"AITA for telling my mom my dad is probably dead?"
So my mother and my father divorced back in 2020, they were married for 13 years but it was a rocky relationship. My father was absent most of my life and they argued when he was present. The divorce happened after my father became hooked on various substances and was sneaking out of every single night.
My mom would go look for him but after a while it was exhausting. There were also issues with mistreatment and cheating that happened within their marriage but I was never fully given the details. Their divorce was messy and took about one year to happen. My mother remarried about a year after the divorce and my father was speaking about getting remarried.
However, this would never happen as he would go missing soon after. In all honesty me and my father didn’t get along and the last time we spoke we had an argument which resulted in me calling him selfish and him saying I could disappear for all he cared. We stopped speaking after that and as I mentioned he went missing.
Well it’s been around three years since his disappearance and I’ve grieved and accepted that he’s gone at this point. My father was hospitalized multiple times before he moved away so it just seems like the most plausible explanation.
The other day me and my mom called each other and she was telling me how she hoped my dad was okay, I bluntly responded that he’s most likely passed away and she was super upset with what I said.
I mean I didn’t think it was that bad but she went on telling me how he’s still my dad and that I shouldn’t talk about him like that. Well my mother’s remarriage hasn’t been going too good and idk if maybe she misses him or not but I just find it weird that she was so upset about it. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
foxlikebox wrote
ESH but you're more of TA here honestly. That was a crappy thing to say to her. Grief is really hard, especially when it comes to not getting closure. Think of all the parents of missing kids who hope they're still okay, despite the fact they're likely deceased. It's hard to let yourself believe someone is dead when there's any chance they're not.
Even when people know their loved one is dead, it can be hard to believe and hard to grieve. That said, she shouldn't be telling you how to feel either. I get very tired of the whole "but they're still your parent" argument because it doesn't matter. Parents can be awful. Neither of you should be telling the other how to feel or how to grieve.
sleepyplatipus wrote:
Well, I think in a way you’re always going to be bonded with and care about a person you’ve been married to for 13 years and had a child with. It may not be rational after all he put her through but it can still happen. I haven’t spoken to my own toxic biological father in like...almost a decade, except for one quick message of condolences I sent him when his father/my grandpa passed.
He immediately pissed me off so it was very quick. But I feel like I would still feel some sort of way if I learnt he died, although I wouldn’t care enough to go to the funeral probably… thankfully my mother would never pull that “he’s still your father” BS but some of my family definitely would. It’s just…human, right or not. I don’t think either of you are aholes. NAH.
Fianna9 wrote:
This is tough- bought your mother loved your father once and planned a life with him. She may not miss who he became but she is grieving the loss of the husband she loves. She probably always hopes, even if she moved on, that he’ll find himself and save himself.
I don’t blame you for any resentment of your father or cutting him off. But YTA for believing everyone should feel the same as you about painful complicated things.
Spiderofthelotus wrote:
NAH, I'm from a family where my father OD'D and passed when I was three-months-old and my mother was a mentally ill addict herself, who relapsed after 15 years in prison, there were many nights I assumed id get the call that she passed of overdose as well.
The blunt honesty with your mom isn't a bad thing, and its not your responsibility to prepare her for the reality of the situation. But that is the reality of it. In the same way your father doesn't care if you live or die, you may feel the same about him.
Free_Donut_1999 wrote:
NAH. I'll be honest, I immediately went to check your post history to see if you're active on any of the autism/neurodivergentforums. This big time feels like the kind of blunt honesty autistics are known for that neurotypicals find super offensive - no shade, I'm autistic myself and probably would have had the same reaction in your shoes.
Death is a sensitive topic. People tend to avoid it and prefer willful ignorance over confronting the likely reality. You're not TA for saying it, but your mom is not TA for finding it insensitive. It would be kind of you to avoid the topic or be a bit gentler about it around her and others who would be emotionally impacted by thinking about that - but you're still not TA for stating the truth.
PearGlum1966 wrote:
You've processed your separation of you and your father as a death. That's how you've dealt with it. That's entirely up to you how you process it. I suppose your mother wasn't really prepared for your view on your father that way, and it was a little shocking for her. She's not married to him, but I gather she still carers what happens to him.
Oreocheesecakey wrote:
NAH. You’re just stating what you honestly believe based on years of absence and his history. Your mom is reacting emotionally, because even if it’s likely true, it’s still painful for her to hear. Both of you are dealing with grief in your own ways.