'AITA for telling my husband our baby is not a 'do-over' for the 'mistakes' made with his nephew?'

"AITA for telling my husband our baby is not a 'do-over' for the 'mistakes' made with his nephew?"

I 30 (f) and my husband (33m) have our son (2m). He has an older cousin (6m) on my husband’s side. When this nephew was 2 we all began noticing he did not talk. He would just grunt and cry. I am actually trained in child development and worked around children for years and have cared for my disabled brother for over 13 years. I along with a lot of people showed concerns.

When met with pushback from BIL once: i asked if they thought about teaching him some sign language or getting him a pictograph to help him communicate his needs. I was told “our son is fine and he isn’t deaf so he doesn’t need those things”. I said okay and left it there.

I think other family members inserted themselves more but eventually BIL threatened to cut everyone out if they didn’t mind their own business. Two more years went by and he was still barely speaking. Around then they finally got him speech therapy. He is doing way better, but struggles and they are having to consider placing him is special ed courses.

When we had our son my MIL loves comparing our son and his cousin. But more recently the topics surrounding our son’s language/speech has hyped them all up. They are constantly comparing him and offering advice. Hinting that other kids say more words. I finally got driven nuts.

Called every doctor had multiple speech therapist evaluations…and they ALL say not only is our son completely normal for speech (he does talk quite a bit) but he is advanced in other cognitive areas. I took this as a relief. But recently after a conversation with MIL my husband is constantly criticizing my parenting. Anything and everything is under a microscope.

When I confronted him he admitted he talked with his mother and she is concerned how “little he talks” and she is saying that we need ANOTHER consultant to look at him. I kinda exploded about it saying i had already done that twice and im done wasting people’s time. That i feel like despite all my education and experience that ive be driven crazy and now i doubt my abilities as a mother at times.

My self confidence is being slowly destroyed by his family. Ive been in more therapy sessions because all of this is triggering more and more anxiety, breakdowns. My husband attempted to apologize and tried to sympathize with his MIL “she is just worried about him, she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes of not interfering the way she should have with (the nephew)”

Now at this point I’m spent and I just bluntly said “look I understand regret and concern but you and your mother need to f-ing stop. Our son is fine, multiple specialist and doctors have said so. He is doing the same as every other two year old boy he has played with.

I understand concerns, I really do. But our baby is not a do over for mistakes made with someone else’s child. These are two very different children with different circumstances. Our child is his own person, she cant redo anything and needs to stop.”

My husband called me an AH for saying his mother is trying to use our baby as a “do-over” and for judging his BIL by using the word “mistakes” and when the subject keeps coming up i get a “oh i know how you feel.” I know how i said stuff was probably blunt and not exactly the kindest way. But to some extent i dont think what i said is entirely inaccurate, so AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

HistoricalSources said:

You are not an asshole. You took on their concerns and got him checked out. He is fine, and others need to accept that two specialists have agreed. If you want to keep the peace just say “his last appointments said he is developmentally age appropriate with his communication. We will reevaluate as he grows and is seen by the doctor.”

If your husband has any more concerns, he can do the footwork of finding the specialist, taking him to any appointments, and handling any payments. If he isn’t willing to do that, he isn’t that concerned.

If MIL keeps pushing ask if she needs help setting up a therapy appointment to deal with her anxiety around childhood development. If she isn’t a day to day caregiver she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on with her opinion.

OP responded:

I bring up the two specialists saying he is fine. And their response is that BIL’s pediatrician said the same. I corrected that a speech therapist and pediatrician are two separate things but there is always push back.

I have told my husband that if he is concerned that he can help with our son’s day to day care on a more hands on vs on looker. That i he talks but i made sure to teach him various ways of communicating his needs to avoid his being discouraged and frustrated (which leads to meltdowns).

I have taught him sign language, bringing me books to show me what he wants, I actually made him a pictograph as well. Our son say lots if words to but he tend to lean on non verbal when he gets sleepy, which is when my husband is around.

Sensitive-Medium-367 said:

NTA you need to start telling people to STFU

Couette-Couette said:

NTA. From what you said your husband was the first one to use the word 'mistakes'. It is obvious they feel guilty for not taking care of their nephew/granson properly but they are wrong about the way they are dealing with it (wrongly putting blame on you regarding your son).

Tell them that they better try correcting their brother/son behavior because it is not normal to threaten cutting people off for saying that he should consult someone regarding his son. But I bet it is easier for them to project their issue on you rather than addressing the real problem (your brother-in-law).

ConvivialKat said:

NTA. I'm an old lady and I'm going to give you the benefit of my old lady advice. Tell these people to STFU. They had their kids. They raised them how they wanted. This isn't their kid. It's your kid, and you are going to raise them exactly how you want.They either need to shut up, or you will shut them up by cutting contact.

As far as your husband goes, schedule a Zoom with your husband and each doctor so the doctors themselves can directly tell him your kid is perfectly normal. And no opting out of doing this. He's doing it. Period. If he is insisting they are somehow wrong, he can explain how he feels during each Zoom appointment and get their direct response. He can pay for those appointments himself.

After that, you need to demand that he get on the same page with you or he can go live with his mom. This old lady thinks it's time to put the hammer down and stop taking their sh!t!

OP responded:

He was involved on one of the sessions. That’s what is frustrating. It’s very clear to me he has confidence issues with his family. So tends to fall on me to be the bad guy.

butterfly-garden said:

NTA, but your husband is for not backing you up...and for calling you an AH. DH and MIL need to STFU, AFTER your DH apologizes to you.

OP responded:

He knows that I absolutely hate my BIL and his wife. So he thinks i just say things to be mean. I honestly dont i just avoid them at all costs. They are both extreme narcissists.

Tasty_Doughnut_9226 said:

NTA you're trained in child development, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess your husband and mil aren't. Bar the fact that you've actually taken him to see people and they say he's absolutely fine ignore them. I'd just respond with are you trained in this or that, no, well I'll listen to the professionals.

I would sit down and have a calm conversation and state that this cannot continue. Your BIL made his choices that's on him, your husband and mil didn't push him on those, that's their regret to live with but they cannot push their anxiety and guilt onto your child when there is blatantly nothing of concern. If he continues you'll have to consider whether being around them is what is best for your child.

And OP responded:

Ive tried calmly talking to my husband. Unfortunately his family is toxic. Half of them are narcissistic and MIL has loads of boundary issues. So we do really well until a point. I’ve recently had to really push back on them openly comparing the children in front of them…and not in a good way. I have literally had to say “hey you guys need to stop that.

They can hear you, at least two of them can understand. Unless you want to be attending more therapy sessions in the future id stop” followed by “look if you guys want to do this in front of your children great, but leave our son out of it and keep it away from him”