'AITA for telling my husband I’m over 'talking about feelings' and to bring it to his therapist?'

"AITA for telling my husband I’m over 'talking about our feelings' and that he should bring this stuff to his therapist unless it’s a real problem?"

My husband has been in therapy for a few months. He’s always been very introverted and not much of a talker… until recently. Now it feels like every tiny thing I do “hurts his feelings,” and I’m honestly getting exhausted.

For example, we hosted Thanksgiving this year and I barely talked to him during dinner. Not because I was mad — I was literally hosting. I was serving food, helping guests, cleaning up, making sure everything ran smoothly. Afterwards he told me his feelings were hurt because I “ignored him.”

Another time he said he thinks it’s “weird” that I’ve been working so much and that I must be using work to get away from him. I work from home. He can literally see me sitting 10 feet away at my desk.

The last straw was last night. I had just gotten out of the shower and was in our bedroom getting dressed. He opened the door and I made a startled noise and reflexively covered myself because I wasn’t sure if it was him or one of our kids. A totally normal reaction imo. Later he brought it up and said I treated him like “some stranger off the street.”

At that point I told him I’m done having these constant “talk about our feelings” conversations over every minor thing. I told him that’s exactly what his therapist is for, and that if there are actual real issues in our marriage, I’ll gladly talk through them — but I can’t keep having emotional debriefs about every tiny moment where I unknowingly hurt his feelings just by existing.

Now he says I’m being cold and dismissive. AITAH? I honestly feel like I’m walking on eggshells lately, like he’s waiting for me to do something “wrong.” I’m not trying to hurt him — but I also can’t be responsible for managing every moment of his emotional state.

Edit to add some details that are being asked:

We are in couples therapy, have been for almost a year( came home to him drunk and barely able to walk, while being the only adult here with our kids, after him telling me repeatedly he hasn’t been drinking. So I said therapy or separation, he chose therapy)

Our therapist is the one that suggested my husband gets his own therapist due to “him feeling like everyone is always out to get him”(his words, not mine) he was very against going in the first place. He had been married/divorced for a few years before we met and feels that hurt his relationship more than helped (again his words).

We have been married for almost 20 years and he is 10 years older. I really let him take the lead, since he was the primary bread winner and I had been a SAHM until our youngest started school, I then went back to work (which we agreed upon before having children) he didn’t want that to happen.

Last thing that seems to be portrayed is that I don’t want to talk to him about his feelings. That is not true. One example I shared earlier is him telling me he wants me to go to bed when he does (he goes to bed at 8:30, since he has to get up early for work)

I struggle to do that since I work full time, I’m also a student, and we have 3 children, there just isn’t much time to get everything done to go to bed at 8:30, but I did tell him I would try to do that more often so he doesn’t “feel unimportant” (his words) I am just struggling with the comment about things I cannot do anything about.

He made the comments above in my original post and I said I am sorry I hurt your feelings or that I made you” feel like a stranger”(again his words). He responded “quite saying your sorry and do better, you can’t be that stupid to do sh*t like this all the time. I am starting to question if you love me at all”

We have been together along time and I am sure I am not perfect, but he used to get like this occasionally it just seems to be escalating and way more often, it’s a lot and I had a moment where I thought I cannot take one more negative comment.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Spare_Objective9697 said:

I got exhausted reading this. He really needs to bring this up to his therapist. It sounds like he is consistently internalizing and taking things personally. They can help him work through these scenarios on his own without having to work you into those issues. These are situations where he is truly in his own head.

OP responded:

I think you’re right…you just said way better than me. I feel bad for the way I said it though.

Peachymistressxoxo said:

It really sounds like you’ve hit a point where your husband’s emotional processing has shifted from healthy communication into emotional overdependence. Wanting to talk things out is good, but expecting you to manage every fleeting feeling is not.

Expensive-Swan-4544 said:

Sounds like you need a couples session with the therapist.

Sloth-Overlord said:

Do you know if his therapist is good? Is it just him using the space to vent, or is he being taught new skills? Does he have any historical patterns around codependency or narcissism? Most people with addiction issues struggle with one of the two.

I’m not trying to do the thing of immediately labeling someone with something, it’s just something to think about. For some people, the only thing they learn from therapy is how to weaponize therapy speak.

OP responded:

I honestly don’t know. He does it virtually, he goes out side to our RV for privacy during them. I’m not sure what they work on. If I ask or bring up anything from our couple therapy he tells me to “ save it till the next appointment, that’s what we pay them for”

And nolawestx said:

NTA. this honestly sounds so, so exhausting. i’m sorry.