'AITA for telling my husband it was inappropriate to go on a trip with friends without telling me they were women?'
"AITA for telling my husband it was inappropriate to go on a weekend trip with women he met online without telling me they were women?"
I (40s, F) had a recent argument with my husband (50s, M) and I’m trying to figure out if I overreacted. A few months ago, he told me he was going out of town for a weekend to meet some “friends” and try Korean food. He didn’t give names or details, and I didn’t push—it sounded casual, and I assumed he meant old buddies or coworkers.
Then last week, we went to dinner with one of his online friends from a K-Drama forum. During the conversation, I realized she had been part of the weekend trip. It turns out he had spent the weekend with a group of women he met online through this forum.
I told him I felt uncomfortable that he hadn’t told me they were women. He insists he said he was meeting “online friends” and that I never asked for specifics. But I honestly feel like if he had said, “I’m going to hang out with three women from the internet,” I would’ve remembered that and said something.
He says nothing inappropriate happened and that I’m reading too much into it. But I told him I think it’s disrespectful not to be upfront about who he was spending time with. Even if it was innocent, it felt like a boundary was crossed.
AITA for telling him it was wrong not to be honest about who he was meeting?
EDIT: Now he tells me that he is not wrong for meeting up people like that because he says he meets other people in other communities. I just don't show enough interest in his activities that's why he didn't mention it. He meets men and women he says, there is no difference. He said he didn't lie and won't admit that what he did here broke my trust.
The internet had a lot of thoughts.
PumpkinSpiceMayhem wrote:
NTA, what on earth is he doing gallivanting around with women he met online without telling you? If he'd gone, "Hey beautiful love of my life, I'm going to go try kimbap and soondobu with my new friends Sadie, Leslie and Rachel, is that cool with you?" that would be one thing, but slyly dipping out without mentioning that it was all ladies and then him is kinda weird.
Extra weird considering apparently you go out to dinner with them anyhow and none of them brought it up!
OP responded:
Thank you. I would have said something right away.
CateTheWren wrote:
NTA. Lies of omission are still lies. The normal thing would be to tell your wife you’re going on a trip with women and make sure it’s ok with her. And to me it could be a red flag that he just ‘didn’t mention it’. In my mind, there are two options here: he is so totally innocent and naive (and the trip was so innocent) that he didn’t think he needed to mention it, and that’s why he didn’t think to keep these women a secret.
Or, he is really up to something and seeing how much he can get away with by meeting up with you and people from this group together. I can’t lean toward one or the other without more info.
OP responded:
He's seeking validation and friendship somewhere else, I guess but my red flag is he has cheated on me before and lied about sleeping with an ex GF before we were married. I think those feelings are coming up now that he mentioned he has met 3 online women strangers in real life from a KDrama discussion group, when confronted with the fact when he just said "friends" before.
suhhhrena wrote:
Girl. He’s cheated on you in the past, and now he’s booking weekend trips with other women without your knowledge. I wonder if his “online friends” know about his wife?
Throw the whole man away. You should’ve done that a long time ago.
OP responded:
He claims there is no difference in the other clubs where he meets other women, he's deflecting again.
interestingearthling wrote:
It’s not just that they were women. They were online strangers before this meetup, correct?
So how peculiar is it that your partner would not at least tell you the names of the complete strangers they were going to meet up with?
It seems…dangerous or very cavalier to just not let your partner know that you are going on a trip with 3 unknowns. They could have been scammers or worse. People do go missing. Is he normally this comfortable with risk? What could be his motivation for clearly omitting this information?
OP responded:
I don't know, he says he told me he was meeting online friends, but I don't remember that detail at all. that is an important detail my brain would not miss. my point was, if he told me their names I would remember and ask who they are and where did he meet them.
The mere fact he just said friends and I just assumed that friends met people he met before or friends that he's had before me then I wouldn't question that much. My nagging feeling which I hate is that he omitted coz he knew it was wrong because I would have said something. He doesn't still admit that it is wrong.
useless124 wrote:
I know that my wife would never approve of anything like this if I was transparent. If it was something I was really passionate about with a hobby and finally made friends...I get where he's coming from maybe? Had he been transparent from the get go would you have been comfortable with it in the first place? NTA though, your feelings are valid.
OP responded:
Thanks. If he was transparent, maybe. But he did lie to me before we were married about an sleeping with ex-GF while we were together so that nagging feeling will always be there. It is up to me to trust him, right? But the fact that he didn't mention anything in the first place is what is not sitting right in my mind. Thanks for giving me the male perspective.
Celastrina wrote:
NTA. He knows it was wrong, that’s why he hid it. He knew you’d have an issue with it and now I’m he’s trying to use plausible deniability to make it look like you’re overreacting.
“But I told you I was going with online friends!” (Ie it’s your fault for not asking more specifically and expecting him to voluntarily explain who these people are of his own accord).
You trusted him, which is kind of what is supposed to happen in a marriage. You expect your spouse to share important information, rather than keeping it hidden unless you ask the right questions, and he took advantage of that.
OP responded:
Thank you. I told him that it makes me look like I did not ask more questions is my fault. He said it is AND I am ignoring him and not paying enough attention.