'AITA for telling my husband’s Mom to back out of our marriage when she blamed me again?'
"AITA for telling my husband’s Mom to back off when she blamed me again?"
I’m just...so tired. every single time something goes wrong in our marriage anything at all his mom finds a way to make it my fault. He’s stressed at work? Must be because I’m not “supportive enough.” He forgets to pay a bill?
Clearly I’m “distracting him too much.” He gets sick? Yup, somehow that’s also on me. she never says it outright. She’s too careful for that. It’s always little comments like, "maybe if you cooked healthier food..." "he was so focused before you came into his life." "I just want my son to be happy again."
Like...what the hell is that supposed to mean? We’ve been married two years. not perfect, but we’re figuring it out. But instead of helping, she just adds fuel to the fire. And the worst part? He never defends me. He just sits there. silent. Every single time. Like he's scared to upset her.
I finally snapped. Last weekend, we were all at their place for dinner. He mentioned feeling overwhelmed with stuff job, bills, life and immediately she turns to me like, “what are you doing to help him?” I literally dropped my fork. I said, “maybe instead of pointing fingers, you could let me help your son the way we think is best.
This is our marriage, not yours.” and oh my god, the look on her face. Like I just slapped her. She didn’t even respond. Just stood up and went to the kitchen. My husband looked like he wanted to disappear into the floor. We left early. The silence in the car was brutal. Now he says I embarrassed him. Says I "should’ve just let it go." His mom’s upset.
She hasn’t called him since that night. and now somehow I'm the villain again. I just wanted to stand up for myself. I wanted her to stop treating me like I’m the reason her grown son has problems. But now everything feels worse. Was I wrong for calling her out like that in front of him? Should I have just stayed quiet to keep the peace? AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Dana07620 wrote:
Leave him. Tell her, "Since you're the one who knows how to make him happy, I'll leave you to him."
If he won't stand up for you...leave him. This is going to get way worse when kids are involved.
The only half measure that might work is telling your husband that he is the one to deal with his mother from here on out. All communication will go through him. You will be blocking her. You will never go over to her place again.
You will never let her into your home when he is not present. If he is present, you will be absenting yourself from her. The good part about this is you can do this without his agreement. Block her. Don't open the door to her. Don't go to her place. Leave when she comes over.
She'll throw a fit, but not to you since you're not seeing her. But your husband will be throwing fits all the time. Maybe your husband will learn that you're serious and he needs to have your back and pick you over his mother. How long are you willing to live in a permanent state of tolerable unhappiness? When will you admit that you deserve to be happy with someone who has your back? NTA.
Feeling_Weak5767 wrote:
You are not the AH! Having a very candid conversation with him, being very specific of the snarky comments that she makes. Ask him if the tables were turned, and your parent was talking to him like this, would he expect you to back him up? Should it have happened at the dinner table? Maybe not, but if she would’ve kept her mouth shut, it wouldn’t have happened.
fuzzy_passion671 wrote:
So his & his mommy’s feelings are the only ones that matter?? When she’s belittling you, and throwing the whole damn shady tree at you he can sit there silently like a little boy w his thumb in his mouth & ur supposed to just “take it” to keep the peace?! It is NOT your responsibility to keep the peace when you’re not the one disrupting it!
As for your man child of a husband, either he grows the hell up & learns to stick up for you AND your marriage, or he can move back in with his mommy since he loves the attention so much. It’s like he’s purposely complaining to her so she could coddle him & you’re collateral.
Exciting-Western-117 wrote:
NTA. The simple truth is he is too used to taking his whoas and whines to mommy. She eats it up because her baby “needs” her to tell him life will be fine. You’re the bad guy because how can her precious baby boy be at fault for anything? He says these things and she snipes at you because he may look like a grown man but he’s still a child.
Time for hard conversations w/him. Dows he want to be a married MAN or a mommy’s BOY? The problem here is him. Not her. If he had addressed her mouth in the beginning, none of this would’ve happened.
DeviceStrange6473 wrote:
I suggest no one tells her anything going on in your marriage, that should be between you two only. Both of you are in this together. Talk to your husband you should both just make small everyday talk around her only.
His mom doesn't need bulletins because thats her fuel! Plus your husband should be the one telling his mother to stop it, your his wife, its his mom! Husband embarrassed himself, because you had to be the one to finally speak up! Husband blew it, by not doing it first!
Embarrassed_Fox_3332 wrote:
I don’t understand why people say you shouldn’t have done that you should just keep the peace. Ummm no. Crappy people shouldn’t get a free pass for terrible behavior. NTA, but your husband is. If he put a stop to this in the beginning, what made you blow up wouldn’t have happened.
Outrageous_Rabbit842 wrote:
NTA ‘Maybe if he’d been raised in a healthy and supportive environment and learnt healthy boundaries as a child he wouldn’t have x problem.'
‘Maybe if he wasn’t a jellyfish he’d tell you you were out of line’
‘Maybe if he’d grown up understanding healthy relationships and boundaries he’d have stopped this rude and pathetic behaviour of yours ages ago MIL’
Petitetroublee wrote:
You didn’t embarrass him. He embarrassed you by letting her disrespect you for two years straight without saying a word.