'AITA for telling my husband I don’t enjoy doing his laundry?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband I don’t enjoy doing his laundry???"

My husband and I have been married for two years now, been together for four. I am 24 and he is 27. Recently, I have been stretched quite thin between full time work and full time school. I recently got more hours at work. I am almost done with my degree.

I know I haven’t been as happy or affectionate, but I thought it was understood that this will just be a moment in time where I am busy and working hard, but it will be over eventually.

My husband works, too! A 9-5 office job. The thing is, after a day full of work and classes that go into the night, I come home and make dinner, do dishes, clean up the living room, etc. I have sat him down and explained that I have been unhappy because even once I am home, it is impossible to rest.

He said he understood and would do more tasks around the house. I made him a list of chores that would be helpful. He has done one, and it was for a single day. Nothing since.

I am feeling fed up. The kicker is, yesterday he said that I haven’t been as affectionate and he misses me. I told him that I have been so busy and with the house chores on top of work and school, I just cannot get in the mood to even cuddle or hug.

Honestly, it is hard to be attracted to him right now, but I didn’t mention that. He got angry with me. He started saying that I clearly didn’t care about him because I know that physical touch is his love language and I have been depriving him of that.

All I did was tell him, “do you think I enjoy doing your laundry? Cleaning up after you? Those are labors of love. It is not like I would do just anyone’s laundry. You don’t clean up the way you promised me you would, so if anyone is lacking in the affection department, it is you”. He went silent, grabbed the keys, and left. I feel really guilty that I accused him like that. Should I call and apologize? AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

pearlthreads said:

girl don’t call. let him marinate in that silence. maybe he’ll finally hear the mental load echoing around the empty ass house he doesn’t clean.

Drunkendonkeytail said:

Stop doing the chores.

[deleted] said:

My ex husband was that way. Found out he was looking for a mother, not a wife.

Such-Hotel-2899 said:

You married a man child who wants a mommy. He will either see the light and start contributing, or you’ll end up divorced. Do your stuff and not his. Let stuff get dirty and pile up. But don’t be passive about it. Let him know why you are doing it.

Academic-Dark2413 said:

What are you apologising for exactly? Being upset that you do everything on top of work and study while he simply works and gets everything done for him? He needs to change or you need to leave because let me tell you when you start bringing kids into the equation you’re going to be so overwhelmed.

He should be doing his fair share and contributing to the maintenance of his home, definitely not right you’re are seemingly doing everything for a grown man while he’s moaning you don’t want to be affectionate. You’re his wife not his maid!!

Six months later, OP shared this update:

I did what you all suggested and let the house go to hell. I cleaned up my own messes and cooked for myself, but left all of his messes up to him. I moved to the spare room so that I could keep my sanity. I needed one place that was tidy so that I wouldn’t twitch as much.

I started sleeping there because his unwashed workout clothes were rank and scattered across the floor. Dishes were piled up fast, his hair was all over the bathroom sink, there was trash piled up by the door.

He complained about it all, accusing me of not doing my duty as a wife. When I reminded him that we go 50/50 on literally everything to do with finances, so we should be 50/50 with housework too, he actually said that he is now making enough so I can be a stay at home wife and a stay at home mom in the future. I had so much discontent in my body, all I could think was “no way in hell."

He actually said that when we started fighting, he threw out all his condoms and hid my birth control pills for the next month because he wanted to be a dad and he thought a baby would make me happy, because I was clearly unhappy with it being just the two of us. This is a bit of a flash forward, but we are getting a divorce. Currently in the middle of it. I can no longer stand this man.

I was thinking about how things have changed, because I really did love him at one point and was wondering what went wrong. Here is some context: we met at church. I did grow up in a somewhat conservative community. Most of the women in my family got married and had babies fairly young.

When I met my now ex husband, we agreed that we weren’t as serious with those kinds of roles, hence the wanting 50/50. But we still got married kinda young and we did want kids eventually.

Well, turns out he has been very influenced by right wing rhetoric these pst few years. His view on women has entirely shifted. It entirely sucks, but it feels nice to be able to put my finger on it. Who he has become wasn’t who he always was, and the same goes for me.

So, I am finally figuring myself out! Seeing what it is that I want. I relied on him for decision making way too much and let he want take priority. It’s nice to go grocery shopping and pick out the flavor of ice cream I prefer.