'AITA for telling my GF that we need to change the way we cook our dinner?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for telling my GF that we need to change the way we cook our dinner?"

I (25M) have been in a relationship with my GF (23F) for 2.5 years and she moved in with me 2 months ago.

Our relationship is working out great, we rarely fight and even if we get into disagreements we usually are able to talk it through without ever getting agitated or aggressive. We both have different working hours, she works from 8 AM to 4 PM and I work from 10 AM to 7 PM. So everyday I make breakfast for both of us and she makes dinner.

Now my GF likes her food a lot spicier than I do, I can handle spice but I try to avoid it because eating spicy foods on a regular basis causes acne breakouts, heart-burn and sometimes even diarrhea. Now ever since we have moved in together and she has started cooking dinner, she likes to make the food spicier as per her taste buds.

So almost 4-5 days a week we eat some sort of stew/soup which will have serrano peppers, some Thai/Indian curries which have a lot of chillies, even while making pasta she likes to add either Calabrian chillies/jalapenos to the sauce and honestly it became too much for me.

I have had really bad diarrhea almost twice a week, my acne is so bad that I have had co-workers and friends straight up telling me that my face looks disgusting and I take antacids/acid-inhibitors almost everyday. I tried to tell my GF to add lesser chillies/make 2 batches of the food or maybe add hot sauce to her portion.

But every time she just tells me to "man up" and that "if I can't a little spice I should adapt since its not always going to be in my control." Last night after dinner I told my GF that we need to figure out some other way to make dinner which keeps both of us satisfied because I can't keep eating like this at all.

Once again I was met with the same things she says always. But I held my ground this time and told her that I can in no way continue to eat the food she is making because it is actively damaging my health, and told her that I am willing to cook my own dinner from now on.

She has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since and saying that I do not value her contributions to the household and that she will now have to do twice the amount of work because I am being a baby over spicy foods. AITA here?

Edit - I've been reading the comments and will talk to my GF about this once again tonight. Thank you all for your advice.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

Quick question - if you are making a savory breakfast, do you make hers differently than yours since she likes spice more?

OP responded:

So it depends, if I'm just making some scrambled eggs then I'll make mine and then add hot sauce while mixing her eggs. But I sometimes make homemade sausage patties and those I just make the same sausage mix. Then after cooking them I'll serve her sausage sandwich or whatever with some pickled peppers or stuff.

BoonieDixie wrote:

NTA. It is not being picky, this is regarding your health. When a person literally gives you an illness through his or her cooking, it is just right to say something.

OP responded:

I was wondering if maybe I went about it the wrong way or if my words could be interpreted as rude, thus I made this post.

crafty_and_kind wrote:

Ugh, the internet really would have us believe that nobody actually likes their romantic partners anymore 😕. I know it’s an incredibly skewed sample population just like how very few people who are happy with their s*x life write to Dan Savage, but it f a partner can’t hear “this thing you’re doing is hurting me” and respond with “let’s see if we can find a solution,” they don’t deserve your love or your respect.

OP responded:

After reading your comment I want to defend my GF so hard...but I can't even argue with you...maybe the amount of love I'm giving her is not reciprocated by her. IDK if that is the reality but I can't bring myself to accept it.

crafty_and_kind responded:

I think we as bystanders can be a bit quick to jump to “you should break up” because we see only the thing that is bothering the person posting and not the totality of the relationship. So I will just say, this is an area where your girlfriend DOES IN FACT need to change her behavior.

She cannot continue downplaying your discomfort and health, and the phrase “man up” needs to exit her vocabulary yesterday. I’m sure there are areas in your relationship where you’re accidentally kind of a dick too and could stand to work on yourself.

BUT, when you are discussing this particular issue with your girlfriend, don’t let her attempt to avoid accountability by pulling some version of “Well, YOU do this unrelated thing that annoys me…” That can be a conversation for another day.

OP responded:

Absolutely, for ex: my GF loves loved cosplaying and stuff like that but I was never into it. I poked fun of her regarding this a couple of times (in hindsight it was not fun...just plain mean for someone who's passionate about it). When she called me out on it I stopped immediately.

It was probably a whole year after the incident when I realized that I was being a dick to her. I think this is a similar situation, though I hope my GF will soon understand. I love her very much and would hate to lose her over something which can be corrected pretty easily. Thanks for your kind words internet stranger :)

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

It's been some time since my last post, things have been a downward slope ever since. The entire fiasco ended 4-5 days ago so I figured I'll post an update cause might as well. So as I had mentioned in an edit on the last post, I decided to talk to my GF about my problems once again.

That night I came home a little later due to some work and my GF had made an Asian flavoured curry of sort, once again, too hot for me to handle. I had one bite, could not eat at all. I told my GF once again that I can not eat the food that she is making since it is borderline poisoning me.

She rolled her eyes and just told me to fill up on plain noodles since she can't be bothered to make something else for me as she is tired. I told her that since I am anyways not eat the food she makes, I would simply start making my own dinners from now on.

She blew up at me saying that if I make my own dinners then she would be forced to make her own breakfast and she does not have the time to do that. I had not even said anything about the breakfast arrangement and I would have been happy to make both of our breakfasts, but she was in no mood to listen.

She ranted about the smallest of things like how I don't bother changing into home clothes before I eat dinner (I just clean-up, have dinner then get into the shower to get ready for bed), or how I get up later than her (she has an 8 AM job not me, I still get up in time to make her breakfast between 7-7:30 AM) etc.

She ranted about all these things for maybe 10-15 mins. I asked her where this was suddenly coming from since she had never mentioned anything of the sort to me.

