'AITA for not telling my long term GF I am infertile until she announced she's pregnant?'
"AITA for not telling my long-term GF I am infertile?"
I (28M) have been dating "Emma" (26F) for almost two years. I made it a habit of talking out "difficult" topics on first dates. Examples are kids, religion, marriage, financial goals, career choices, politics. I figured that if we had anything too different we could part as friends or acquaintances.
We lined up with almost everything. She didn't want kids (I couldn't have them), we were both non-religious but respectful of those who were, politics were a little messy but honestly nothing too crazy. The only real difference was she intended on marriage and I think its a hollow institution.
I thought we could revisit the topic at a later time and she agreed. My parents were not the shining show of a perfect married couple and I honestly thought that was a big issue that I had to work on. Maybe given time, my thoughts on it would change.
We met the parents after a year and she understood why I was hesitant on marriage considering what I grew up with and what she could see just by a visit. We agreed I would start therapy and she did her own to both help support me in my journey and not lose herself to being my support.
Another six months passed and we moved in together. That was a big step for me because I never had a live in partner before because it had always felt too domestic and marriage-like. But the smile and hug she gave me was enough to soothe a lot of the anxiety I had about asking her. Hardly anything changed in our relationship from there. We just saw each other everyday.
Fast forward to now, and I have half-assed been looking at rings. My best friend has been a huge help with his knowledge and I have been keeping it under wraps because I don't want to get her hopes up for me to chicken out.
A few friends have been engaged in the last few years and a few times I heard the kind of proposal she would want - not public, evening with setting sun, and just something cute. We live near a beach so I thought a beach thing with some flowers would be nice.
But this brings us to the issue. I came home a few days ago to a big to-do. A full swing party and grilling and everything. Family and friends were there and I was taken off guard. Did I forget a birthday, anniversary or event we planned? Well sh!t, I am screwed.
But Emma told me she just threw something together just because and I relaxed. I got a beer, mingled, Emma was glued to me for quite a bit of it. I thought she was worried I was mad so I made sure to let her know how fun this was. I usually don't like surprises but this was nice.
Then as everyone gathered to eat, she stood and gave a speech about family and friends and how we have all come a long way, and that was excited to tell us all that we would have a new addition in a few months while holding her stomach and beaming.
It was immediate noise of cheers, congratulations, shrieks of joy from her mother, and so much. I stared at her for the longest time, and kept asking, are you sure? Like a broken record.
I was beyond stunned because I could not have children naturally. I hadn't told her because she never wanted kids and we were always careful just in case. My dad, knowing my medical condition, stood up and stormed out, quickly followed by my very confused mom. He had been the only one I had confided in about the diagnosis.
~To be clear, I get tested often. I was supposed to donate material for a lesbian couple I am friends with but was told I shot a bank of blanks. I did testing and stuff immediately after. I hadn't expected to be so shaken by it. I had been tested about 3 months ago and still have blanks.
Numb, I hugged her and smiled through what felt like torture for the next several hours. I waited til.the next day to talk to her about it as she had been visibility exhausted from the party. I sat her down and just handed the medical report from three months ago to her and explained everything.
She got upset at me for keeping this from her and was even angrier when I said I needed a paternity test, either now or when the baby was born. Foolishly still holding out hope. She threw the papers at me, yelled and called me a "sneaky bastard." She tried to kick me out but I told her I owned the house and she wasn't on the deed so if anyone would leave, it would be her.
She cried, called he sister and left. I had to explain about a dozen times to everyone the full extent of everything, even sending the medical papers to group chats. Some think it was wrong to keep it from her for so long, some think its smart to get a dna test, some want to smear her on social media.
She keeps calling and it alternates between screaming at me for being cruel and taking her joy away in this moment, and crying about how I abandoned her and our miracle child. I don't know what to do. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Inevitable_Set_5334 said:
Yeah I don’t know why you didn’t take the “I don’t want kids” convo opportunity to tell her you can’t. Like, that would have been THE time. Because as others mentioned, people change their minds about that all the time. Does it make YTA? Eh, not really. But I mean, it would have been way smarter to.
That said, if it was your miracle baby, I would think she’d be shocked and probably upset you never told her (obviously), but also understanding of why you’d have major doubts and eager to prove her fidelity.
While it’s also fair to be upset over being accused of infidelity, in THIS circumstance, it’s 1000% reasonable to be unsure. If she’s raging like this, I’m leaning toward the extremely high likely that this is no miracle baby….
Jennilynne1977 said:
While I don't think you are an @$$hole for not saying anything, you probably should have mentioned it when she claimed that she didn't want kids. You could have said "Well, it's a good thing you don't want children, because I am unable to have children." I can't say you are an @$$hole for not saying anything because it's your medical issues.
It sounded like your (ex?) girlfriend either changed her mind on having kids, or (more likely) she cheated on you and figured that if she accidentally got pregnant that you would think it was yours and be happy with it. I hope everything works out for you though. I hope you are having a great day/afternoon/night! Peace ☮️, hugs🤗 and love😘!
[deleted] said:
Sir, that is not your baby. Let her freak out. She knows what she's done. NTA. I'm sorry.
lesbian_goose said:
NTA, but I feel that even if you mutually agreed to not want kids, the info should have been shared. People can change minds down the road. It very well could be a miracle child, but you have a genuine concern of potential infidelity, and have the medical documents to prove it. She’s lashing out to deflect responsibility. You are not in the wrong here.
And armomo3 said:
Before you do anything, you need a DNA test, and YES they can be done on pregnant women, easily. It can be done without an amnio (so no big needle in the belly or potential damage to the baby) as early as 8 weeks. All it takes is a normal blood sample from mom, and a cheek swab from dad. Even though you've been told you're infertile, if you make even 1 sperm, it can happen.
YTA because you didn't tell her of your infertility issues. Even if you didn't think either of you wanted children, that was an @$$hole move. Hiding that would make me think YOU were the one hiding other things too.