'AITA for telling my fiancée there will be no wedding if she keeps insisting I invite my parents?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my fiancée there will be no wedding if she keeps insisting I invite my parents?"

My dad left the family and went no contact when I (35M) was 4. My mom remarried and had two kids with my stepdad. My stepdad never treated me poorly but always made clear that I was Dale to him. He was not my dad. My mom never tried to fix the relationship and honestly loved her new family and always saw me as a burden.

That’s what I thought at least until it was confirmed after my freshmen year of college when my mom asked me not to come home anymore. I blocked her after that phone call and have had no contact with her or my stepdad (and half-brother) since then. I do still speak to my half-sister (25F) at her insistence but that’s my only contact.

It took me a long time to deal with basically being kicked out of my family. I grew to be pretty independent and thought I’d live alone until I met my fiancée (28F) 4 years ago.

We have had a great relationship and her family opened up and invited me in with open arms. She comes from a pretty typical suburban family and they are great. Over the years I’ve told her about my issues with my family, she has met my sister and she never pushed for more, until we started planning the wedding.

When we started talking about who we would invite I talked about friends from college and co-workers and she kept saying I should invite my parents. At first I thought she was just trying to gauge if I wanted to. I said I would not be inviting my parents.

She said okay but then brought it up again the next day. I calmly explained how much they hurt me, how growing up feeling you were unwanted and then having it confirmed at 19 really stunted my mental health.

That over the years I have realized it’s their problem and if they ever want to solve it then they can initiate but I am in contact with my sister and it is clear they are happy insisting I don’t exist. It sucks but it’s their problem that they have thrust onto me. I can’t be the one to solve it.

I thought it had ended but she has brought it up two more times. The last one was last night, we were about to start the save the dates and she said “are you sure you don’t want to invite you parents? I feel like I might just invite them on my side.”

And I snapped. I told her we should probably just throw the invitations away because if you can’t respect what I’ve been through then I don’t want to marry you. I then went to our bedroom and fumed for awhile.

She came in to try to talk to me and I walked out, grabbed my keys and left. I came back around 11pm after hanging with friends and slept on the couch. She left for work without a word to me and I don’t know where we stand. Her behavior is unacceptable but I feel I may have gone too far. What do you all think, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

seanthebean24 said:

NTA I remember a post from a long time ago where the groom was no contact with his extremely abusive mother and the bride had secretly invited her to the wedding.

When the groom saw his mother he left the bride at the altar and all of the siblings and his father berated her for being so thoughtless.

The relationship was finished because she couldn’t respect the grooms wishes. If she doesn’t respect you now she won’t respect you once you’re married.

ed_lv said:

NTA. Have a conversation with her, lay all your cards on the table and tell her that you will never have contact with your parents, no matter what she or anyone else says. Also tell her that if she ever brings this issue up, you will end the relationship and move on immediately.

NecroBelch said:

NTA. Be aware that she may already be in contact with the parents.

shammy_dammy said:

NTA. You don't want to marry this.

eightmarshmallows said:

NTA. You’ve been clear this is a hard line for you. I would be concerned that she may have already reached out to your family and is trying to get your approval after the fact.

2npac said:

NTA...she's crossed a huge boundary 1 too many times. I feel like she thinks it would be embarrassing to her if her guests find out the groom has no parents on his side present. That's on her to get over. If she can't respect that or respect you, she's not someone you should marry

UPDATE:

I’m very overwhelmed by the response. So many thoughtful responses. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I thought I would give an update.

My fiance normally gets home around 5:30pm so after I was done working (I work from home) I waited for her to show up. Got very worried when it was 6 and she still wasn’t home but around 6:15 she shows up with my sister which was a big surprise. While my sister and I connect every Thursday we live 45 minutes away from each other so her popping by is not normal.

Both of them looked very anxious so I was very confused. I asked them what was going on and my sister just bursts into tears and saying she’s sorry. After like 5 minutes of her losing it she starts talking about the family.

So apparently when she told my mom and Dale that I got engaged it started a rift between them. Not because they cared about me but about how my half brother, which is 27, is still living at home, single with no steady job.

