'AITA for telling my girlfriend that my brother is actually my cousin? His feelings are hurt.'
"AITA for telling my girlfriend that my brother is actually my cousin?"
My (25M) parents legally adopted my cousin (23M) when he was 6. He is the son of my father’s sister, and his bio dad was never in the picture and my aunt was in and out of jail for d**g charges and now lives in a different state. Anyway, he calls our parents ‘mom’ and ‘dad’, I always called him my brother and think of him as such, this has never been an issue.
Here's the thing. I’m dating this girl and we were talking about family and I told her I had a brother who was actually my cousin, just for context. (We were talking about family, she was telling me about how she had half-siblings and step-siblings etc.)
A few days later we were out and bumped into him, so I introduced him by name and she said something like “oh, that’s your cousin?” and I quickly corrected her “my brother," but I didn’t think much of it. Anyway, we had a quick interaction with him (we were going to the movies), but later that day he texted me and asked me why would I have told her he’s my cousin.
I could sense he was upset, but I told him I was just talking to her about my life. And suddenly he started bringing up some stuff back from our childhood, and how I’d always say to my friends in school he was my cousin and some other instances where it seemed to him I do not really think of him as my brother.
I had no idea he felt this way, so I said he should have talked to me sooner or maybe that’s his own insecurity and has nothing to do with me. He just reacted to my message with a thumbs up and haven’t said anything since. AITA for this?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
wesmorgan1 wrote:
I was going with N-A-H until I read this:
"I said he should have talked to me sooner or maybe that’s his own insecurity and has nothing to do with me."
I can't begin to imagine what his sense of identity has been like through/after what was obviously a painful and chaotic childhood. It isn't hard to see that he might be surprised (in a bad way) to learn how you're sharing his story with your girlfriend, or that he may be wondering about what you might be telling other people about him. YTA - go talk through it WITHOUT dismissing his feelings as mere insecurity.
SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:
YTA. Not for telling your gf, but for this:
"I said he should have talked to me sooner or maybe that’s his own insecurity and has nothing to do with me."
That was him telling you and see how you reacted? That's why he didn't say anything before. It absolutely does have something to do with you. He's your brother and he doesn't think you see him as that. Who's he supposed to take it up with if not you?
homtulce wrote:
YTA not for having talked about your family history with a girlfriend, but for how you reacted to your brother opening up to you about his feelings. “You should have talked to me sooner” or “that’s your own insecurity” is the sort of “deal with it” attitude that I can't conceive coming from a loving family member who truly cares.
Maybe he didn't have enough maturity and understanding to verbalize how your actions inadvertently made him feel when both of you were kids. And maybe you should take this chance to take a look back and see if you indeed gave him reason to think you always place an asterisk next to "brother" when talking about him instead of boiling it all down to his insecurities.
Next-Firefighter4667 wrote:
You are such a typical dude. TELL YOUR BROTHER HOW YOU ACTUALLY FEEL. You think he's insecure that his parents failed him so badly he had to be adopted out? No shit! 99% of people would be, especially at his age. It's a lot to work through and if your parents haven't given him therapy to help him through it, he's likely still on that path. Have some grace and empathy, dude.
If you're telling the truth and you actually think of him as your brother, there should be no problem with you telling him you're sorry that you said that stupid shit as a kid and that it isn't a reflection of how you feel now.
You're 25. You should know how to be open about such important things with your brother. My little brother is actually my step brother. He never knew his dad, his mom and my dad married when I was 11 and he was 5.
From then on he was my brother, even though we're completely different races. If he ever felt for a moment that he wasn't part of the family or wasn't considered our brother, I'd do everything within my power to convince him otherwise. His dad already failed him and I know for a fact I'm a better person than he is so I'll be damned if I fail him too.
Do you want this to affect your relationship with him for the rest of your life? If not, then you need to text him and tell him you're sorry you responded that way and tell him how you really feel. Yeah, being vulnerable sucks. But it sucks more knowing you made your brother feel less than and could potentially damage your relationship with him forever.
Tassle15 wrote:
YTA should have called him and talked it out. That wasn’t a text conversation. You basically told him to deal with you sharing he’s really your cousin to your girlfriend. Then he brought up how you did it as kids too. You pushed of that example too. I don’t know how you can show someone your their brother. But maybe go hang out with him?