'AITA for telling my mom that she can't come over after I had my baby?'

"AITA for telling my mom that she can't come over after I had my baby?"

My mother has a history of prioritizing her own wants/desires over what others want. I gave birth last week and invited her to come to the hospital to see the baby. While at the hospital, she stated that she would be coming over to my house, less than 24hrs after I left the hospital, to "help out and hold her grandson."

My husband and I wanted to spend time alone as a family after getting home so we told her that she might need to wait until the next weekend to stop by. My mother then stated that we were "banning" her from seeing "her grandchild."

She said that her love language is acts of service and I was being mean for not allowing her to come over so soon after birth. We caved and allowed her to come over the day after getting home from the hospital. During her visit, she proceeded to point out everything she believed we were doing wrong as parents (give him the pacifier, put him in the sun, etc.)

And refused to listen when we told her that we did not want unsolicited advice. Fast forward to two days later and she texts me saying "my grandson misses me." I told her that we are limiting guests until the baby gets his first vaccines at two months but that she could stop by the house in two weeks to see him if she'd like.

She does not respond to this message. She texts me two days later and asks me to call her. A brief summary of the phone call was her saying that my husband and I are keeping her from "her grandson" and again stating that she's knows what's best for my son. I told her that we are her parents and she has no say in what we do with our child or when we would like to have guests over.

She has now begun to complain to other family members that my husband and I are being overly cautious about our child's health and we don't know what we're doing as parents. She thinks that we are "being mean" in not letting her come over to clean our house even though I never asked her to do that.

I'm conflicted because she's my son's grandmother and I want her to feel like a part of his life but I feel like she is overstepping. AITA for telling my mother that she needs to respect the boundaries we set for ourselves and child without her input, as well as for limiting her from seeing him weekly like she wants?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Long-Oil-5681 wrote:

NTA, BOUNDARIES NOW!! What she's doing is unhinged. Get a doorbell camera. Keep your doors locked, if she has a key just change you locks and don't tell her. If she wants to throw a fit like a toddler on social media or send family after you to harass you, count it as a blessing because she's going to give you all the evidence you need for a restraining order.

YOUR BABY only wants you. They can't see. They barely process day time from night time. You just went through a major medical event and hormonal shift. If her love language was acts of service, shed be cleaning your home, bringing meals and doing everything in her power to make sure you are mentally stable. Instead she's making everything harder and being hyper critical.

JoyfulStitches wrote:

NTA at all. Not only did she lie about coming over "to help" (rather than to critique everything you're doing as literally-just-first-week parents), she did so after badgering you to disregard your own boundaries for her selfish wants.

Not to mention the vaccines - holy shit, with RSV, measles, COVID, flu, and other nasty bugs circulating these days, I wouldn't let anyone near my newborn until they were at least a few weeks old.

You're not being mean to her. You're being mean to yourselves by allowing her to stomp all over your boundaries. Keep firm and have a conversation with your husband about what to say next time she tries to push. Make sure you're on the same page.

hadMCdofordinner wrote:

Your newborn needs to be with his parents, not his grandparents. She can simply wait until you feel up to a visit, a visit that YOU suggest she make. NTA In the meantime, make an occasional video call to her so she can see your child.

Don't make it a regular thing, just once in a while when you have energy and baby is awake and in a good mood. When/if she starts criticizing your parenting, you need to tell her to stop. And you need to stop giving in to her so that she learns that you are the one who decides, not her.

boscobeau wrote:

NTA at all. You do not owe anyone-even your own mother- access to your child. Do not let the guilt overwhelm your maternal instincts. You just had a baby. Right now you need to prioritize whatever feels right for you and your baby. Nothing else matters at all.

AZford2015 wrote:

NTA at all, I’m so sorry your moms treating you like that. The most important thing is to stick firm to your boundaries and communicate that you will not be changing your mind on this and if she continues to badger you and speak negatively about you that you will no longer communicate with her at all and you will ACTUALLY keep her from her grandson.

MarionberryOK2874 wrote:

Trust me when I tell you that if you don’t set clear boundaries now, this will never end. This whole ‘you are denying me my experience as a grandmother’ is BULLS$%T.

In an extreme case (as she sounds to be), you might need to take this stand: “Sorry, I’m not sure what you imagined this would be like, but you have no ‘rights’ as a grandparent, not under the law, and not under my roof."

"If you don’t step back and stop demanding and manipulating, you will be cut off, full stop. YOU are ruining my experience being a parent to MY CHILD."

Sorry OP, my mom was like this and it was infuriating.

InnerGoneWild wrote:

Gently, YTA to yourself. You are your son's whole world. He doesn't even know he's a whole person of his own yet. Every time you cave -- letting her come after you'd said no -- you are stressing yourself and him out.

You're also training her to tantrum until she gets her way. This wasn't healthy for you before you had a kid, but now it's really unhealthy because he depends on you to set boundaries for his well-being as well as yours.