commenters, I doubt this is the first time he’s shown you who he is. Regardless, believe him. He doesn’t value you or respect you or your very real contributions at all. NTA.

Shingingsir wrote:

NTA! First of all he should never call you a bi*ch, that is so disrespectful. Second of all, while it is significant he put 40% down, it’s not like you were goofing off. You took care of your child, you were in school; it’s a partnership. It doesn’t sound like he wants a partnership. The only reason he was able to save so much is because of you and your family’s help.

You are so smart not to pay a mortgage on a house you don’t own. Do NOT accept him owning that house when he explicitly said it because if you break up he gets to keep it. Not that it would necessarily mean that if you get divorced, but it would help his case.

I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s shown some selfish or resentful behavior. You should have a serious discussion and think of starting counseling to work through this. At any rate, don’t let yourself be financially edged out or at yourself and your child up to fail. Good luck!

Money-Possibility-606 wrote:

NTA. Do NOT go into that deal, and do NOT marry this man. The reason he was able to save the money for the down payment is because he's lived rent-free the last few years! And he only had that freedom because of you and your family! I would think long and hard about staying involved with this man. Don't think that you owe him anything just because he's the father of your child.

His reasoning is absolutely illogical. He's selfish and cruel. He calls you names. A real man who loves his partner WANTS her to be taken care of financially if something happens to him. If your name isn't on the house and something happens to him, you're screwed!

He doesn't care about you, doesn't respect the contributions you've made to his life, and doesn't respect you. Does this man even like you? If my husband called me that word, it'd be over for that alone. I would never tolerate disrespect like that, and I would not allow my son to grow up in a house with a man who thought so little of me.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So first thank you to everyone who commented, a lot of you had great insight and were very supportive. To those who weren’t I got to see a perspective of how my fiancé might be feeling so thank you for that too. (although some of you were extremely misogynistic).

To answer some questions, my grandma offered to give us a place to stay for a few months while I looked for a job and so we could save some money (this was the beginning of the lockdown and no one was sure what the job market would look like).

I had brought up finishing my degree and my grandma offered to watch my baby while I was in class. My fiancé said he’d pay for it since we didn’t have to pay for rent or daycare.

He called it an “investment in our future”. I got a pell grant and a scholarship so he ended up only having to pay, on average, $3400 a year for the schooling. If i wasn’t going to school, my grandma didn’t want us staying there long term. This was purely her trying to give us a leg up and help US in OUR future. She wouldn’t have done so if she knew what my fiancé was going to do, she’s said this.

For the update, I told my fiancé we needed to talk about this arrangement and I asked why he changed his mind all of the sudden. He said he worked hard for his money and didn’t want to lose everything if we got divorced. I said that was fair but he’s now putting ME in a position to lose everything if I have zero rights to the property.

He said I didn’t save up the money so the house should be his and his alone until and unless I put down 40% also. I asked if he’d consider a prenup that would give him the 40% he put down and we’d split 50/50 the rest of the equity. I said this would protect the lump sum he put down while also giving me equity Id be paying for.

He said he’d have to think about it but he doesn’t like the idea of having to sell if we split. I said then he can get his own place that he can afford on his own if he doesn’t want me on the title that badly. (This one he could barely afford with just his income not sure if he’d even be approved for the mortgage on his own tbh)

I also mentioned that I wanted to do couples therapy before we get married. He said no. That we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to “listen to him”. That was the end of the conversation.

I don’t know who this person is. This is not the man I had a child with.

