"AITA for telling my husband his mom can't live with us for months-long stretches?"

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and our son is 10 months old. We live in Canada. I grew up here while my husband immigrated when he was a student. My parents live nearby which has been invaluable during my pregnancy and since.

My mom comes over regularly to help us out, my husband and her are on good terms too so it's been going well. His parents live in another country. We have visited them once since we got married, that was 7 months ago. The time prior to that was our wedding itself which took place there.

My husband had been talking about my MIL visiting soon for a long visit which I was happy with. We recently moved into our new house, I've done a good job decorating it, we have a large guest room, and I was looking forward to hosting her especially since it would make my husband happy. A couple of days ago he was complaining about how detailed her visa application was.

I told him I was surprised it was so thorough. He told me that it's because while regular visa forms allow a stay of 6 months max, this one allows 2 years. I asked why would she need a stay of more than 6 months. He said that she had been thinking of winding up her medical practice and basically retiring, and this would then allow her to stay for a longer visit if we all decide that it works.

I was stunned. I told him he should just do the regular app because his mom won't be staying for anywhere close to 6 months. I had it in my mind that she'd be staying for like a month. That's how long we stayed for when we went there. He said that's his mom, she tells him how alone she feels, she can't go to my BIL's because he lives with roommates, and we can't just put a timer on her visit here.

He said she's been looking forward to helping us out with our son. I told him we don't need help we manage fine on our own and with my mom's help. I wanted to host his mom as a guest not as a part of our household. He complained that how was it fair that my parents could visit whenever they wanted while his can't.

I was hurt by that because my parents have helped us out a lot and I asked him if he wants us to limit how often my mom comes to visit. He said no, that's not what he meant, that he likes her but it wasn't fair to his parents. My reply was that when my mom comes, she goes at the end of the day.

That wouldn't be the case with his. I ended it by saying he should look into the easier regular form because she can't be thinking of staying for that long. He chose to sleep on the couch that night and has been cold with me since. I hate that. We've never been cold to each other like this.

I talked to my mom too. She said that having his mom live with us for long stretches would definitely affect me. That this is worth fighting for.

I haven't seen him working on the application since. Last night he went out when his mom called. When he came back I asked him how she took it. He told me he had told her he's looking into what application best suits her. He asked me if I'd changed my mind. I said no. He just shook his head and started watching TV. AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

No_Cockroach4248 said:

NTA. I have a sneaky feeling your husband is trying to sponsor his mother to stay permanently in Canada. This could well have been his plans all along. Your need to make it clear to your husband his mother is not to stay with your for a long period of time, definitely not permanently.

JennyBeanseesall said:

NTA. If she’s winding up her practice she can move to Canada IN HER OWN PLACE and visit like your mom. No need for her to live with you.

MistySky1999 said:

There is NO "two year visitor visa" to Canada. But there is a five (5) year visitor supervisa. For which you need to provide documents to prove you will financially support the parent/grandparent the entire time. Your husband is not being fully truthful on what he is doing nor what his full intentions are.

JTitch420 said:

NTA. Its your home too.

The next day, OP shared this first update:

Thank you for the feedback in the original post. Yesterday when he came back from work I tried to start the conversation again. He had been giving me the cold shoulder since all this started. I told him I'm his wife of 2 years and the mother of his child, this isn't how we're going to communicate. We started talking after that.

I held my ground that his mom staying with us for so long wasn't tenable. If she wanted to visit Canada for longer than a couple of months, she would have to live in her own apartment, learn how to drive, or use public transport (she's used to being driven by a hired driver in Pakistan), and a whole bunch of other changes that she'd need to get used to.

That I don't see myself changing my mind on this so he needs to be honest with her and himself and not go down the "we'll keep our options open" route. He said that he knows her living with us for an extended stay would require some changes on our part, but he was asking me to do this as a favor to him, that I claim to love him, and yet can't do him this favor for his mom.

I actually started sobbing when he said this, it was so hurtful that he was using this as a litmus test for our love. I said her being around for years would ruin our parenthood with our first child, that I want us to raise our child the way we see fit, not his mom. Also, all the intimate moments we have, our sex life, everything would suffer.

My parents are Pakistani too, I know this will happen. He again asked me to just not shut the door completely, that he'll tell his mom the stay can only be for a month or so, and I can let him know if I think the change wasn't too much. And we landed on a compromise that for now they'll do the regular visa app that only allows a max stay of 6 months. If I changed my mind, he'll do the super visa.

He then had a long call with his mom, which his older sister also joined. It actually lasted an hour and a half. He was in the backyard for the call and came back in to grab a chair it was that long. Also, from what I could see he was mostly listening for that convo.

When he came back in, he told me to just not answer any calls or messages from his mom or sister. Meanwhile I've received like 4 missed calls and 20 messages from them mostly Islamic quotes about the rights of parents. I've told them that I can't talk right now since I'm busy with my son right now. I asked him how it went, he said as well as he expected. But he's not giving me the cold shoulder anymore.

I do feel guilty because like I said I was actually looking forward to host her for a month, and I think this whole thing may have caused irreparable damage not just to my relationship with my MIL and SIL, but my husband's relationship with his mom and sister.

Ive told my MIL I'll call her back in a couple of hours, once my husbands back. I'm dreading that conversation but I know what my boundaries are. Thank you for the feedback, it helped.

Edit: Also, one thing that I had to clarify a few times last post. A lot of people were like this is what happens when you marry outside your culture. My husband and I are both of Pakistani descent. Just that I was born here, while he immigrated here as a student. But he's been here for like a decade now too.

