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'AITA for telling my mom it’s her fault she misses out?'

'AITA for telling my mom it’s her fault she misses out?'

"AITA for telling my mom it’s her fault she misses out?"

I need to know if I went too far in telling my mom it’s her own fault she feels excluded from things…for context, I (30f) have a somewhat complicated relationship with my mom (47f) due to childhood trauma and my mom’s emotional unavailability. We went no contact for about 6 months a few years ago, but since allowing her back in my life things have been much better.

I have accepted her for exactly who she is and understand why she is the way she is, and she has made progress in her own way.

However, holiday activities have always been a bit of a sore subject between us because I started spending most holidays with bestie’s family when I was 16 because my mom and her now ex husband always turned them into a special brand of hell, and I always longed for the holiday “warm and fuzzies” that every other kid got.

Cut to today, I let my mom know I’d be taking my daughter (7) to the pumpkin patch with my boyfriend this weekend and invited her to come with us.

She initially said yes and then followed up with “but I probably won’t come if it’s gonna rain…is that okay?”. I responded by saying “that’s dumb considering we live in the pnw, you own rain boots and it would be a good opportunity to meet my bf.”

She responded with “ok, wow.”

I knew she was upset so I tried calling twice before sending a text because it’s easier to just talk about it. Sooo here’s where I might be TA because I pointed out that she has previously stated that she feels left out and hates missing holiday things with my daughter, and we literally live in the rainiest region of the country and spent most of my childhood doing these kinds of things in the rain.

Also that I am trying to make sure she’s included and if she doesn’t want to come then that’s her choice but I’m not gonna have it thrown in my face later that she never gets included in things because she always bails as soon as it becomes slightly inconvenient for her.

My thought is, it’s just rain, get over yourself, you have a shower and a washing machine, you’ll live…and you get to go do something fun with your granddaughter who’s growing up soooo fast.

To be fair, I didn’t have the best day today and I think maybe I let my frustration spill over into the conversation with my mom. I genuinely wasn’t trying to be hurtful, but I’m also tired of hearing her complain about how she feels excluded and lonely when she literally does it to herself. Someone had to tell it to her straight, so does that make me TA?

Also because I know someone will bring it up, I have no reason to believe she’s being weird about meeting my bf. She’s always been super chill about this sort of thing in the past and lowkey has lower standards for me than I have for myself 😅 And also I feel like a fun outing is way less pressure than a sit down dinner type situation anyway.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

VegetableClass5789 wrote:

The only reason I can think YTA is because of the "this is dumb" reply. If anyone on this planet would reply to my being uncertain if I can attend anything I'd afterwards like to steer clear of said person.

Regardless of past trauma - you've decided to let her back in; without renewed mentality about how you're communicating and approaching this relationship you are bound to repeat the same circles (and that's what I think you ended up doing without realizing).

I think her uncertainty made you instantly feel like you're being pulled into a game (can't find another word right now) and you reacted to the perceived bullshit (based off of similar bs pulled in the past when maybe you'd reach out, she'd say yes doesn't come then blames you for not being considered and included).

I am not sure this situation is on par with what your history with her makes you automatically think and feel. This is something you've got to disentangle. But gratuitous slapping and/or slashing, even through texting, is a no-no regardless of the stage you're at in any relationship.

OP responded:

Thank you for this comment! I think you nailed it, and I might honestly pull from this response when I do talk to her about it and apologize. I definitely think her reply triggered an unhealthy response in me due to old relational patterns with her, and that’s on me 100%. I feel so called out but in the best way 😂 Thank you!

Necessary-Air-9509 wrote:

As someone who lives in Scotland NTA. We have a saying "no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing." The fuss some people make over rain, or literally anything that isn't wall-to-wall sunshine, is in my opinion, weird. You can't change weather, find ways to get on with your day.

My caveat would be unless you live in a hurricane, typhoon danger zone or something - that weather is legit scary. But anything below the scary bar (temp, wind, lightening, floods) should be enjoyed for the variety it gives to life.

kurokomainu wrote:

ESH the issue you have with your mother, that she says she feels left out but bails at the drop of a hat for trivial reasons when she is invited, is valid -- but you said it when you said it and the way you said it because of unrelated frustration.

It would have been best for you to say this in a constructive way when neither of you were emotional. I don't really blame you because your mother's attitude is frustrating in itself, but if you want to get through to her rather than just vent your frustration it wasn't done in the best way.

Sources: Reddit
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