'AITA for telling my MIL and wife that I will no longer drive them to their holiday reunions?'
"AITA for telling my MIL and wife that I will no longer drive them to their family's holiday reunions?"
My wife (44) and I (43) have been married for 10 years. Ever since we dated, I have been the default driver. She gets stressed about driving and I get motion sickness unless I drive so it all kind of worked out.
For the last couple of years, we started a tradition during the holidays to drive about 5 hours to my wife's cousin's place. After we make plans to visit, all of the cousins would fly in from different states to join us. Since my MIL(78) lives near us, she would come along too. She used to make the drive herself in the past but cannot do it by herself anymore.
While my MIL needs to make many pitstops, more than the average person, that doesn't bother me. I am happy to be the driver. We did this a handful of times with no issues. So, the other day, my MIL was over at our house and we were talking about making the drive for another holiday get together.
And then my MIL, out of nowhere, says, "I would love that, if Bobby (me) would promise to drive safer." I was very confused about her criticism of my driving. First of all, she has never mentioned this before. Also, I get made fun of by my friends because I drive like a granny (no offense to grannies!).
I mean, there is dangerous driving and then there are people who maybe drive with one hand or don't always abide by the 3- seconds-behind-the-car rule. I don't exactly count every time I get behind another vehicle but I keep a safe distance. Honestly, all I could think of that might be considered dangerous is that I tend to speed up to pass semi trucks because I don't like being behind them.
Don't most people do this? I pass them in the left lane and get back in the right lane. I also want to add that any time I have a passenger in my vehicle, I am extra careful. In addition, since we have a 3 year old daughter, add another level of care. I was kind of flabbergasted that my MIL thinks my driving is at all dangerous.
I asked her what she means and she mentioned that at the speed of 60 mph, I need at least 12 car lengths between the car in front. Who actually does this especially when there are many vehicles on the road? I don't mind driving but driving 5 hours, making sure we are safe, weighs heavily on me already. I don't need someone looking over my shoulder judging my driving.
I was pretty heated inside and didn't respond to her immediately to which my MIL said, "Bobby, it's rude to ignore me when I am talk to you." This made me even more angry. My wife immediately knew that I was not happy.
She knows that when I get angry, I tend to not say anything because it is my defense mechanism from saying the wrong thing. Growing up, my dad was the kind of person who would not think before he opened is mouth during an argument. Even if he was right, his reactive responses would make him look dumb and wrong.
I thought through what I should say and I said, "I don't have to drive if my driving scares you. I can sit in the back and keep Lisa (my daughter) occupied." I was pretty proud of myself because I said it pretty calmly. I would have enjoyed not driving for once. My wife, trying to calm the situation, added, "I can drive, no problem."
At this point, my MIL started to talk to me like I was 5. She said, "That's not an adult response." At this point, I just lost it and said, "It's fine if you don't like my driving. I think I am a pretty safe driver but if you don't like it, I don't have to drive. Tess (my wife) said she can drive. Problem solved." to which she started arguing about the rules of the road.
I told her that I will be an even worse driver knowing I am being judged and second guessing myself. It's probably better if I don't drive at this point. Honestly, I don't remember how the heated moment ended but I have been stewing over this since. My wife has been very supportive of me and kept asking me, "are you really not going to drive us?" Honestly, I don't want to. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
swordrat720 wrote:
“That’s not an adult response”
“You’re right. Here’s my adult response: F you. F your high horse. Why don’t you hop on that high horse and ride it to where you need to go. You don’t like my driving? You don’t need to get in my car. Figure out your own rides from here on out.”
OP responded:
Haha. I thought that in my silence. I decided to tame the tongue. I love my wife too much to do that to the woman who raised her.
Twiluv wrote:
When someone is doing you a courtesy, you don’t put conditions on how they deliver the courtesy. Were you driving like a Nascar racer, she might have a point, but we will all assume from your statements of being a “granny driver”, you are quite safe & aware your precious cargo of a child is in the car!
MIL took this too far, as well in correcting your response or lack of response- you are an adult, she’s not your mother. IMO, she owes you an apology for not dropping the subject altogether. Let your wife drive so there will either be a comparison, or your wife tells her mother not to interfere, or she can find her own transportation!
Beginning_Cow_972 wrote:
You were wise to delay responding till you could do so calmly. She sounds obnoxious. Like...is she a person you can set clear boundaries with, or is she bad enough that everyone's like "That's how she is" and you need to just avoid her almost all the time?
I wouldn't want to be around someone who talked to me that way, or who talked to my husband that way. I feel icky imagining talking to my six-year-old that way. Ew. It's upsetting and controlling and gross, and if I was you I'd take a tooooon of space, and she can figure it out and apologize or just get along in life without you.
(Within reason; I'm sure as your wife's elderly mother you'd have to briefly say hi to her now and then or save her life or whatever. But like...no social stuff. Gross.)
2dogslife wrote:
There used to be those television ads by AAA about road safety and they promoted the 2 second rule - the car in front of you passes a marker and 2 seconds later, you pass the same marker. That means that there's more space between cars at 60 than at 30. If you follow a three-second rule, you are leaving 50% more distance than insurance companies recommend. NTA.
bythebrook88 wrote:
"My wife has been very supportive of me and kept asking me, 'are you really not going to drive us?'"
'Us' shouldn't include MIL. She can find another way to get to the event. After all, OP doesn't want her to feel unsafe! And wife agreed to drive in future. Hold her to that if she insists on MIL coming. Then MIL can criticise HER driving!