The man I had a child with massaged me every night while I was pregnant, he listened attentively to every random thing I wanted to talk about, he treated me with the upmost respect, he was the only person I wanted with me while I gave birth. He used to say he could never hurt me or screw me over because it’d hurt our child. I love him so much. I don’t know what happened.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

contemplating_folly wrote:

I still don't get how he thinks the 40% down payment is all his, when he saved it by living rent free at Grandma's. Your offer was very generous OP. I would end this thing, and sue him for back rent/breach of promise. This whole thing stinks. Glad you got an education out of it anyway.

worthy_usable wrote:

Damn that's wild. Any financial advisor will tell you that it is never a good idea to pay money on a mortgage that you have no formal entitlement to, no matter what your relationship status is. And honestly, I would have a hard time marrying someone who seems to spend more energy considering how the marriage will end rather than spending that energy on how it should begin.

Justplaincurioustoo wrote:

“He said no. That we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to “listen to him”. That was the end of the conversation.” you are NTA. THIS WOULD BE THE LAST WORDS I HEARD FROM HIM WHILE WALKING OUT THE DOOR 🚪

Orisha_Oshun wrote:

I would not marry this man or buy a house with him. Time to set up some co-parenting guidelines and go yer separate ways. He showed you who he is. Believe him.

Techno_Core wrote:

NTA.

we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to “listen to him”

Lol. That sounds like it makes it easy for you. Give in or walk away (I'd walk away).

Nine hours later, OP shared another update.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. You’ve shown me i’m not alone in this and that other people have gone through the same. I also feel vindicated in my decision to not pay half the mortgage if i’m not on the deed, thank you.

Anyways, tonight he and I got to talking about the arrangement again. He said he didn’t want to do the prenup I mentioned in my last update. So I told him my final offer was couples therapy AND getting married before we buy a house. I told him we should get a rental temporarily until we figure everything out and come to an agreement.

He outright refused, again. He said he didn’t want to “waste money” renting. He then said I’m not entitled to any of his money and he won’t buy a house after we marry because i’ll just “win it in a divorce."

I said fine we won’t get married. He asked if I was breaking up with him and I said I didn’t know, but I needed space. He. Lost. It. Called me a b#$h and a gold digger and told me I “owe” him $30,000. (I don’t know where he got this number from) He said i’m “used up” and no one will ever want me again.

He went on ranting, yelling at me, for about 3 minutes until my grandma came over to us and told him to leave. He’s staying the night at a hotel and has called me repeatedly. He’s left a few angry voicemails. I feel so numb. My baby is confused and keeps asking why I’m upset and where their dad went. I hate this so much.

To everyone who mentioned he might’ve gotten in with the manosphere/ red pill content, you were right. I looked at who he’s subscribed to on youtube, sure enough I saw Joe Rogan, Fresh and Fit podcast, just pearlythings, and adin ross.

Safe to say he’s fallen down the manosphere rabbit hole. I know the man I fell in love with is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. There were definitely signs I didn’t notice, he always said he was saving “his money”, and HE was buying a house.

He also said, on more than one occasion, he was the “man of the house”. He got really big on being a “provider and protector." I didn’t put it all together until now. His behavior change has been pretty recently, like the last 8-9 months. That’s it. My life is a s#$t show. Writing it out has been somewhat therapeutic. Thank you all again for your support!

The internet was invested and glad to hear another update from OP.

Towerapprehensive154 wrote:

Do you see this, men of the internet who listen to manosphere BS?? It is your idols who are ruining the foundations of family, not gay and trans people. They are turning you into vile, selfish, entitled little men who will never find a willing partner and be happy with a stable, drama-free household.

This type of behavior will never be attractive to a self-respecting, normal woman and the only way you can get one is through coersion, which a lot of you already do, unfortunately for the woman. Get you heads outta your butts and become better men. Unsusbscribe from those ghouls who are only profitting off of making society a worse place and then whining about it.

MaGoGogo wrote:

I'm so sorry for you and for your baby. You made the right decision, please don't doubt it.

OP responded:

Thank you.

External_expert wrote:

Your life is not a s#$t show! Imagine if you moved into that house, paid for a few years and actually married him! That would be a colossal s#$t show. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you found out before taking these next big steps. You have your degree, family support and your kid. You will be fine. ♥️ Please talk to a good lawyer...custody, child support and save and document everything.

