"AITA for telling my mom that I will respect my dad's GF more than my step-dad?"

Backstory: My (17F) mom (45F) cheated on my dad (46M) 7 years ago with my step-dad, Alan (50M). I was 10 at that time. I knew that my mom had another boyfriend that made them to get a divorce. My dad was devastated to say the least. My dad fought hard to get custody from my mom because he did not want to lose me at all. He did end up getting 50/50.

Ever since my parent's divorce, I hated my mom. I hated that she hurt my dad. I remember my dad drinking himself to sleep after the divorce, I was 11 and had to push him out of the couch and cleaned his vomit. I saw what my mom did to my dad and my step-dad was also to blame for it. My dad did clean up and started to make changes in his life and became a good father figure for me.

But he still suffered from the aftermath of my mom's infidelity. He was finally in a better place now. He has worked enough to build a relationship with me too. Suffice to say the relationship I had with my mom never recovered. I hated going to her place and watch her play family with some random guy.

She never made an effort to keep our family together yet she happily became the loving wife to him? I hated him too. My mom tried really hard to make me forgive her. She said sorry and apologised. I never missed a chance to remind her that she was the one who broke my family.

It will make her cry that her own daughter wants nothing to do with her but I didn't care. I would lock myself in my room the entire time and not come out. I was always loud and clear that I don't like my step-dad even though he also tried to make it up to me. Any gift he would give me I would just give it away. Last year my mom, Alan and I had a huge fight. I called my mom a cheating whore who destroyed my family.

I also called Alan a homewrecker and said "I hope your own son gets cheated on so that you know what the pain is like". Alan screamed at me that he is tired of my shit. I left their house and went to stay with dad. I thought it was so unfair that my mom lives happily ever after and my dad was left behind to pick the pieces of our broken home.

That's when my dad sat me down and told me that I should have never talked to my mom like that. Sure, she made bad choice but she is still my mother. And then he told me he forgave her and it is for the best that I forgive her because it will make me free.

My dad went on to explain that in his therapy he realized his marriage had problems. He thought that just because everything was going on a routine and there was silence, he took it a sign that everything was fine. However he learned a lot about relationship and himself over the last 7 years and has tried to become someone I could look up to.

He tells me he is dating someone else and he is happy with the life he has now though there are some triggers. I was happy to hear that my dad was doing ok. And it made me realize I was being irrational. I am still mad at mom but I decided to give her a chance. I said sorry to both my mom and step-dad. I also said sorry to my step-brother and my half-brother.

Things have been calm and cool for a while. I met my dad's girlfriend. She seems awesome. She has two kids who are under 10. Though she is much younger than my dad but I didn't care. As long as dad is happy I am happy for him. So, few days ago, I was chatting with my mom. I brought up the fact that I met my dad's girlfriend this week and she seems nice.

My mom's expression changes. She went from having a smile to frown. She says, "i didn't know your dad was dating." I said I didn't either but my dad is taking things slow. I told her she is really nice and cool. My mom then lashed out and called me a hypocrite.

She said that for years her step-dad and her have been trying hard to make me forgive them. They went out of their ways to make it right. And I still didn't accept them. But I accepted my dad's girlfriend in a heartbeat and suddenly she is this cool step-parent.

I was angry too so I blurted out "At least she didn't cheat on my dad like you". I also said that I would never accept my step-dad as a good human because he is the reason why I grew up in a broken family. That I do not owe them anything after how they treated my dad. I respect my dad's gf more than I respect them because at least she didn't cheat on him and left him to pick up the broken pieces of our family.

In fact she is the reason why dad is happy now and she will always be above my step-dad. I stormed out and stayed with a friends. I know I shouldn't have said that. I mean firstly, my dad and his gf has only been dating for 6 months. My mom and dad were married for 13 years. And I felt like I oversold their relationship to mom. But I feel like an AH for how I worded it.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. Actions have consequences, and your mom was wrong to end the marriage the way she did. I have no empathy for her or her husband. That said, given your animosity towards your mom and her husband, I am curious as to why you are over at their house? At 17, you are of an age where you can choose what parent you want to live with.

