'AITA for snapping at my husband and telling him he emasculates himself?' UPDATED
"AITA For telling my husband that he emasculates himself?"
For context, I was raised by my single father. He raised me to be totally self serving, where I learn not only to cook, clean etc but to be my own ‘handy man’. This has lead me to being very independent especially around my house. My husband on the other hand was raised to expect everything done for him and never really learn any self sustaining skills. But also raised to believe that the male is always right.
Fast forward to last week, I needed to buy a new line trimmer as my old faithful finally gave up on life. I was busy with the kids and my husband said he would go pick it up for me. I told him which one I wanted and what brand all my power tools are.
He said he understood but when he came back, he had purchased one from a different brand. When I asked about it he said he thought it was better and it was also cheaper than the one I wanted. This annoyed me but I thought whatever, he tried move on.
It wasn’t until I looked at it I realized he hadn’t brought the battery pack to go with it. When I asked he told me I could just use the battery’s from my other tools. I tried to explain to him that this wasn’t possible and why but he didn’t want a bar of it.
A few moments later he said ‘ok my brothers coming over and we can go back to the hardware store’. I thought we would either be exchanging it or buying the battery pack. But I was so wrong…
When we got there he walked straight up to the tool shack and ask the tool specialist to explain to me how my Ryobi battery’s would work perfectly find in my new Makita line trimmer. Well let’s just say that this didn’t go well, the tool guy sided with me and explained when you committed to a tool brand you stay with it due to a few aspects about the batteries.
He was embarrassed but quickly did the exchange when finding out the battery/charger pack cost more the line trimmer itself. When we got home, it started. He was yelling at me about how I embarrassed him, how I’m constantly emasculating him and how I should be a good wife and just stick to doing things appropriate for women.
Well this got to me and I snapped, I replied with ‘the only person that’s emasculating you is yourself. It’s not my fault you never learnt to be what you call a man’ and I walked off. It’s been a week now and he only speaks to me through the kids. It’s got me thinking. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
FUGalen said:
"he only speaks to me through the kids" This is the only reason you need for me to call him TA, the rest is stage dressing for your toxic immature husband. Your children should not be exposed to your disagreements where possible, and certainly never put in the middle of them. NTA
NTA- your husband is a chauvinist which to me translates to a man who wants credit and respect without the actions to back it up or the rationale to acknowledge the skills and good qualities of women as well. What you told him was correct and now his ego is bruised and in his mind you are to blame. Time for him to face reality.
Traveling-Techie said:
INFO: you made babies with this fool?
OP responded:
Look I know, I know.. Birth control hasn’t been a friend of mine. After the second I got my tubes tied.
Candid-Equivalent-82 said:
Nta, but honestly, if he hasn't talked to you in a week, this isn't just about the trimmer. My guess is that these silly gender norms he has stuck in his head has been bothering him for a while. Ugh. You guys are going to need to sit down, without the kids, and really just hash it out. Maybe with a therapist. Good luck!!
RedHeadGeekGrl said:
NTA. You hit the nail on the head. He's the one putting expectations on himself. There is a bigger issue here though I find disturbing. He refused to listen to you and expresses misogynistic controlling views. He tried to purposefully humiliate you in public and is mad at you when it back fired and is now punishing you and putting your kids in the middle of it by only communicating through them.
Is this the modeling you want your kids to see? How you wasn't you kids to treat or be treated by their spouses later? A loving supportive spouse would NEVER ambush another with public humiliation! This is some twisted toxic stuff. Maybe its time to ask yourself how your dad would want you to be treated and how he'd want you to respond to this.
VioletxRose27 said:
INFO: Why did you marry someone who “was raised to expect everything done for him and never really learn any self sustaining skills. But also raised to believe that the male is always right”? What are you getting out of this relationship?
OP responded:
In the beginning he was supportive and was making active steps to be more independent. Which was enough for me, we aren’t perfect so him trying to be equal with me was enough and for a long time it was like this.
Once you removed the 1950’s view of his father, he was a caring, funny and charming person that would go out of his way to help people. It’s been the last 6ish months since we got married he’s started with his sh!t
She later shared this update:
So in the beginning of our relationship, my ways were a bit of a culture shock for him but he was open and willing to learn to be an equal partner. Which he was definitely trying to step away from the way he was raised to be a better person. It wasn’t until after our wedding things he starting acting this ways.
So I sat him down and spoke to him about his actions and how they needed to change or it would be the end of our marriage. He confessed to me that at his Bux night they were all given nicknames/code names. He was given the ‘MP’ which he was told stood for Master ‘his name’.
After the wedding and around the time his misogynistic BS started he made a joke about it and his best friend (and best man of our wedding) admitted his dad chose MP and said to stood for ‘Man Purse’ because he wasn’t a real man and just and accessory in my life and that he was basically marrying off a disagree and getting a SIL.
Given his upbringing and need to get approval from his dad etc he took great offence to these comments and made a bunch of relationship damaging choices.
We have decided to:
1.) Take a step back from his dad. Because no parent should put their child down like that.
2.) He need to go to therapy to work on his self esteem and confidence issues.
I am giving him 6 months to show me he’s willing to be the person he was before this event or I would be starting the processes of separation. He understands he has severely damaged our relationship and takes full responsibility for that. So only time will tell. Thank you for all your comments and support.