A day later, OP shared this second update:

I spoke to my MIL. Since her missed calls and text messages were asking me to call her, I figured I should be the one to call, not my husband. But I put my phone on speaker, so that my husband who was lying on the couch could also hear it.

She said that my husband had told her he thought it'd be best if she restricts her trip to one month, since it was her first time in Canada, and because we were really busy with my son.

She said that ever since my husband had gone to Canada as an 18 year old, he'd always wanted her to visit for a long duration and now all of a sudden he was asking her to restrict it when she wanted to help with her grandson, and said she knew I must be the reason why.

I said it was a joint decision because of the circumstances but she wouldn't hear of it. She said if her visiting for more than a month was so outrageous to us, then that's fine she'll limit her stay but I should know that in Pakistan in-laws live in the same house with the married couple, like my SIL does, and that she had thought I was in touch with my Islamic and Pakistani roots when I was getting married.

That's what my husband had told her, but she was disappointed at how whitewashed I was. At this point my husband asked me to give him the phone, but not before I told her that I was totally comfortable with how in tune with my heritage I was, and that apparently so was her son, told her my husband had just come and handed him the phone.

My husband went in the yard to talk, but I was so angry I decided to eavesdrop. He was talking to both my MIL and FIL. He told them that he hadn't fled to Canada in the middle of the night as a student, they both had seen him off at the airport. And that when he had introduced me, hadn't kept the fact that I was born and raised in Canada a secret either.

That they can't expect to treat us like a couple in Pakistan. Then he listened a whole lot for like half an hour, (I gave him a chair again) and kept telling them that it's different now. They ended the call, with him saying that we were both really looking forward to her visit, that we'll make sure it's a great 30 or so days, with us and her grandson.

He apologized to me on behalf of his mom, and asked me to please let her lecture go and still be onboard with the one month plan. I'm looking forward to it much less than I was but I said fine.

Thanks a lot again for the advice, along with my mother I was able to get good advice from here too and I think I've managed to resolve this issue. I know myself I know my MIL staying over for years wasn't something I could deal with and knowing a lot of people agreed was really helpful.

Three weeks later, OP shared this third update:

My MIL is going to be visiting near the end of April for a month. For context, we live in Canada, I was born here, my husband immigrated a decade ago, we got married 2 years ago, and our son is 10 months old. My in-laws live in Pakistan (my parents moved to Canada from Pakistan a year before I was born).

My MIL had initially planned on staying longer, but I had put my foot down and told my husband I couldn't deal with someone living with us for longer than a month, so she's had to cut short her plan and didn't take that we'll.

I had actually posted about this somewhere else previously, and had been PM'ed to take a look at this subreddit. I had made my peace with the one month stay and was fully planning on being cordial during it.

Yesterday, we had celebrated Eid at my parent's house. It was our first Eid with our son, and we were all so happy about it, getting to dress him in his cute little traditional kurta shalwar. I sent her some pictures of the event because she always asks us to send her pictures. Her reply was not what I expected.

She started lamenting how far we were from them, and said that this is the problem with marrying someone not from Pakistan, that the parents suffer as a result, how unfair it is that my parents get her son and grandson to themselves. My heart literally shrank reading it. I knew she missed us, but to hear her say she essentially regrets our marriage was so hurtful. I just left her on read.

I showed it to my husband, he sincerely apologized and thanked me for not responding to her. I have to host her for a month. How am I supposed to do that now? I would've normally asked my mom from advice on this stuff since she's more well acquainted with dealing with someone from Pakistan but I actually feel she'll lose it at my MIL when she visits if I share this with her.

I just wanted some advice, and partly wanted to vent. I'm trying to compartmentalize this because we're still celebrating Eid today with some friends and I don't want this to bring me down. Any advice would be appreciated.

Today's Update:

Today, my husband told me that her visa application had been rejected. They're applying for the notes regarding the decision, but according to him it's futile, that it was always a 50-50 shot, that the most common reason for rejections is having insufficient ties back home which makes them think the applicant won't go back, that he had thought having my FIL remain there would have fixed that, but apparently not.

I'm ngl it's like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I'm trying to act disappointed but I was dreading her visit. He said she was inconsolable when he spoke to her earlier, that she had asked him to look into us moving to Pakistan (I love Pakistan but never going to happen).

When he shut that down, she gave him his uncle's number who lives in the UAE for job leads so we could move to the UAE (again, I'm sure it's a great place but no) so that we could be a 2 hour flight away from them and have our family grow in an Islamic environment.

He told her it's going to be difficult but agreed to talk to him. I was a bit angry about this, I told him there's no way we're moving to the UAE, he said ofcourse we're not, we've built a life here, he has a great career here, but he didn't want to completely shut down his mom. I personally disagree with that, I think she deserves the truth but whatever.

I'm going to talk to her to commiserate tomorrow (it's too late in Pakistan now), because again, while I was no longer looking forward to hosting her, I was fully committed to doing so.

Unfortunately this does mean that most of our family vacations will have to be in Pakistan now since they can't visit us here. We already need to go there in December because they're planning to have his brother's wedding done then.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice here. It sucks that we have all this bad blood now for no reason, like I'm sure she hates me now, and while I've tried very hard to forget what she said about my upbringing and heritage, I can't, and I see her in a whole new light now. I'm going to be comforting to my husband about this, but maybe it was for the best.