Why would you willingly subject yourself to such anger-filled encounters with two people you dispise? This is not a healthy environment for you and especially for the other kids living there. That is their home. Those are their parent(s), and they don't deserve to have their home turned into a war zone by you, when you could just stay away.

[deleted] said:

NTA She hurt you and her actions destroyed the relationship between your Dad & her

Agoraphobe961 said:

NTA. What everybody seems to be forgetting is a divorce is not just between the spouses, it’s between everyone else who has a relationship with them as a couple especially children.

Your mom did not just betray your dad, she betrayed you and has not made genuine attempts to address it. You are well within your rights to not have the same relationship with her as you do your dad. It’s something you may never move past and you do not have to until you’re ready.

And ThreeDogs2022 said:

NTA> She's got a lot of .....cajones....to compare a legally single man for nearly a decade seeing a consenting adult to stepping out of marriage and a family. They aren't remotely the same thing, and the fact that she drew that comparison makes any apology she's offered to you a fairly hollow one.

The next day, she shared this UPDATE:

his is not a very exciting update but a lot of the people have shown me love an support in this community. Also, I need to address one thing. Many people criticized my dad for being an alcoholic. Well he is not an alcoholic. He hasn't drank in 6 years. Yes, I did mention that he drowned his pain in alcohol when my mom cheated and after the divorce but he stopped when he saw me trying to clean up his vomit.

I know he was wrong. But he has done literally everything to make it up to me. He went to rehab and threw away all the alcoholic drinks in the house. He went to therapy and worked hard on his career. He even got me to therapy. He has apologized for his toxic behavior and also the he tried his best to keep our family together. He has always made an open space for me to express my feelings.

I feel safe with him, I trust him. He never bad mouthed my mother in front of me. Yes, he still suffers from anxiety but he has it under control. I hated watching his and our lives getting uprooted. So, I don't think it is fair for you guys to blame my dad only when he changed for me. He came clean. He stopped being an alcoholic. But say this to me, can my mother undo her infidelity?

Also I know their marriage had problems but is cheating the right thing for her to do. And I haven't mentioned a major thing that is my step-dad and my dad used to be friends until the discovery of my mom's infidelity. He cut him off his life too. So yeah, you can imagine the pain both me and my dad went through. But I am proud of him for keeping his head straight.

So, now the update, I talked to my dad and arranged therapy with my old therapist. I also suggested that we need family therapy as well. My dad fully supported me and said he will look into it. Lastly, I called my mom to say sorry but instead my step-dad picked it up. I asked for my mom and he said that mom has locked herself in their bedroom because she is pissed.

My mom has this habit that whenever she is mad she locks herself in a room. I asked why, he said that they had a fight about my dad. Basically, my mom had a hint that my dad was dating someone few weeks ago when he saw him at the local market with his gf. At that time, I knew he had a gf but didn't tell mom. She took the liberty to track her on facebook (idk how she got her id).

My step-dad has caught her several times looking at my dad's gf. There were pictures of dad and her too. So, their argument was that my mom was basically obsessed with my dad's gf and has been stalking her. My step-dad said it's best that I do not speak to her for a while because she clearly has some issues of her own. Well, I don't know what to say.

Someone you told me she was jealous that my dad moved on. This could just be it. I may or may not post any further updates. So, until then see you guys. I will be in therapy working things out on my own.

A month later, she shared this second and final update:

A lot of you have messaged me and asked to keep you guys updated. So, before I update. I am so so grateful for those of you who have came to show support for me and my dad. Anyways, back to the update. Well from my last post you guys can see that I have in fact been cheated on.

It is funny because in my first post I mentioned that the last time I had a fight with my step-dad I told him I hope his son gets cheated on so he knows how that feels. And now here I am losing my bf and my friend because they stabbed me in the back. (I guess it is karma).

