'AITA for telling my husband we will not be hosting for Mother’s Day because of his mom?'
"AITA for telling my husband we will not be hosting for Mother’s Day because of his mom?"
My husband (28m) and I (27f) have been together for about 8 years and since the beginning my and MILs relationship has been rocky. That being said, I get along with his family very well and share my husband’s love of hosting parties and gatherings. Recently there’s been a bit of drama in the family due to one of his sisters isolating herself and playing victim stating no one makes an effort to reach out to her.
A couple months ago for MILs birthday, my husband had sent out a text to the family chat to invite everyone over. All celebrations and holidays are a potluck in one of the 5 sibling houses with the host family doing majority of the work. despite SIL being in the chat, she complained to MIL that my husband didn’t have the decency to invite her. She said she would feel “like an intruder” if she showed up.
MIL called my husband to say he should call his sister to apologize for excluding her and invite her formally. My husband simply said she’s in the chat and no one else received anything “formal” and she was welcome like everyone else. The day came and I of course did the bulk of the work.Well, MIL never showed up.
She told another SIL she would not be sharing a meal with someone who blatantly excluded one of her children. we all chose to have a great time and cut her cake ourselves, and treated it like a family gathering instead of a birthday celebration.
When everyone left, my husband apologized for MILs absence and thanked me for everything I did. I honestly felt so heartbroken, because why would MIL not think about the effort that was made? I calmly told my husband we would no longer be celebrating his mom at our house. He said he understood. Today, he asked if we should invite everyone over for Mother’s Day.
I immediately said no. SIL is still behaving the same, MIL never apologized for what she did, and I refuse to have a redo. It was a few months ago, but the way he asked so nonchalantly triggered something in me. I reminded him we would no longer celebrate his mom in our house. He said this wasn’t his mom’s birthday. I clarified that anything to do with celebrating his mom is now off the table.
Going out to dinner, or taking something store bought to one of his sister’s houses for a future birthday of hers is fine, but I will no longer spend hours of my day for her. He asked me for how long and I said it would be a permanent thing. He asked if I had forgiven her and I said yes, but those were my new boundaries.
He said that’s not how it works and accused me of harboring resentment from years ago to make this a bigger problem. We ended the conversation with him agreeing we would not be hosting for Mother’s Day, but he said he felt I was being petty. I might be, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I’m not wrong for this boundary. So, AITA?
The internet was quick to share their thoughts.
Pure-Philosopher-175 wrote:
NTA. Both MIL and SIL sound rude and childish - the apple didn’t fall far from the tree there. You made it clear to your husband about your boundary for your hosting future events for MIL and he is now back-pedalling. If he wants to host, he can do it elsewhere or one of the other 4 siblings can step up. If SIL wants to be included, why can’t she host? The whole family just sounds exhausting.
Jelcei wrote:
NTA, why are his feelings more valid than yours? Although you may be better off with a boundary that only affects your efforts. If your husband wants to host his family and his mother for Mother's day, I would let him.
The catch is that you aren't helping host it. No cooking, no cleaning before or after. It is on him to carry the burden of hosting the family. I'd also set an expectation of how quickly you expect the after cleaning to be done (ie same day, etc). I am betting that if he has to do all the work, he won't be so quick to offer to host.
He doesn't realize how much time and effort you put into her birthday because he didn't host the day. He basked in the finished product and has quickly forgotten how you felt because he wasn't really impacted by it when his mom threw the day out the window. It is a lot easier to volunteer someone else's time and effort than to do it yourself.
Salt-Adhesiveness694 wrote:
NTA. However I think it is a good idea to see boundaries as "for the foreseeable" rather than "permanent" because there may be a future time when things are different.
You don't need to communicate this to your husband if it would wind up with him asking if the boundary still exists twice a year at her birthday and mother's day. However, if you love hosting, and your relationship with MIL ever softens, you may change your own mind and want to host a celebration for her once again one day.
Allasch wrote:
NTA and your husband should have a very clear conversation with his mother about her behaviour. And to forgive and move on without an apology and behavioral improvement is a no.
HIS mother and sister behave like brats, but YOU shoult invest time and work to please them? Tell him that he can host, but you will not be there to prepare anything or help out in any way. Spend the day and night at a friend's or a hotel. Stick to your boundaries!
Aware_Welcome_8866 wrote:
Do you have kids? Bc then it’s your day as well. Are you only celebrating his mother? Either answer means Hubs should be doing all Mother’s Day prep. Downvote me but refusing to host her for all holidays seems harsh.
You’re not doing the prep for her, you’re doing it for a family gathering. But again, hubs should take on a bigger role in prepping, especially if his mom can be disrespectful. Let go of 50% of the work and you’re unlikely to be heartbroken your MIL did not think about your efforts.
And hubs is likely to better understand why his mom is disrespectful if he starts sharing the effort. If the only mom being celebrated is your MIL, feel free to let her son attend Mother’s Day gatherings without you. NTA but maybe reconsider the lifetime ban as long as hubs steps up to the plate.
Revolutionary_Ad1846 wrote:
NTA: but you're married and the middle path is often the best path bc its still his mom.
You can host your mom but I will do absolutely NO labor. Leave the house. Go to a coffee shop. Show up when the party starts. Or don’t show up at all. Don’t help clean up either.