'AITA for telling my husband I don't care that his mom cried or that it made him upset?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband I don't care his mom cried or that it made him upset?"
My husband blames me for making his mother cry because I am sick of her coming to my home with her creep of a husband. (My husband's step dad). This man texted his granddaughter (teen at the time) for an "attractive" picture. This was 4 years ago.
MIL separated for a little but then got back with him in secret. Got him sober after two years and then this year she's been trying to involve him in mine and my husband's lives because none of her other children really speak to her since they found out. Especially the son who's child was affected.
I don't blame them. Her excuse has always been "he was using" "he treats me so amazing" "he's sober now and is upset by his actions". I genuinely don't give a f. He is what he is and I refuse to let that type of person around my child. But because he has previously visited the home and I was cordial she thought all was well. Absolutely not.
Thanksgiving was my final straw. She made a comment that everyone needs to get over it, and that she deserves to be happy. Mind you, she was invited to her other son's house for the holiday but because she refused to leave the creep home, she made my husband feel bad so we also wouldn't go to my BIL.
When Christmas came around, I put my foot down and said that man is not allowed in my home. So the 24th and 25th my husband ignored his moms calls, the 26th he goes to her house and tells her I didn't want them there and that they are no longer welcome.
She apparently starts crying, saying the same three excuses of why she forgave him and that I was a liar and two faced. And her crying fit upset my husband. I told him I genuinely do not understand why hes so upset. His mom is worried about herself and her feelings. I cant feel bad for her. So because of that, I lack empathy and im the terrible person.
To be clear, my husband does not excuse his step-dads behavior what so ever. But he can look past it because he got sober for my MIL and because like my husband loves to remind me "I'd get locked up if he tried that crap." To which I reply "you wouldn't have to, if you don't give him an opportunity."
My husband's reasons for being upset are:
His mom has been through so much, she deserves happiness.
His mom has done everything for him and none of her kids love her except him.
He'd never let anything happen to our child (who's a teen now).
He doesn't want his mom dying alone.
I personally:
Don't give a f. Want my child safe over his mom being happy. Think his mom deserves the hate because she chose a disgusting man over her family. Never said his mom wasn't welcome, just the creep. So, AITAH?
Clarification
I guess I should have clarified. I know I'm right about setting boundaries. AITAH for showing absolutely no empathy or sympathy to my MIL and husband because of my boundaries. Thats what my husband is upset about.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
been2thehi4 wrote:
NTA. Your husband is seriously disregarding the quick grooming his step dad was attempting at his niece and betraying his brother’s family with this point of view. Your mother- in-law is so desperate to not be alone she’ll choose any creep to fill the void instead of starting over. And I bet she’s the type to wail, “BUT I LOVE MY GRANDBABIES!!”
Sickening. To be honest, I wouldn’t look at my husband the same way if this were us. He’s saying, “not my kid”, while disregarding the other kids that could be in the creep’s sight. F that. You have a husband and a MIL problem.
This is a hill to d** on. Signed, a victim.
OP responded:
Oh I am.
And I'm sorry it happened to you. I hope you're healing and safe.
maricopa888 wrote:
He goes to her house and tells her I didn't want them there. Of course you're NTA, but how did you react when your husband threw you under the bus like this? If you didn't rip him a new one, that's kind of scary. You have a husband problem here, because protecting his wife and child should be his #1 priority.
OP responded:
I gave him hell. How do you say it's all me when your step dad is a perv?! Im the bad guy for wanting him far as hell from my child?
We haven't spoken since.
EfficientSociety73 wrote:
NTA. Your MIL can be happy with whomever she chooses, but actions have consequences. She has chosen an unsafe person and instead of seeing that, she has doubled down on how much she deserves to be happy. What she fails to realize is that her “happiness” is coming at the cost of her family. Everyone deserves to feel safe and around her husband no one does.
If he is the only thing making her happy, it’s because she has put him above everyone else who loves her. That isn’t about her happiness. It’s about wanting what she wants and expecting everyone to accept it to MAKE her happy. She doesn’t get to decide that her happiness is more important than anyone else’s. Or that her happiness can come at the cost of other’s discomfort or disgust.
This is the path she has chosen for herself. It is not up to anyone else to sacrifice so this grown woman can be happy. You do everything for your children because they are your children. Not because you expect anything in return. She expects unconditional devotion when she has a creep in her life who makes her entire family uncomfortable. Unless and until she can see that, nothing will change.
And your husband is so caught up in making her happy he’s missing that he’s making everyone else miserable in the process. It’s NOT his job to make his Mom happy. That is her job. And she’s driving everyone away by insisting her husband is all better now and yall just need to get over it.
NumerousBet3575 wrote:
NTA, but everyone excusing the creep’s behavior is. If MIL is happy to stick with the creep, then she needs to accept that’s going to alienate a lot of people who don’t condone that vile behavior. Ugh. MIL is pathetic.
After receiving lots of support, OP shared a small update.
Update
Given an ultimatum. Divorce or Therapy. Kinda saying screw it. Ive suggested Therapy a few times for other issues. He's always said no. But now that his mom is the reason for the arguments, we should go? Therapy will just speed divorce along now.
Thanks for the advice and help. I hope those personally hurt by situations like this are healing and understand it was not your fault. You deserve peace and happiness.