Woman tells friend with anxiety, 'you're not traumatized from somebody else's proposal.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my friend that she isn't traumatized from somebody else's proposal?"

I (20f) have had three close friends in college, Grace (21f), Matt (21m), and Laura (21f). Laura really likes using mental health terminology. She explores a lot of labels from those therapist influencers online.

She's was told that she has an anxiety disorder and depression but that's the only diagnosis she's been given so far. Recently she's been exploring autism and ADHD. Matt wanted to propose to Grace. They've been dating for a while.

He's been planning the proposal for a couple of weeks and while the proposal was very intimate between the two of them I was very involved in scheduling the after-proposal event at a restaurant. The specifics of that are irrelevant to the story but it was lovely and Grace and Matt seemed really happy.

Laura told us that she didn't want to be involved in planning the proposal because it reminded her of her parents' divorce. She said that she might come to the post-engagement party.

Well come the day of the engagement and both Matt and I forget to check in on Laura. I don't think it's Matt's fault at all because he was occupied with far more important things but I feel a bit guilty about not reminding her. She ended up not coming to the party.

The next day she starts posting online some dramatic (for lack of a better word) things about how it was traumatizing to see how little her friends cared about her, and that she'll be updating her followers on her trauma therapy journey. She posts that she's now in a really dark place and she thinks she has PTSD.

For context, I'm pretty sensitive to mentions of trauma and PTSD because I was diagnosed with PTSD by a psychologist in my last year of high school after something that happened in my first. I've felt a lot of guilt and shame around this because I spent a lot of time feeling that the thing that happened wasn't bad enough to count.

I sometimes still get nightmares and flashbacks but it's gotten better after therapy. I know that I have my own issues wrapped up regarding the word and it bothers me a lot when people seem to throw the terms around without understanding their weight but I also acknowledge that I can't stop the internet from doing its thing.

I haven't told any of my college friends about this, so Laura doesn't know. At one point she called me and starting explaining how traumatized she is and I finally snapped and said, "You're not traumatized, stop being dramatic, you just got exactly what you asked for."

Now I feel guilty because I feel like I was a little harsh, and she's posting online (without my name at least) that one friend that she thought she could rely on to support her is abusive and doesn't understand how being traumatized works.

However, I feel like honestly, Laura's being very dramatic about an event that's not about her. I called my mom to see what her opinion is and she told me that I could've reminded Laura about the party and while my point is not necessarily wrong, I could've been more sensitive, so now I'm not sure how wrong I am.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Didntlikedefaultname said:

NTA. I cannot stand people who throw around psychological terminology with actual meanings to describe just their normal feelings. This person is absolutely creating their own drama and you want no part of it.

Pristine-Coffee5765 said:

NTA. She knew that the party was happening and she said she might come. You aren’t her parent - why would she need reminding. She sounds exhausting.

EquivalentTwo1 said:

NTA. Why would you otherwise check in on Laura? Do you check in on her every day? You let her know when the party/restaurant bit would be, she said she might not come. Okay fine. Did she want you to convince her to come? The celebration is not about Laura. She was invited. She can manage her own calendar.

You are not a mental health professional, nor are you Laura's mental healthcare provider. If she needed support and did not ask, you aren't psychic to know. Laura sounds a bit passive aggressive.

Please stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. If Laura is so convinced you are abusive because you didn't check on her and then called her on your BS, book her into the school's counseling center for a few appointments.

Your mother is wrong. She sounds like she is of the "don't rock the boat" type of thinking. You had zero indication that Laura would "forget" the party. Nor did you know what Laura expected of you because she waited until you didn't do what she wanted (make a big deal over her).

mamaleo29 said:

NTA and it seems since the pandemic, people have become experts in fields they have little or knowledge of. Add to that the fact that your friend likes to center herself in every situation, you can’t really win.

Did she know about the post proposal party and when and where it would be held? She’s an adult and responsible for getting herself to where she wants to be. I don’t want this to sound harsh but trauma and PTSD are overused and often used to escape responsibility. Your friend is looking for any excuse to use mental health to gain attention.

rubythieves said:

NTA. Normally I’m fairly open to people’s definitions of ‘trauma,’ and she may have been damaged by her parent’s divorce. But no one is traumatised by her friend getting a proposal and not being updated that day! This was never her moment and she is trying to make it about her. She needs to grow up.

tinymi3 said:

NTA. You’re not on this earth to manage her emotions or to be responsible for caring for her mental health. You have your own shit to deal with and not checking in on someone else’s feelings about two totally separate people getting engaged is not. Your. Job.

Is she allowed to have feelings? Of course. Is she allowed to make space for herself to manage her feelings? Absolutely. Does it mean she should lash out in public forums attacking her friends for not prioritising her bc of an event that isn’t about her? It’s pretty immature and selfish.

Plokhi said:

NTA but there’s some nuance here. Sounds like Laura needs to be a victim to gather attention. However, maybe it would help if you explained it to her that your lash out was due to you actually having trauma. Maybe it won’t, judging solely by what you wrote here, it probably won’t. Being forgotten by friends can be hurtful but “traumatic” is reaaaaalllyy stretching the term.