'AITA for telling my mom I'm not paying her rent after my dad died?' 'We grew up poor.'
"AITA for telling my mom I'm not paying her rent after my dad died?"
I've been fully estranged from my adoptive parents for about 15 years with very minimal communication and interactions over that time. My dad was an absent parent since he lost his good job and became a chain-smoking, alcoholic when I was around 7 (I'm 43 now, so it's been a while.)
We grew up poor, had to live in a motel and crash at a friend's house one summer since we got kicked out of our rental. I always had a roof over my head and food, but that was about it. It helped me become very independent, self-sufficient and I learned how not to be a dad. I have my own family now with four boys and a good career.
My parents only met our oldest son when he was 18 months, and never met any of our other boys. My dad never cared about me or his grandsons. When we still lived closer to my parents, my mom wanted to be involved and I offered to drive and pick her up so she could see her grandkids, but she always said no because she didn't want to deal with more verbal and mental abuse from my dad.
After trying for so long to have some kind of relationship, I gave up since they didn't try or do anything. To give you a little more context, my dad also said at our wedding reception that our marriage wouldn't last (we've been married 19 years now.) He was a real ahole and treated everyone like crap.
I've found out that he borrowed money from almost everyone in our family and never paid it back and also spent all of my money that I was given for gifts and saved when I was little. He was a pitiful, selfish man that nobody was sad or grieved when he passed, even my mom didn't cry much because she was tired of his stuff.
To get to the real story now, I had booked a plane ticket to go say goodbye to my dad and help my mom clean up the house and get some things in order. My dad died six days before my flight, and I wasn't sad and kind of relieved I didn't see him one more time since my mom said he was being rude and mean to everyone.
I was there for three days and helped my mom clean out about half of the old crap that was in the house other than her stuff that she needed to go through before she moves.
To help a little more, I paid a month of her utilities, paid a few outstanding medical bills, paid for a year of a new cell phone for her, changed her car insurance to save a bunch of money, gave her some cash, made the donation to the church at the sad funeral mass of just her and I.
(Again I say nobody was sad, there's still not a single comment on his obituary.) I also took her to the store and bought her some basic necessities. All in all, between my travel costs and how much I covered for her, I spent about $1,500. Not a ton of money, but definitely not chump change.
My best way to help her was to help her with some energy and muscle to clean out a bunch of crap that would have taken her forever. Before leaving I told my mom multiple times "I cannot support you and can't be asked for money all the time." I thought I did enough to give her a buffer for little bit.
Imagine my shock when just over a week after I get home, she calls me and says, "I need a favor, can you pay my rent this month? It's only $950." I replied, "What did I tell you last week? I can't support you and pay your bills all the time."
I found out that my cousin who has been helping my mom (they are only 6 years apart in age and have been like sisters) told her to ask me because my mom donated my dad's body for research, so we didn't have to pay for his cremation that I said I would have paid for.
My cousin assumed that since I have a decent job and didn't have to pay for the cremation that I would pay for the rent even though I already paid for those other bills and said that was it.
Everyone I have talked to has said that it was crazy that they asked me so quickly for more money after all the other things I did for a mom I have been estranged from for 15 years and hasn't been involved in her grandkid's life or my life as their only child. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Maximum-Grab-8345 said:
You're not the ahole. You set clear boundaries and already went above and beyond to help. Family or not, it's unfair for anyone to expect constant financial support, especially after years of distance and lack of effort from their side. You did what you could, now it's up to her to manage.
blazeitsonya said:
NTA. Shes gone for more than a decade and you should not be shouldering all the financial burden now that she's around.
Initial-Company3926 said:
NTA. They aren't family. Not becuase you were adopted, but because they haven´t been in your life for 15 years. They are strangers. I would like to add.. even if it was family, that does not obligate you.
74Magick said:
NOPE. I would say for your sanity that you need to just cut contact completely. NTA.
AholeEnthusiastic said:
NTA, you did more than plenty already. You did your best to help her, both physically, emotionally and even financially. It is sad That you didnt get the time and relationship back that you could have built without your dad. But it is a good thing That you can move forward now.
Two_Blue_Eyes said:
NTA. You have been very generous with your time, muscle power, and, of course, money for someone that has not been involved in your family’s life. You did what a good son and a good human being would do.
Despite how your dad acted and treated you growing up, you did not take after him and forged your own path in life. That’s not always easy for some people who grew up in the same circumstances.
Your mom will need to figure out how to support herself. You can’t be paying her rent. This, in the long run, does not help her because someone may not always be there to pay her bills and bail her out. You gave her a good head start and were very clear that you could not keep sending money. I truly hope she figures everything out and starts standing on her own.