If you’re thinking, wow they kicked you out at 19 but let him stay there past when he could rent a car, don’t worry I said it out loud. My mom apparently wants to do the same to my half brother but Dale won’t let her. So they are currently separated.

With my mom living family and refusing to come back until my half brother is out of the house. For some reason that defies all logic and reason my sister thinks getting an invite to my wedding will bring the family together. Since it was my engagement that caused the rift.

At this I blew up a bit. I told her that my engagement had nothing to do with it, that their sh$tty parenting and poor relationship skills caused it and don’t put that on me.

She cried even harder, and this time I was not going to console her. My fiancé is just sitting there the whole time so while my sister is trying to get herself together I question my fiance about this.

She also tears up a bit but tells me my sister was telling her about how I always bring up the family on our Thursday and that deep down I wanted to repair the relationship. I asked how she could believe that when I was very clear that I was no contact with my family and had never mentioned wanting to be in contact.

I told her that I tell her everything and would never hold back something like this without talking to her. She’s always been my sounding board. When I switched jobs last year, we talked about it every night and her advice mattered more than anyone else.

She apologized and then wanted to show me her phone. Specifically the messages between her and my sister. At this point my sister perks up and asks her not to show the phone conversation.

But my fiancé tells her she’s trying to save her relationship. My sister has just been straight up lying about our Thursday conversations. Saying how I was always talking about reconciling, how I would never admit it but I’m partially at fault too, how I really want to see them all again.

Every time I would tell my fiance no she would text my sister and my sister would talk about how I just couldn’t be open because I was embarrassed. Just completely false. I would be perfectly happy never seeing any of them again. I can’t believe my sister still sees them. At this I tell my half sister to leave and that Thursdays are cancelled.

My sister puts up a little bit of a fight but I ignore her until she leaves. She keeps saying sorry over and over again but honestly I’m done with her. I’ve blocked her and will be no contact with her for the time being. A complete betrayal of my feelings and relationships.

As for my fiancé and I. I am still very upset. She went behind my back with my sister. Never asked me about it. Let my sister manipulate her and honestly hurt me. I told her I love her but my trust is broken. We’ve agreed to go to couples therapy and see if we can repair the relationship. I hope we can but I’d say it’s a toss up for me. She’s got a lot of work to do.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Tal_Tos_72 said:

NTA. Not sure how your partner can come back from this. Either she's an idiot or she's a fool, either way she's proven she can't be trusted.

tmink0220 said:

I would never trust her again, you have been so honest with her, and she just is not trustworthy. Couples counseling will not fix this. I am sorry. NTA.

FasterThanNewts said:

Cancel this wedding. You deserve a wife you can trust completely and your fiancé isn’t that person. I’m disgusted at her for not believing the words that repeatedly came out of your mouth and instead choosing to believe your lying sister.

Which is another thing, what the heck? Your sister is the product of two nasty dysfunctional people so I guess it’s no surprise. Stay NC with her and consider individual counseling to realize your fiancé isn’t the person you need in your life. Such a huge display of disrespect and betrayal. Wow. NTA.

Popular_Document1399 said:

NTA. OP, if you ask me, call off the wedding. This is really not going to work out. Your fiancée betrayed you and broke your trust regardless of the circumstances. You deserve better.

Moemoe5 said:

Okaaaay! Your fiancée is the sole problem here. As honest as you have been with her, she secretly created a relationship with your sister who you have a limited relationship with. Your sister is simply a liar and she found the person closest to you to manipulate. NTA.

whydoweneedthiscrap said:

NTA I'm proud of you for getting to the bottom of all of this. Its not an easy thing to do. You are absolutely right in being upset with your fiance, and I hope with counseling, you can pull back together stronger than ever and have a wonderful life together. Communication is key, you both need to be very clear that you will come to each other EVERY SINGLE TIME and communicate in healthy ways.

BosnianCream said:

NTA, never believe the crocodile tears. You should cancel the wedding for now, and spend more time getting to know your fiance before making a life changing decision of marrying her. Only knowing her 4 years isn't really enough to making a big decision like that. Good luck.