'AITA for making my husband apologize to me after 18 years of blaming me?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband to apologize to me after 18 years of blaming me?"

Some context: I(44F) and my husband(45M) have been together for 18 years (together for 9, married for 9). I moved to San Antonio from Houston after we met and we moved in together a year later. We stayed in San Antonio and grew a life there but he always wanted to live somewhere else.

We tried multiple times to get a place in Houston but every time we went there something would happen or fall through from going to an apartment and them giving us a different price to me catching the flu from walking in the rain to get to an apartment and having us getting turned down. After our last attempt to move there we decided to cut our losses but even before is when the blaming began.

For 18 years I’ve had to hear him from time to time blame me for wanting to stay in San Antonio, “you wanted to stay here”, “you wanted to be here”, blah blah. Now on my end I left Houston to change my scene and cause it was starting to get quite expensive there that’s why I moved and he knew this but still wanted to live there.

Now this past year we finally made enough money to move and he wanted to move closer to family in Iowa so I agree to the move cause I’ve never stayed outside of Texas so this move will be great for us. We make the arrangements, set up everything that we need to move and roll out to Iowa.

When we get here we move into our apartment which is great but after a few days of staying here he starts to get frustrated cause he’s trying to find a job but is coming up kinda short.

He automatically starts saying that we should’ve stayed in San Antonio cause of this and that more than once and I came out and told him that now that the grass isn’t as green as you thought it was on the other side that he should apologize for blaming me all those years for not moving. He went off on me still pointing the finger of blame and I still didn’t get an apology.

After that I got quiet and pissed off and he knew it. He tried to ask me questions about what going on with our daughter as far as important stuff and I answered in my angry tone and he knew he f**ked up. Now I’m sitting here typing this out still fuming while he’s walking around trying to figure out where my head is at. Am I overreacting here or is my frustration justified? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? Is she overreacting? This is what commenters had to say:

snakeufaceu_ said:

All I’m hearing from here is „my husband feels the need to blame someone for the constant anger he has with himself that he didn’t make more effort to move and now he’s not happy with his choice and he’s trying to blame me too."

On a serious note, it’s been 18 years and over that time one of two things should have happened, either you both should have made more of an effort to move or he should have let it go because honestly it’s a questionable hill to die on.

That said, I don’t like he’s pointing a finger just at you, it’s not like you orchestrated all those rejections the first time around and I definitely don’t see how it’s your fault that you guys should have stayed in San Antonio.

It feels like he’s enjoying the sense of control he has over you by blaming you constantly, and let’s face it, he has that control of you let him blame you for 18 years - if it was me I would have told him to get over it after max a couple of weeks and I would have expected an apology then - it’s not your fault. You're not overreacting and NTA, you deserve better than a grudge holding gremlin

Special_Lychee_6847 said:

You are not a freakin' fairy godmother. Random things happening are NOT your responsibility, nor are they your fault. You're done being his emotional punching bag, for random shizzle.

Don't get too hung up on that apology, until you've actually talked. Like adults. Because if he 'apologizes' now, it's going be the excuse to rugsweep, and you'll be back here, with a 'nothing's changed' or 'things escalated' update before the week is out. NTA.

HelpfulPersimmon6146 said:

Sounds like he just wants to blame you for anytime he is not happy with his self.

Two days later, she shared this update:

Hello, I thought that this frustration of mine would drag on, but it came to a head yesterday. But first, let me put a few things straight to some people, my husband loves me very much and he will do anything to make sure I’m happy and he knows that if he pokes me the wrong way I will poke back with a vengeance which is why I have an update.

Second, to the person that said that we’re too old to make a foolish choice to move without jobs, I take it that you forgot what the title of this post says. This post is about a matter between me and my husband but if you want to be nosey, I do have a job I got mine transferred out of state cause I work from home and my husband did have one lined up but it fell through taking him back to square one.

Our finances are tight but we’re not drowning so unless you’re going to volunteer as tribute to help with our finances (which of course will be a hard NO) then stick to the title of what’s being discussed, ok😁.

Now onto the update. After I read all of the post I had to admit that the gaslighting was there in plain sight but after our discussion I went silent, coldly silent and I start to clean which is a habit when I get pissed off and if anyone knows me my cold silence is more than enough to leave you with frost bit if I talk to you on the regular. When he saw and felt this he knew he f**ked up.

Now for a bit of background context, I’m not an argumentative person, I will speak my facts of peace and if I see that what I’m saying is not getting through to you then I will shut it down, let you think you won and say nothing else to you afterwards, don’t have the time or temperament cause I know how bad my anger can get and I’m not trying to go to jail.

The day comes around and something happens, he starts acting extra appreciative. Now when it comes to my husband he will apologize but in the form of doing things for me, me saying is this your way of apologizing and he’ll say in a sad voice “yeah, that’s my bad” which is fine with me, I’m not too proud. But what he did that lead up to the “my bad” to get back on my good side was an eyebrow raiser.

I told him that my legs hurt and he laid me down and messaged them as well as my lower back, he watched over our daughter while I was working as far as feeding her and sending her to the potty (which he does sometimes anyways), and instead of giving me flowers he gave me tacos which he knows I love and washed the car.

We did talk a bit about what he did and we came together to straighten out the issue so more blaming, I felt that he really meant it. We’ve only fought 3 now 4 times in the 18 years we’ve been together so leaving him is not an option. We both know that with all marriages there will be ups, downs and issues that will test any marriage and as long as we know we can work them out together no one but God can separate us.

Oh, and one final note. I know that mid-west winter hits harder than southern winter and when I get to that bridge of frost I will deal with it. Now does anyone know where I can buy a really good coat in Iowa😁. L🫶🏾ve y’all, bye