'AITA for telling my husband we can’t pay for his mother’s surgery?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband we can’t pay for his mother’s surgery?"

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 1 year. His mom moved back home to the Philippines about 2 years ago. She gets social security ($650 USD monthly), $600 from my husband monthly, and $500 from his older brother. She also makes money on the side selling her produce from her large farm.

My husband says this is more than enough money to fund her life back home as the cost of living (especially with her self sufficient farm) and she’s often on trips and excursions or buying new property with the excess money. That’s all fine and I love that she’s enjoying herself.

My husband lost his job 2 months ago and I’m barely able to cover the bills. We have no savings. In a month I’m about to have an expensive surgery that we will pay of pocket for, and will need a month out of work (only 2 months PTO). So I’m VERY stressed about bills.

His mom called us today and said she needs him to send her more money and that he doesn’t send enough. She also said this to his brother. After a lot of back and forth she told his brother she will be needing surgery (within a month of me) and needs the boys to pay for it, as well as caretakers for her recovery. She will not disclose what the surgery is.

His brother refuses to pay so my husband is to pay the whole bill. I told my husband we have NOTHING left to give, and can barely afford the $600 already. I suggested flying her home (where she has medical benefits) and having the surgery here. He said I’m being unreasonable. I’m worried about her. But I’m also worried about us. Thoughts?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Mindless_Gap8026 said:

As someone that worked in a bank, move the money to a different one.

Immediate_Finger_889 said:

You have to pump the brakes. I have experience in finance and I can tell you that I have seen a lot of families from the Philippines, and I mean a LOT in North America with absolutely crippling amounts of debt because their entire families back home expect them to just fund their lifestyles now that they’re in NA and have “made it."

I’ve seen it absolutely destroy lives, force families to sell their homes and worse, to get themselves out of the holes their family dug for them. It happens $600 at a time. And then they ask for $10,000. And then ….

Crafty_Special_7052 said:

NTA you need to sit down with your husband go over y’all’s finances and show him that y’all truly don’t have anymore money to give. Though I call BS on the mother actually needing surgery if she hasn’t provided and info.

gobsmacked247 said:

His unemployment situation will be resolved but this dynamic with his mom is beyond troubling. That $600 a month is HUGE chunk. Can you imagine if that money went on your 401k instead?

Say no. Mean no. Don’t back down. Separate your finances.

And Fredredphooey said:

NTA. But move the money for your surgery to a different bank so he can't steal it for his mom. A different account in the same bank isn't enough because bank employees are not great about keeping your money safe from a spouse.

She later shared this edit to her post:

My friend wanted me to add, this came a few weeks after we had an argument about sending her extra money. She wants my husband to send $10,000 to buy a property “for him”. He does not have citizenship there and cannot own it, so the property would be in her name not his.

I told him I’m uncomfortable with it for the legality and again, the lack of money to start. She FaceTimed him (with family) after he said no, and his aunt and mom proceeded to say I was being controlling and taking opportunities from him

A few days later, she shared this update:

Thank you all for the advice! And especially thank you to those who sent resources so I can prepare my argument better. Heres what has happened so far, and some answers for frequent questions I’ve seen:

-We HAD some savings set aside before my husband lost his job. We had a series of unfortunate events with having to replace our HVAC and then my husband losing his job before we could replenish the savings.

-we each have a separate bank account then one joined. He sends the money for his mom (and I discovered tonight, his twin brother -he has 2 brothers) from his account. So instead of transferring his half of bills to our joined account, he was sending it to his mom.

-She IS aware he lost his job. I don’t know if he told her the extent of our situation though.

-The reason he is the one expected to pay more is because he is the only brother of the 2 who doesn’t have children, so he has “no excuse” based on culture norms (so he says).

Now tonight: -My husband pushed his mom tonight to explain what the surgery is for. The only information she gave was that she “found a lump” and MIGHT need surgery after further testing (previously she said she WILL need surgery). -I plan to speak to him this weekend about the situation after I have time to gather all the financial information and the resources given to me by you lovely humans.

I tried to approach the topic with him today but he’s a bit in panic mode about her health. Approaching him now will only lead to an emotionally charged argument.

-we will be having a VERY serious talk about taking care of his primary family first. My husband did a job interview today (he’s pretty sure he got it) and they explained some of the benefits was life insurance.

He said he will put me down as 100% beneficiary BUT he would like it if I gave some to his mom and twin brother (who is worse off than us). I told him if we have children, my children’s future comes first. He said he understood and respects my choice, but seemed a bit disappointed.