The break up is still fresh in my mind. I still cry sometimes thinking about it. But I am glad I have my other friends and obviously my dad with me. So I can hope I will be fine. And yes I did end up going to disneyland with my dad and we had a lot of fun. But my dad end up becoming sick after we came back for a little while. He is better now. I guess he had some bad food on the way. Otherwise he is fine.

I finally spoke to my mom. She came to visit me at my dad's house. My dad rarely sees her. So he was also shocked to see her. She looked a bit out of the place as if she was entering Narnia. She wanted to talk to me and my dad. Dad went inside his room to give us some privacy to talk. Then we sat down. She apologized to me for acting so irrationally and never taking my feelings into account.

Idk what happened but I asked her if she ever felt any guilt for cheating on my dad. She cried and said that she has always been guilty of how things ended between my dad and her. She didn't go much into details but at that time my dad and her were having some marriage problems. She and dad wanted to work things out but she was still feeling empty.

Then my step-dad came and she found an escape from her life with him. She said she was selfish. She wanted to have it all but she knew someday her lies would be caught and it did. She mentioned that she and dad have grown distant because of the affair. She does regret and wishes she could have handled it better.

She has spent 7 years or more with my step-dad but deep down she still had feelings for my dad. Someday she even wakes up and guilt washes over her. She regrets ever starting the affair. The problem was not my dad or my step-dad. The problem was her. And she knows she has messed up a lot. I also opened up to her about my struggles in life.

How I had to deal with the downfall of their marriage and how it has affected me over the last few years. I wish she had just ended things in good way rather than introducing a man that has become the bane of my existence. I wish she hadn't pushed me to accept him knowing the pain he caused both me and my dad and he doesn't seem to feel any remorse.

She cried heavily this time and said she knows now how wrong it was but she thought that if I accepted my step-dad then the affair wouldn't look so bad on her. I wanted to tell her that she was stupid and that's not how it works. I asked her why she was so obsessed with Layla (dad's gf).

She told me that ever since their divorce there has always been a little spark of hope that someday her and dad would be together. She knows it is foolish for her to think that. But her subconscious mind was telling her that she and dad are the end game. But learning that he has moved on and started dating just freaked her out.

I told her that is bullsh!t because she was the one who married her AP and went on to have a family with him. It is so disgusting and immoral for her to even think that especially after she was the one who cheated and left. If she still thinks that she has a chance with dad then she is either delusional or simply stupid. She doesn't get to dictate how others feel and doesn't get to control what I feel.

She says she understands and has been a mess for a long time. She open up about her own marital situation (which is not good atm). I also shared my story of being cheated on. She tried to hug me and said it will be ok. It just made me angry. I told her I don't need her sympathy now. Especially in matters of cheating. I do love her as a mother.

I am grateful that she has cared for me and especially being honest with me about this situation. But I do not want to talk to her now. I wanna go LC until she sorts things that are messed up with her. She needs therapy and she only should focus on my half-brother. After our conversation ended my mom and dad talked in his room.

I didn't try to eavesdrop or tried to listen so I do not know what they talked. But after coming out of the room, my mom looked very defeated. After that we talk a little and she bid us goodbye.

I did tell her that I want her in my graduation and other big events but I want to have some boundaries when it comes to my step-dad. So that closes mom chapter for a while. And yes, my dad knows about my mom's meltdown and that's why he wanted to talk to her in private. I don't think this issue is solved here.

I honestly laughed a little because my dad and my mom has not been in contact for a long time and he should know. On the bright side, I did get to meet Layla's kids. Ever since my dad became sick, she has been coming frequently to cook or clean. Sometimes she would bring her kids and I do enjoy playing with them.

I always wished to have siblings and now I have 3. Hopefully this will be my last update. I honestly thank anyone who has given me some good advice and comments. I hope you guys have a lovely life. And thank you so much for the support.