'AITA for telling my husband I will divorce him if he donates his sperm to his sister's wife?'
"AITA for telling my husband I will divorce him if he donates his sperm to his sister's wife?"
I 30F have been married to my husband 31M for 9 years, but in a relationship for 14 years. We have 4 children together. I had to have a c-section with 3 of the 4 so I was offered having my tubes tied during my 3rd C/S and while I didn't want too (I wanted 6 children) I agreed because my husband only wanted 2 children.
I felt fair at the time, but I struggled greatly with the choice immediately after and he knew this but I have and will continue to work through that. Fast forward a year or so later, my husband is contacted by his sister 34F (I'll call her Olivia) via FB, it was a message explaining how her and her partner (Isabelle) of 3 years would love a baby.
How Isabelle would like to use her egg and Olivia would like the baby to be related to her as well so she was wondering is he was willing to donate, knowing how fertile he was.
I didn't say much, I let my husband sit with it and make a decision on his own before offering my opinion. He said he would like to help and when I probed into why exactly he said because he feels bad if he doesn't, that he gets the genetic connection.
That's when I gave him my opinion as stated here: They have been together 3 years only, Olivia has a terrible track record in relationships (including herself cheating and DV), Olivia is an alcoholic and thats why she wont carry a baby (she has said this herself) and that if he wasn't willing to give me the baby he knew I wanted, I'm not watching him give that to someone else.
So if he went through with it - I would end the marriage.
He said he won't do it then, but when asked why by his sister and family he froze, so I owned and said I gave him the ultimatum which he chose not too. Obviously, they think I am TA. So am I?
The internet had a lot of thoughts and questions to add.
another_online_idiot wrote:
Info: Did you discuss the number of children you wanted and then agree to a number of children to have before you got married?
OP responded:
Yes. We met in the middle with 4. Hence why I was willing to remove my tubes, I believed it was fair. It didn't change my mental health towards it but I am working on it.
camebacklate responded:
Mental health?!?!? What about your PHYSICAL HEALTH???? Doctors don't just recommend people getting their tunes tied over nothing. Clearly having kids was going to kill you. Do you not see that? If you went for a 5th or even 6th child, there is a real chance you would die and not get to see any of them grow. You need to work on that.
Obvious_Good98 wrote:
Holy fark YTA. Their relationship status is of no consequence. Her track record is of no consequence. THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR THREE YEARS. Give him permission or admit that you’re a FKING AH. Or just be happy that you have burned every bridge and isolated your hubby. But maybe that was the point. Your number of kids has nothing to do with this.
OP responded:
If her track record is being blind drunk and bashing her partners. I'm not supporting children.
itsnotmeitsyourbussy responded:
Yeah, that's not why you're really against it though. You're against it because you want a stupidly large amount of kids and resent your husband and seemingly have nothing but contempt for him and his sister. YTA.
offitaynor wrote:
It’s honestly kind of mad that you “compromised” by him still having to have more kids than he wanted. I get he agreed, but I’m not sure “compromising by having two more kids than I really wanted” is really comparable to “compromising by having two less kids than I wanted but I still have four.”
Four kids is still loads. You haven’t really compromised on anything here. What can you get with the six that you couldn’t with four? Whereas I can absolutely see why four would be double the work of two.
Not long after posting, OP jumped on with a clarifying edit.
EDIT:
Want to address some things so I don't have to reply to each one.
I wanted 6, he wanted 2. We met in the middle with 4.
I only felt it was unfair in the sense, I would be in this child (cousin, sibling, nephew/niece) in our lives regularly and with how my mental health is around the tubal removal I am not sure that's something I could do, so I would remove myself from that family (Christmas, Easter, birthdays) permanently if that was the choice he made.
Olivia and Isabelle have been physical before. They have hit each other and my SIL refuses to fix her alcoholism. Isabelle has cheated.
I do not trust that Isabelle would stay in the relationship and Olivia would not keep the child or fight for them as she wouldn't get anything custody wise due to the drinking and she's not actually the birth mum. I think that would destroy my husband, if that child was removed completely like that after being in his life.
The internet kept sharing their thoughts.
local-warming wrote:
I am confused why you think it is unfair that he is considering allowing other people to raise a child at no cost from him, in term of money and effort, when he doesn't want himself to raise a new child which would cost him in term of money and effort. From what I get that argument makes you a YTA.
first-entertainer850 wrote:
NTA because it sounds like Olivia and Isabelle would not be good parents.
But you are an AH for this part.
"That if he wasn't willing to give me the baby he knew I wanted, I'm not watching him give that to someone else."
He did give you a baby. He gave you four babies. He only wanted 2, you wanted 6, you mutually agreed to stop at 4. You don’t get to hold that over his head. It’s fair to say “I really struggled with our decision to stop at 4 and I feel uncomfortable with you producing another child that I would have to see on family occasions” but the way you worded it is super unfair.
Lewes2024 wrote:
NTA. Your husband will be creating a child with another woman. It is reasonable to object to that, especially if you have concerns about sobriety and violence. Even if you agreed, he can’t just donate without legal and financial ramifications, which would affect you and your children.
Unless you go through proper legal channels, he is legally and financially responsible for the child. That’s one reason people use sperm banks. It addresses these issues and protects all parties. To overlook these red flags would be foolish.
bittenichtwiederhaun wrote:
I don't know why everyone thinks you're the AH, it's a really big thing to donate sperm to someone, let alone someone in the family. I would think that married couples should be on the same page when it comes to conceiving kids, not only the own ones.
And you're clearly not, it's your right to leave a marriage were your partner wants to father someone else's child. And it's not like he's the only one in the planet who can donate sperm to them.
And it's really not ah behavior to be uncomfortable with your husband becoming a bio dad to someone elses child Idk why everyone thinks that's casual thing he should decide alone. NTA.