'AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t get to decide what I do with my body?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t get to decide what I do with my body?"
I have been married to my husband for about 5 years. Overall, we have a good relationship, but lately we’ve been clashing over something that, to me, feels like common sense: my body = my decision.
The most recent fight started when I mentioned possibly getting on birth control again. He immediately jumped in saying he didn’t “like how it changes my hormones” and that he’d prefer I just stay off it. I told him that I respect his opinion, but at the end of the day, I’m the one dealing with the side effects of not being on anything.
He doesn’t get the cramps, the stress, the “oh no, is this a pregnancy scare?” anxiety. When I said, “Look, it’s my body, and I’m the one who has to manage it, not you,” he got really defensive and accused me of not caring about his feelings. To be clear, I do care he’s my husband, I listen to him. But I also feel like it’s unfair for him to think he gets a final vote on decisions that literally affect my health.
For context, this isn’t just about birth control. He’s also made comments before when I cut my hair short or when I considered getting a small tattoo. Nothing extreme, but enough that I’m noticing a pattern.
I told him flat-out, “You don’t have the right to tell me what to do with my body.” He said that was “disrespectful.” Now I’m wondering if I was too blunt, or if I just set a boundary that needed to be set. So, AITA for standing my ground?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
SouthernMeMe_2020 wrote:
Make him an appointment to get snipped. “Since we are telling each other what to do with each others bodies, I figured you wouldn’t mind." I’m fully being sarcastic here. In no way do I expect this man would ever give up his bodily autonomy like he expects her to do. Sometimes a shocking response will bring people back to reality and to a place where genuine conversation can happen.
In all seriousness, you need to talk to him and explain the various methods of birth control that don’t affect you hormonally. Conversation is always the first and best answer - unless the person is incapable of such. Then you have to weigh if you are willing to bend to their will on everything.
And to the one who said I’m a misandrist - you couldn’t be more wrong. I LOVE men. Especially the one I’ve been happily married to for 30 years who still lights my fire and could eat me with a spoon. Have the day you deserve. Oh…and because I’m a proper Southern Belle - bless your heart.
OP responded:
Haha honestly I’ve thought about saying something like that. If he really wants a say in the process, then maybe he can volunteer his body for the procedure instead of micromanaging mine.
BadMom2Trans wrote:
Make him ask you before he shaves. He wants a say about your hair, fair is fair. Let’s add to it that you want him to shave his legs, you don’t like the hair. Also, while we’re at it, let’s talk manscaping and haircuts. Also, you’re not comfortable with the amount of caffeine he’s ingesting. You have to deal with him, so that needs to be called back. His clothing choices are also a point of contention.
You don’t like some of them, so you now get the final say before he leaves the house. Now see how he likes his body policed and micromanaged. He claims disrespect like a dad that found out he was in the wrong with his kid so instead gets mad at the kid’s tone. He doesn’t respect your autonomy and is being disrespectful.
TheGoldAvenger wrote:
You are in no way TA. Zilch. Your body, your choice. And i suspect your husband would be equally offended if you said something about his body. I guaran-goddamn-tee it.
OP responded:
Exactly! That’s what I was thinking too. If the situation were reversed and I told him what he could or couldn’t do with his body, I know he wouldn’t take it well either. I’m glad I’m not crazy for drawing that line.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. Reading through the replies made me feel less alone about this and gave me some perspective. After that argument, things were a little tense for a few days. My husband didn’t really bring it up, and I decided not to push it right away.
A couple of nights later, I started the conversation again, but this time in a calm way. I told him, “I’m not ignoring how you feel, but this is about my health and my peace of mind. If birth control helps me feel secure, then that has to be my decision.”
To my surprise, he actually listened. He admitted he reacted defensively because he felt shut out, but he also acknowledged it was unfair to expect me to handle all the risks and stress on my own. He still doesn’t love the idea of hormonal birth control, but he agreed it’s ultimately my call.
We also talked about the other things, like his comments about my haircut and the tattoo. I explained that those remarks made me feel like he wanted control over me. He apologized and said that wasn’t his intention, and he understood why it bothered me.
We’re not completely perfect now, but I do feel like he heard me more clearly this time. For now, I’m making the choices that feel right for me, and he knows it’s not something he gets the final say on. Honestly, that feels like progress. Not a full resolution yet, but definitely a step in the right direction.
The comments kept coming.
shawshank1969 wrote:
Terrific outcome. So glad you were able to talk it through. Thanks for sharing it. Best of luck.
OP responded:
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’m glad we were able to actually talk instead of just arguing this time. Fingers crossed it keeps moving in the right direction.
MischiefModerated wrote:
I would ask him where his concern from birth control is coming from? Is it an article? A podcast? Or does he simply not like the idea of medication? There has been an uprise on social media of people going off of birth control because it did actually mess with their (personal) health or mental health.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not meant for everyone. Yes there are definitely risks but it actually helps some help balance their hormones more, acne etc. not just the perk of “no baby” even though it’s not 100% either. I’m not saying this because you don’t know this.
But maybe he’s on that side of the internet, and it could be helpful to know that it works differently for everyone and it’s not a one size fits all. And a lot of men don’t really understand how it works and the nuance of it. A lot of people on birth control are feeling like they HAVE to get off of it because of others saying it helped them. Glad you stood your ground and are having these conversations!
AnnoyedOwlbear wrote:
Yeah, it mirrors a lot of the anti-vax behaviour. Where people go 'BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAD A VACCINE INJURY' and they're not great at comprehending: Yes, vaccines are not 100% and you can in fact have a bad reaction. But Polio will put you in an Iron Lung and measles can kill your toddler.
We're so far away from the knowledge about what most of these illnesses do that some people genuinely believe disease could never be as dangerous as a vaccine. Birth control can absolutely mess with some people. And it can be difficult. But boy howdy does pregnancy do that so much more.