'AITA for telling my mom's husband I never considered asking him to walk me down the aisle?'

"AITA for telling my mom's husband I never considered asking him to walk me down the aisle?"

I'm (25f) engaged right now and as you can likely tell from the title my mom is married to someone who isn't my dad. They got married 4(?) years ago and they started dating 6 years ago. I was actually living in another country at the time studying overseas.

I only came back home briefly for the wedding and only came back officially last year. So I haven't spent much time with my mom's husband. But being truthful, even if I had, given the age I was when they got together, I wouldn't see him as my dad/parent.

Which is why he stunned me by telling me he wanted to "give me away" at my wedding. He told me he looked forward to doing it for all three of his girls (he has two daughters and a son so I guess he counted me) and was excited at the thought of me being the first he gives away.

I didn't like the way he worded it (giving me away) or the fact he approached me about this when he had no hand in raising me. But my mom loves him so I was kind, said it was a sweet offer, lovely gesture, but I wasn't very comfortable with that and we could figure out something else for him to do if he wanted to be more involved in the wedding.

This was met with him questioning why I'd say no and him saying he thought I would be happier to have him do it. He said given I have no father in my life and grew up with no close adult males, it made sense. I pointed out to him that I had my mom who raised and sacrificed for me.

He was like yeah, but she's no man and I told him I didn't plan to have a very traditional wedding so mom doing it wouldn't be strange at all. He genuinely never considered the fact I would ask mom and he became very emotional when I brought this up.

It was a mixture of embarrassment, sadness and frustration and he was word vomiting all over the place. It got on my nerves because he was clearly not okay with me saying no to him. He told me he should have been my first choice and it made no sense that he wasn't when he's the only father figure I have.

I told him I never considered asking him once for the very reason he's not my father figure or my parent and that role goes more to a parent generally than a parents new spouse.

He looked so offended and told me the fact I never considered him a valid option stung. He told me I couldn't have his money then. I asked him what he meant and he said he had been expecting to pay, that mom had mentioned money. I told him that was nothing to do with him.

It was money mom saved for my wedding as I was growing up, that she had saved long before him. I told my mom what happened and she was so embarrassed he acted that way. She said she'd talk to him but I got a text not too long after from him that reminded me I had hurt his feelings and offended him. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Trevena_Ice said:

NTA. And why the hell would he expect that he could give you away? He sounds like big drama for being hurt by this. Would answer him: "Hey, mom's husband. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings.

But you came into my live when I was already an adult. You are a great husband to my mom and I'm glade for that, but you were not a father who raised me. You never changed my diaper, you never stayed home from work, because I was sick in kindergarden or school.

You haven't taught me how to ride a bike or to swimm. You weren't there at my school celebrations or sport events. I accept/like you for who you are, but please don't make anymore drama for things that you weren't because whe haven't known each other at that time."

DarkThoughtsDaily said:

NTA. The key phrase here is "my mom's husband" vs "stepdad." It was presumptuous for him to assume that since he married your mom (when you were in your 20s no less) that he should even be considered. Also, love the fact that he's appointed himself "the only father figure" you have.

justwannaseesumthing said:

NTA. I am no expert on wedding ceremonies but I always believed that the act of the person giving the bride away was a symbol of handing over a daughter that you have nurtured, shaped and protected to another who is expected to do the same.

Your stepfather or in this case your mother's husband met you for the first time when you were already an adult . He is definitely looking for a spot in the limelight of your special day as he had no part in raising you.

Your mum is the obvious choice of who should be walking you down the aisle and her husband should just stay in his lane as he has two bio daughters that he can one day fill that role for.

Altruistic-Bunny said:

Why are so many men hung up on "giving the bride away". I walked alone, and I love my dad, but I wanted him to escort mom. This guy is stuck in the 50's. NTA.

Kris82868 said:

NTA. Sounds like you met him at 19. He played no role in your childhood or raising you.

Doktor_Seagull said:

NTA. You can't force relationships. He married your mom when you were 21 and you only really started getting to know him last year (when you moved back). Why this person thinks they are a father figure to a 25 y/o after less than 1 year of contact in their ADULT life is completely beyond me.

His feelings being hurt are on him. He assumed WAY too much about this "relationship" and when he pressed you, he found out. He could have easily dropped the conversation when you said no, or explained you were asking your mom to take that role. His delusional perspective on your relationship is not your problem. I'm glad your mom is on your side. Have a lovely wedding, congratulations.

RoyallyOakie said:

NTA...you gave him every opportunity to back down with grace.

Apprehensive-hippos said:

NTA. That is all just so weird and uncomfortable. What says your mom about all of this? Seems like it's her who needs to set her husband straight about the wedding of her daughter who was...checks notes...a grownup when she married him.