She went silent at this point and just told me to give her space and that she did not want to talk to me for the time being. I just went into the guest room and slept away from her that night. For the next couple of days we did not talk much, each made our own different meals and stayed in different rooms.

On Saturday, I asked her if she wanted to go for brunch since I figured spending some quality time would make us a little relaxed and give us time to talk. When we came home again, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what had happened the other night. Again she got quiet and told me to just forget it and move on, and that the system we had in place for the past couple of days was working for both of us.

I was confused because we were now living like 2 roommates in a shared house and not like 2 people in love. I told her that this system was in no way working for me, I can't just stay with someone I love without saying a single word, eating different meals sitting at the same table, sharing no time in the house.

She got even more upset at me saying that I was ignoring her happiness, and got annoyed when I said that I can't just ignore my own feelings. Thats when she dropped the words "Why can't you be more like 'Colin'??" I immediately asked who was 'Colin' and she stayed silent.

After a lot of questioning she said he was a guy at her workplace. Colin is in a relationship with some other girl in the same office. They are good friends with my GF. They talk about their relationship with my GF and it seems that they have similar taste in almost all things like movies, hobbies, food, travel etc.

Me and my GF on the other hand have about a 50-50 ratio...I don't have any hobbies as such other than I like watches and watching tennis matches while hers are cosplaying and reading. I work in a highly technical field (designing construction equipment) while she (and by extension Colin and his GF) work in a very creative field (fashion and ornaments designing).

So my GF essentially has built up a mental image that Colin is in a perfect relationship because he and his GF have the exact same interests, and tbh both of them have much more similar interest with my GF than me. So now, my GF wanted me to become more like Colin so that our relationship can become more like theirs.

I tried to tell her that all relationships are different and the only thing which matters is if we are happy with each other, whether we love each other or not. She tried to end the conversation saying that she is not comfortable talking about this with me, to which I said that if she was not going to talk about this with me, who else would she talk to?

She just said that she was going to stay over at a friend's house and we would talk tomorrow and she left. At this point I was overwhelmed and confused so I decided to spend the rest of the day searching for good couples counsellors/therapists since I could see which way our relationship was gonna go.

I woke up on Sunday morning and she was already home. I cooked breakfast for both of us but she had already eaten at her friends house. She started the conversation by saying how bad she has been and that I deserve better.

I was a little confused because rather than apologizing, she was just stating all the things which made her a bad person. I told her to just come to the point and she told me she had been approached by Colin and his GF to "join their relationship as a throuple"...I was silent for some time and just asked her to pack up and leave.

She tried to hug me and talk to me but I just pushed her off, told her to give me the keys before leaving and went into the extra room and cried my heart out. She came into my room maybe 30-40 mins later, started crying after seeing me. She started cursing herself out again and saying that I deserve better but I just told her that her tears meant nothing to me.

That night I got a call from an unknown number, it was f#$king Colin. He started swearing at me about how I dared to make my GF cry and that he will f me up if he ever sees me near her. I hung up on him after telling him that he can have her to himself and I'd rather die than see her again.

A couple days later while leaving for work I saw that someone had keyed my car and destroyed the plants I keep outside my front door. I have a suspicion about who it was, but don't have any proof so I'm not filing any charges...I will set up cameras around my property soon though. As for my GF, she has tried calling my multiple times but I decline every time.

At first she left voicemails about how sorry she is and she just wants to talk once to get closure, but after I did not call back even once, now she is leaving comments about my past traumas and fears that I had talked to her about, even speaking about the multiple times she had Colin and his GF over to my house when I was not at home and telling me what all they had done.

I am so disgusted by the fact that I wasted almost 3 years of my life with her that I started having some disturbing thoughts about myself due to this.

I have been seeing a therapist regularly, also planning a weekend getaway with 2 of my best friends to Vegas for some chill time with them, slowly but surely I am getting better...majorly due to my friends, don't know where I'd be without those 2.

I am considering selling this house and moving elsewhere due to security concerns and also some emotional reasons, but I'm not sure if that would be the right move. I am also worried that she might share my address with my family members (whom I'm on NC with, I think I added this in a comment too) so that is another factor.

I'm trying to get an internal transfer at my current company since I like the working culture, but if that does not work I might just look for jobs in other cities too. I don't know, I haven't had enough time to deal through all of this shit as of now. My main focus was just making sure I don't do something hugely damaging to myself.

Now that I've had 2-3 weeks to cool down, get at least some amount of control over myself, I'll start looking at the longer picture. I don't think there will be anymore updates after this, hopefully my life just becomes a little boring after this so that I can live peacefully for some time now. Thanks to all the strangers who helped me here, you all saved me from a disaster waiting to happen.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Kiefy-Mcriefer wrote:

So, I love spicy food, like super hot…and my (now) wife while we were dating said “oh this is too spicy for me.” I said “oh okay. I’ll add the peppers at the end for me next time” and did that, and that was the end of that issue. Your ex is truly unhinged, and yeah you should move. NTA on any level. She SUCKS.

DescriptionFew6118 wrote:

NTA. Sorry for you. Remember, this is her issue, not yours. She cheated. In your house and then bragged about it. You’ll realize in time that she was so wrong for you.

Curious-One4595 wrote:

NTA. I won’t say you dodged a bullet, since clearly you’re hurt, but I think it’s fair to say you were grazed but don’t have a fatal wound.

She left you but remains weirdly obsessed, so I think moving may be a good idea for your peace of mind and safety. You sure don’t owe her “closure” of any kind.

In the meantime, report threats and property damage to the police, along with your suspicions and get those cameras installed stat.