'AITA for telling my GF I had no intention of ever attending her church youth group reunions?'
"AITA for telling my girlfriend I had no intention of ever attending her church youth group reunions?"
I (23M) have been dating my girlfriend (23F) for 4 years. We're both christians, but to different degrees of devotion. If I had to put it on a scale, when we first started dating I was a 5 while she was a 7. Two years ago, she joined a church youth group. I had no issue with it, needless to say. But with time her behavior changed. She was still about the same, but her devotion went up to a solid 9.
A bit too much for me, but she wasn't being overbearing about it, so I didn't mind. Things took another turn this year. She attended one of her church group's activities, apparently an important one done yearly. No clue what it entailed. Not because I didn't care about knowing, but because ever since attending she's been very secretive about it.
Whenever I asked about it, she said she couldn't tell me since I hadn't experienced it yet. Even walked away when the group sent whatsapp messages as I wasn't allowed to see them. The level of secretiveness really rubbed me the wrong way. The fact that it was treated like highly-classified information left a sour taste on my mouth. It felt borderline creepy and cult-ish.
From time to time, very insistently, she'd invite me to the activity. I avoided giving a straight answer. I didn't like the group, it was expensive, time-consuming, and it wasn't my thing overall. I never did say 'no' outright, in fear of hurting her. Although I disliked how often she implied I was believing "in the wrong way" and that she hoped "God would bloom in my heart and move me to attend" one day.
Today, we had our 4th year anniversary. While we were eating some pasta at a restaurant, she began. "You know, I need to talk to you about it, I just don't want you to get annoyed." Something in my bones tingled, I knew exactly what it was about. I told her I already knew what it was about, and that I wasn't angry, so she should just come out and say it.
After a bit, she told me how she wished that before we reached the age where we would be beyond what the youth church group allowed, she hoped, as it was very important, that I went at least once to her group's special activity. She wished to be able to speak to me about the topic but she group 'didn't allow her to.'
The "didn't allow her to" triggered my "this is a cult and a half" senses. So I told her what I thought. I said that everyone lives their faith in different ways, and that in my case, I frankly really disliked her church youth group, that the secretiveness was really off-putting, and that I don't think I'll be going to the activity any time soon as long as it remains like that.
In response, she kinda shut down a little, saying "Okay." After a bit, she continued talking about other topics seemingly like normal, but I could tell that what I said still bothered her. I'm starting to think that there's a chance I went about it the wrong way. AITA for telling her there was a good chance I'd never attend anything related to her church group?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
kittygiomaou wrote:
Is her church group Vida Nueva? This is way too familiar and I vividly recall the time Vida Nueva washed over our high school and all the kids started attending. They weren't allowed to discuss but actively encouraged others (particularly non religious people such as myself) to come "experience" it.
They acted like it was top secret information and we just had to go to find out. I refused and never went. One day I came to school and before the bell rang all the Vida Nueva kids were crying in the hallway.
I kept asking wtf was happening and I got clutched by one of the Vida Nueva kids. She was balling her eyes out and telling me she loved me, that Jesus loved me, and that she was so happy to feel the love. All the VN kids were like sleeper agent cells just running around crying and hugging the non VN kids. It's a cult.
Stitch426 wrote:
NTA. OP, try to find an ex member of this cult or do some research on the church and group. You might be able to figure out what’s going on that way. The fact she really wants to talk about this reunion activity means it is disturbing to her on some level or she feels really fulfilled by it.
You’d have noticed cuts, bruises, burns, brands, tattoos, or changed hairstyles most likely. You’d also most likely have noticed her clothes changed or if she became disheveled or altered.
Maybe you’d notice if she would come home with trinkets or new mantras. But you already know you’re incompatible OP. You’d be the third wheel in her relationship to the cult. And the cult isn’t going to let her marry a nonbeliever without threatening to kick her out. If her cult friends pressure her to dump you, is there any doubt she would?
snappy_funball wrote:
You are both in your mid 20s.
Why exactly is she in a “youth group?"
I’m not a church goer but I thought those were for teenagers.
plantsplantsoz wrote:
Secretive and expensive - I think your thoughts about it being a cult are spot on.
I'd be starting to get more forthright about why you don't want to go.
littl_jinx wrote:
I’m Christian, I take it seriously. I’ve been to youth stuff, young adult stuff, etc. it was usually great and I would have loved to bring a friend or partner to experience it with me. HOWEVER, the secrecy is super weird. I’m not sure why secrecy would be essential to an experience.
Even as a “9” I would feel uncomfortable committing to an event like that. Try to get information on who organizes it, who leads it, etc. the content may be secret, but knowing who is hosting it may help to get a read on just how (un)trustworthy it is. I’d be looking into the organization that runs this stuff.