OP responded:

Thank you, you’re right. It could’ve been a whole hell of a lot worse lol.

bewitching_chick wrote:

Keep the voicemails and messages he sends. You may need them. Get ready to go to court to custody and child support. Do not be alone with this man.

Edit: Grandma is awesome. If he comes back and is yelling and acting up call the cops.

mandicapped wrote:

I've read all 3 posts, and it maybe controversial, but I'm going with ESH (or n-a-h).

I don't need to explain why he's an asshole, the way he talked to you was not okay, and I don't think him excluding you from the deed was a good move, especially if he wanted to foster a LOVING relationship/marriage.

But I don't completely disagree, which is why I'm at least partially sharing the blame. So, numbers wise (while again, I don't think it was necessary) he does have a few points. If he is putting 40% down, if you split the mortgage 50/50 (which it sounds like you may not have found a job yet, so that may not happen right away) you will at most pay 30% of the house, to his 70%.

Add to that, he did pay for your college, which was pretty reasonable in the US, was still $17k. If you split, that is a total loss for him. Even if you WERE married, ive never heard of one spouse being required to repay the other for tuition. Your degree only benefits him if you stay together (AND get a job in that field).

You, on the other hand will keep it for life, and reap the benefits with or without him, so I do think it deserves consideration. He also supported you and your child financially, while going to school. You said you saved money on child care, but it is your child too, so to be fair, you only "saved" him 1/2, as fairly, the other half should be your share.

You said you could only work part time because of school, but again, that goes back to the fact that if you aren't together, that sacrifice you both made only benefits you. Finally, even if you weren't on the lease, you would have to pay something for housing every month, whether you got equity or not.

Now, I will say- while you were going to school, your grandma gave you a free place to stay, which I would consider that savings a contribution you made. And, I don't think- in the interest of a happy healthy relationship- he should have thought or said that, even if the math supports it, IMO.

Relationships are more than numbers, so from a RELATIONSHIP (not money/assets) POV, it should have been a partnership. You should both do what you can, without keeping score, because while it was you not working/"contributing" this time, there could come a time when he can't for some reason, and you would carry the load, and I would hope (had he not been an a$$) you wouldn't keep score.

The things he said, and his attitude after the initial discussion, when he knew you were unhappy, do make him the ass hole, and ultimately I don't blame you for leaving, and genuinely wish you the best from here. I just thought that the situation was a bit more nuanced, and wanted to show the middle ground IMO.

OP responded:

I’ve seen a few comments like this so Im going to address a few things.

Before I went to school we had discussions in length about what was going to happen with our relationship financially.

We had agreed that while he paid for school, my grandma would not charge us rent. If I hadn’t gone to school she wanted us to move out.

The money “he” saved was over 100k. That would’ve easily covered just rent if we were to have had our own place. “His” money was supposed to be money for our family.

I tried suggesting a compromise that some people came up with on my initial post. He didn’t like the suggestion because he didn’t want me to have ANY a ownership in the house I’d be paying for too. He didn’t want to pay for the mortgage by himself either.

The reason I didn’t work is because my grandma said she wouldn’t watch out child that much, as it stood with me going to class she watched him for max 3 hours a day during the week.

So we would’ve had to pay for daycare to cover my work and school hours, this would’ve had to be full time combined, it would’ve costed the entirety of what I’d make to pay for school and daycare. WE (my ex and I) decided it’d be better for me and our child if I didn’t work and saved the daycare cost.

His ONLY contribution he did for the entirety of living with my grandma was my college, $3400 A YEAR, sometimes groceries (myself or my grandma had to cook for him still), and occasionally doing dishes and watching his child. I did 90% of the childcare and about 60% of the household chores (grandma did about 35%).

My schooling doesn’t ONLY benefit me, it’s benefits our child. And if we’re being 100% honest, it benefits him too because the more IM making the less he’ll have to pay in child support.