'AITA for telling my FIL that I don't want the house he bought us?' 'The final straw came today.'
"AITA for telling my FIL that I don't want the house he bought us? "
My FIL is generous man, but has what he refers to as "the ahole gene" meaning that he doesn't stop to consider what anyone else wants in many situations. Since my husband and I have been living with my husband's brother, FIL decided that when the neighbor's house went on the market for a steal, he'd buy us the house.
After consulting with his financial planner, the decision was made to have both FIL and my husband on the title/deed to the house. We would pay all taxes and utilities, and when FIL passes, husband would inherit the house.
Here's where it gets messy. The house needs a lot of work. Originally, husband and I were going to be responsible for improvements and repairs, so I started meeting with contractors and getting estimates for the work.
My husband doesn't know much about home repair or renovation, and I do (my family has renovated multiple old homes) so he's been letting me handle all of the work with the contractors.
Even so, FIL will not speak directly to me about anything related to the house. My poor husband has to play messenger, telling me what his dad wants to do, then telling his dad that I've actually got it handled, and want to do something different.
The final straw came today when my husband relayed to me that his dad has said that any permanent changes to the house that cost more than $5,000 have to be approved by him.
Even if we're paying for them, he wants to sign off on any/all decisions, including tile colors, light fixtures, etc. So I forwarded all of my communication with the contractor we'd chosen (haven't signed anything yet) and said that if he wants to make the decisions, then he can make ALL the decisions.
He will own the house, and we will sign a rental lease when the work is done. He'll have to pass city inspections for rental units, and abide by all state and local rental law.
Now he's mad, and I'm ungrateful, selfish and controlling. At this point, I don't even want the house anymore. I'm ready to take the cat and go stay with my brother, but I don't actually want to leave my husband, I'm just sick of catering to his dad's whims.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
alien_overlord_1001 said:
NTA. You figured it out - this is how he will control the both of you - until he dies. First is fixing the house, then it will be living in it - you will need permission to have more than 2 guests over, or if you get a pet, or how you do the gardening.
Worse, he bought this house 'for you' but you can't have it until he dies - which he can hang over your heads as leverage for the control. If you don't do x, I will take you out of the will - and so on. I wouldn't even rent from him if he is next door - your privacy and your life will become his.
cynical_old_mare said:
NTA. He wants you to pay to get his house fixed up - your husband may be on the deed but his father is not only on the deed but is expecting to stay in that home (set up as he wants it) for the rest of his life.
Now if he's as old as 60-70 then he still could be 25 years in that home. If you and your husband are still in your 20s then he could be as young as late 40s or 50s so you're unlikely to see anything for 30+ years. What exactly are you supposed to do inbetween time?
Also we're not talking a couple of thousands that will need to be invested into the renovation if a house needs a lot of work. You mentioned you will have to get contractors in as neither you nor your husband have relevant trade skills, such as plumbing, which with your family history I bet you're aware of the cost implications of that.
Are you planning a family? Is that house big enough to house both an elderly man and a young family? What happens if there's a family rift of any kind and he decides to sell his half share of the property to someone else?
Technically your husband may still own half but that could open you both up to a world of trouble. He's projecting big time by calling you "controlling" as it feels like that's exactly what he's doing.
TwoIlll said:
NTA sounds like he bought the house for himself at this point. He'll probably lord it over you for as long as he's alive/you live there.
BaxtertheBear1123 said:
Nta. Sounds like your FIL is using this "gift" as a way to control you. If it was truly a gift he would either be allowing you guys to get on with the renovations, or he would be handling them himself.
He would also not be refusing to talk to you about it which is just bizarre behavior, and he wouldn’t be requesting final say down to the minutest detail. It’s a trap!
j4ckb1ng said:
NTA. You have to wonder why your husband lacks the backbone to stand up to his father alongside you, as his chosen life partner. Your FIL is the easy problem to resolve: As you write, have nothing to do with the FIL's precious house. The real issue is the husband who doesn't share your mindset in wanting independence from familial interference.
Inevitable_Pin8921 said:
NTA, but there are bigger issues. You say you don’t actually want to leave husband, but it sounds like FIL won’t be leaving, as he’s already in your husband’s back pocket. Think about that and your entire future with FIL.