'AITA for telling my fiancée I'll leave her if she decides she won't have a kid with me?'

"AITA for telling my fiancée not having a child together is still a deal breaker for me and I would leave if that was no longer an option?"

I (30m) have been dating my fiancée (29f) for 4 years and we got engaged 4 months ago. My fiancée lost her first boyfriend before we met to mental illness. They have a son (10m) together. I knew all this getting into the relationship and I love her son and we have a good relationship.

When we were first dating I told my fiancée I wanted children and it was one of my biggest requirements in a relationship. She told me she understood and mentioned she would like two more children.

Her family and I get along really well and that's been great. Her late boyfriend's family have been nice enough to me too. I don't interact with them often but when they come to the house to collect my fiancée's son we say hi and bye and we'd make small talk if there's a delay.

Everything had been going really well and I proposed. Then a couple of weeks ago I overheard my fiancée and her mom talking. All I heard was my fiancée's mom told her we already have a child so it shouldn't change anything between me and her.

Later that same day my fiancée asked me to sit down and she told me she had changed her mind about having more kids and she wanted to tell me because she wasn't sure if it was still a dealbreaker for me or not but she would still like to make this work because she loves me and her son loves me and we make a nice little family.

She brought up what her mom said and she told me she wanted all the cards on the table. I told her having a child together was still a dealbreaker for me and I would leave if that's completely off the table. I told her I didn't say that to pressure her or make her change her mind again. But I felt the same as I did before. She was upset and asked me to give her just a little time to think.

Then her mom called and they got into a small fight over what her mom said and her mom wanting to talk to me. My fiancée was honest about her parents might try and talk to me about it and that she went to her mom originally because she was trying to figure out what to say. I told her it was fine and we'd see what happened.

But her parents are pissed at me and they did confront me. They said I could have a wife and a son and why do I need a bio child. I told them it was none of their business but they didn't want to let it go. They told me their grandson should be enough for me and to think about how my walking out will devastate him when both dad's choose to leave him.

They said he needs me. I told my fiancée, she was furious with her parents and tore them a new one for confronting me. They defended it and said what I told her was not the mark of a good, solid guy. They said I should be committed to the family we have not trying to make another one.

I don't think it's fair but could they have a point? I'm here to find out. For context on me and my fiancée's son we have a good relationship but I'm not his dad. At least not now and I don't know if I would ever be. He has memories of his dad and he's told me about him. I love him, I know he likes me a lot and thinks I'm cool and I'm good with that.

But the argument from my fiancée's mom that he's mine is not quite true and I feel like if we ever considered making it official he would not be on board, a feeling my fiancée shares despite what her parents say. None of this bothers me. I'm happy with the relationship we have. I just wanted to bring this up in case people wondered about it. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Unique-Doubt-1049 said:

Plenty of people have that instinctive drive to have their own kids nothing wrong with that. Also nothing stopping her from letting her son stay in contact with you if you guys go separate ways. You're not trying to start "another family" you're trying to expand your existing family with her

ProfessorDistinct835 said:

NTA and very good you found out before you and your soon-to-be-ex fiancee got married. I'm afraid you need to cut your losses and move on. Tough break for the kid, but it's really not on you. Your fiancee changed the terms of your relationship. At this point, I doubt I'd believe her if she agreed to having kids. You don't say, but I'm curious as to why your fiancee changed her mind.

Full_Pace7666 said:

You’re NTA and neither is she. She changed her mind and you didn’t, both are reasonable and if that’s a dealbreaker so be it. Her parents are a$$holes for harping on you and getting involved in an argument they had no business meddling in

Jodenaje said:

NTA. (Your fiancée isn’t either - but her parents are, which is why I couldn’t vote “no AH here.”) The issue here is incompatibility, not anyone being a bad person. She already has one child and has now decided she doesn’t want more. You had both previously agreed that having additional children after marriage would be part of your shared plan.

That’s a difference in life goals. Two people can both be good partners in many ways, but if they don’t want the same future, the relationship usually won’t work. If she changes her mind just to keep you, she may resent you down the road.

If you give up on having children to stay with her, you’ll likely resent her. Sometimes the healthiest option is to part ways amicably rather than forcing a compromise neither of you truly wants.

OP responded:

That's what I don't want. I know she has been thinking about this a lot but if she forces herself to have more kids for me I believe she would regret it and she would build resentment. Either to me or to the child(ren) and that isn't healthy. She's coming to terms with it but I think we both realize that at least we can stay amicable thanks to the open communication.

MysticBloomingg said:

You were upfront about your dealbreaker from the start and didn’t try to pressure her or guilt trip her. It sucks that she changed her mind but people are allowed to do that. At the same time, you’re allowed to have your own boundaries on what you want for your life. It’s better to talk about this now than just go along with it and end up resentful later. Doesn’t sound like you were mean or anything, just honest.

And OP responded:

We both were honest. Neither of us wants to pressure the other into doing what they don't want either. I know she tried to change her mind again but I know forcing it would not be good long term. She'll resent me or the child(ren) and it's unhealthy for everyone. None of this is easy but I love and appreciate her honesty because this would have sucked worse if she kept it from me for years.​​​​​​

rincessvintage said:

I’m sorry but he would be your child and you would likely adopt him. I think the bio-child argument is tired and dated and honestly exhausting to hear from men over and over again. For all intents and purposes you are his only father and the only one he’d ever know. You’re not the one getting pregnant so I don’t understand how he would be any less your child.

And OP responded:

Because he doesn't consider me his dad and I don't believe he would ever want me to adopt him. And I would never force that on him. Neither would his mom. My fiancée doesn't see her son ever considering me his dad either. That's not a bad thing and I would never force it. But that's reality.