'AITA for telling my girlfriend the exact amount of calories she ate in a single day?'
"AITA for telling my girlfriend the exact amount of calories she ate in a single day?"
My girlfriend is on the bigger side, which is something I do not mind. I am on the more fit side, I’m pretty lean, have well defined muscles and probably around 15% body fat. I used to be about 40 pounds heavier and lost the weight pretty simply. My girlfriend always complains about her weight and her body.
I tell her I find her sexy for so many reasons outside her body and it didn’t matter to me whether she got bigger or smaller. Eventually she decided she wanted to lose weight, I offered to help and when I pointed out things she could be doing better she gets mad at me. She isn’t losing weight currently and in fact says she is gaining a few extra pounds.
I ask her what exactly she eats in a day, she says she eats healthy so she should lose weight. I question that and we have an argument. I tell her that if she wants to show me, let me just spend a day with her and see what she eats in a day. She said only if I don’t make comments on what she’s eating as she’s eating it. I agreed.
Now by the end of the day she had consumed, a plate of avocado toast that was about 400 calories, a coffee that was 110 calories, an 800 calorie salad from chick fil a and a fry (as a “reward” for the salad) and veggie burrito that was about 500 calories. Along with snacking but throughout the day. Her total consumption was about 2200 calories.
At the end of the day I explained this to her. My exact words were that the amount of calories she is consuming is the amount I need to maintain my weight as a man 5 inches and 20 pounds bigger, who is constantly active.
So chances are she’ll slowly gain weight eating like that and that eating healthy isn’t going to guarantee she’ll lose weight. She got super pissed at me and told me I wasn’t helping her and was just shaming her. I told her I want to help her but she did not listen. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
floral_hippie_couch said:
YTA because it really sounds like you were pressuring your help onto her. She didn’t ask for it, she resisted it, you persisted. Bad mojo. Let her have her own journey, don’t get tangled up in it. Answer questions she directly asks you, otherwise you’ve got to stay out of it. Even if she’s doing it wrong. Because she didn’t ask for your input.
Sensitive_Scallion98 said:
She doesn't want real answers. She wants you to take her side and agree it's some imaginary thing's fault instead. NTA but with that way of thinking, good luck.
Unfair-permit said:
YTA. Eventually she decided she wanted to lose weight, I offered to help and when I pointed out things she could be doing better she gets mad at me." There it is, she didn't ASK for your help. You offered unsolicited advice, and kept offering it even after you know she gets upset.
You also sound a bit obsessed and like a know it all when it comes to weight, and you say you lost the weight "simply," as if you expect it to be simple for her too. Not everyone is the same and it sounds like you talk down to her. You are not her superior, or her personal trainer that she is paying for advice.
CockroachWarm5508 said:
YTA. I get you want to help, but given that you've offered all this advice and help without being asked, it can come across as pushy. A lot of people will complain about their weight, but won't change or properly focus on their diet until they're ready.
Just tell her you're happy to exercise or meal prep with her if she likes and leave it at that. And if she complains about anything, ask her is she looking for advice or to vent before giving your opinion. Saves any unnecessary arguments.
sorrySheamus said:
YTA. Doesn’t seem like she ever asked for this help you continually volunteered.
PumpkinPowerful3292 said:
NTA - The formula is simple, calories eaten minus calories burned through activity/metabolism equals weight loss or gain. That formula is never going to change. So ask her, how does she want you to help, by reducing her calories or increasing her exercise or a combination of both? Anything else is not going to help.
Frankly_Im_Tired said:
Nta. She's not eating at a calorie deficit, so she won't lose weight. If she cared that much about losing it, she wouldn't be getting upset.
assuntta7 said:
YTA for the way you handled it. But I know you mean well so I’ll share something that worked for me. She wants to lose weight. Most people can relate to that. But we sometimes fail to go a step further and ask ourselves why we want that. Is it an aesthetic thing? A health thing?
If it’s about health, it would be good to focus on the health issues she’s experiencing. Is she low on energy? Does she want to be able to build more endurance? Is it respiratory issues? Muscle pain? Try to focus on that instead of just the scale. What diet or what activity would help her feel better? Maybe she doesn’t need to lose weight at all, just build muscle or train her cardiovascular system.
Weight is very heavily loaded with negative emotions. Finding other goals is usually easier, as they’re not linked to trauma so they can be pursued better. Try to focus on how much she can walk a day, how much weight she can lift, how fast she can swim or how well she sleeps, instead of just the scale and the calories.