'AITA for telling my menopausal wife that she looks like she's 50 years old?'
"AITA for telling my menopausal wife that she looks like she's 50 years old?"
I'm (53m) most likely the AH. I think my wife (53f) is gorgeous. I think she looks more beautiful now than the day I married her. We've been privileged that we have money, so we've able to take care of our health.
She's in good shape. She gets a lot of compliments. But the annoying thing is recently she keeps putting down other women's looks behind their backs. She will pick at every perceived flaw.
She talks about how she's more beautiful and looks younger than other women. I have told her it's not nice but she said she's just being honest. As I said before, I think my wife is gorgeous. She also has wrinkles and age spots, since she's 53.
One day, my wife and I had ran into a former colleague of mine, who's a woman in her 30s. As soon as we reached home, my wife was talking about how she's more beautiful and looks younger than the colleague. I told my wife that I think she's more beautiful than the colleague but she looks like a 50 year old woman.
My wife looked shattered. She started saying that she's going through menopause and that her body is breaking down. I told her I think she's beautiful and sexy. I tried to hug her but she moved away.
She asked why would I want to seduce an old woman. She then got angry and said in a crude way maybe I'm having relations with my former colleague. Out of the blue, she said that maybe I'm having relations with a woman in her 20s.
Then even more out of the blue, she said she's white and I'm not so that's why she looks much older than me. I asked her where did that come from. She started crying and she said I'm shaming her for aging. She's been really upset ever since. Am I the AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your wife needs therapy.
As soon as I finished reading the post I thought “This woman needs a therapist AND a health care provider that specializes in menopause STAT!!!” Yikes! OP is in a ‘no win’ situation. 😢
Welcome to the club. It passes. It just takes awhile. Love and kindness and time gets you past menopause. Remember it’s worse for them than you can imagine.
NTA.
If she wants to compare to someone else and put other women down she need a dose of reality.
Personal_Throwaway_1 (OP)
The thing, I didn't expect her to be so upset. I thought she would have understood that I wasn't saying she looks bad. Before this, on several occasions, I have told her that to me she looks more beautiful now than when I married her. Maybe I'm naive but I thought she would be okay hearing she looks 50.
I don't know your wife's personality to know whether this is a relatively new thing for her. But I can say that perimenopause and menopause are BRUTAL. And by that I mean, there are so many more effects than I think most people realize (I definitely didn't!).
I personally became significantly more anxious and emotional, sensitive to others' statements and comments about me, and my mental health declined generally. The really annoying part is that I had NO idea this was at least part of the cause of my issues for the past several YEARS. Long boring story about how it was possible for me not to know, but my point is that your wife may be having similar issues.
I'm NOT saying this is an excuse for her behavior. Merely that if you (and she) are aware of this, you may be able to take steps to mitigate (ideally eliminate) the peri/menopause aspect of things.
Also, I know there is some controversy over it so please no one come for me on this, but if you and she are comfortable doing so, I would strongly suggest speaking with her doctor about hormone replacement therapy. It has made a very significant difference for me in a very short time. Good luck to you both - it's not easy!
Menopause is a villain and she feels insecure and is being a meanie. NTA. But she needs support. Mental. Vitamin. HRT or something to soften her internalized misogyny.
NTA. Your wife is incredibly insecure. She's probably super concerned about aging, and taking jabs at other women to prop up her sagging self-esteem. A lot of women who have always relied on their looks struggle the most getting old.
Your wife is taking it out on you, unjustly. You can't be responsible for attempting to prop up her ego, not your job. Men generally look younger longer than women do, and being a POC helps all the more (more melanin to prevent sun damage).
Look, coming from a menopausal 50+ year old woman, of course we want to look pretty/younger/whatever but crapping on other women to lift yourself up isn’t how you go about it. I completely understand your frustration with your wife.
Maybe a better approach would have been “I really don’t like how you put other people down. You’re beautiful and you don’t need to be cruel to appease your insecurities. Being comfortable with who you are is sexy as hell” I think you may be in the dog house for a bit but this too shall pass. Hormones are a nightmare.
Personal_Throwaway_1 (OP)
What you said is better and more articulate than what I usually tell her when she makes those comments. Saying it's not nice.
NTA. I'm not really one to pull the classic, "this person is bad so they need to be put down", but I do think that sometimes a reality check is necessary and from the sounds of it your wife was long overdue for one, even if it hurts to hear. It would be one thing if it was just a self-contained issue with aging, but putting down everyone else is a little much.