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'AITA for telling my mother that I'm not playing replacement parent to her kids anymore?'

'AITA for telling my mother that I'm not playing replacement parent to her kids anymore?'


"AITA for telling my mother that I'm not playing replacement parent to her kids anymore?"

I (23F) currently live with my mother (45F). A couple of weeks ago I left due to an argument and didn't come back until yesterday. When I came back she called me into her room to talk and had her friend on the phone. This particular friend is supposed to be my godfather even though I've never met him.

When I came into the room the friend said that he was glad that I was home and that I needed to stop lashing out and not leave again. I told him that leaving for a little while was what was best for my mental health. He and my mother both said "No it's not" and I replied with "Maybe it's not to you but it was to me and you can't tell me what is and what isn't good for my mental health."

They said that my siblings missed me and hate it when I leave. I said that that's what happens when you grow up around other children. Eventually they grow up and leave and live their own lives.

They changed the subject and started talking about my siblings (19M 16M and 13F) saying that I needed to do more to help my mother with them and make sure that they do what they're supposed to do (like chores, schoolwork, etc.). I told her no.

I've been basically raising my siblings my whole life and I wasn't going to play replacement parent to them anymore. And plus she's asked me to help before and when I tried she wouldn't listen and all she did was get angry at me and say "You're not the mother. I am". Besides they're all old enough to know what their supposed to do.

My mother said that she's tired and needs a break and can't work and take care of them at the same time and really needs my help. I told her that I've been helping her without even a thank you and now I'm done and need to start figuring out and living my own life.

Her and her friend called me selfish and said that I only look at it that way because of my mindset and that I need to change my mindset and help the family more. I stood my ground and said that I just wanted to focus on myself from now on and that my siblings are old enough to know what they're supposed to do and if they don't do it then she needs to discipline them.

Her friend asked me what I think the proper discipline should be and I said that's up to my mother. He said that's too much work for her to do and asked why she should have to worry about things like that after getting off of work and said that I should do it.

I stood my ground and said "No. You're asking me to play mommy to them which I'm not going to do. I'm the big sister not the mother." They called me a selfish ahole for not wanting to be a part of the family and helping. So AITA?


A few people are asking where our father is. We all have different dad's. I never knew mine. My mother and 19Ms father broke up when I was 6 and I never saw him again after that.

A year later my mother met and married 16M and 13Fs father and he died about 3 years ago. But even when he was alive I still did everything while they stayed in their room doing whatever.

To answer a few questions. Yes I work. I get up before dawn almost every morning and take 3 buses to work and 3 buses back when I get off. I don't pay rent but if she needs financial help then I give it to her. As far as other housework like cooking and cleaning etc. since those are required for taking care of my siblings as well as myself then yes I've been doing those things since I was in elementary school.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

I_wanna_be_anemone said:

NTA why is this random guy even involved? He’s not been helping raise you or your siblings. Gather your important documents and move out as soon as you can, be an example to younger siblings that they can thrive away from your mom’s poor parenting. Were you NC those two weeks? Did your mom even know you were safe?

ThatKinkyLady said:

NTA. Where is the father in all this? And why am I getting vibes this "godfather" is actually your mom's boyfriend? Not your kids, not your responsibility. If your Mom couldn't handle working and taking care of kids, she could've done what plenty of adults do and have less or no kids in the first place. Again, I wonder where the father is in all this and why she's turning to OP for help instead of the father of her kids.

fanofthethings said:

Look up “parentification”. I think it will explain a lot about what you’re feeling. What they are doing isn’t right. You’re NTA.

LauretaBloomer said:

NTA. Your siblings are old enough to be given chores and help your Mom around the house. If she doesn’t do that, it’s not your fault or responsibility to do it. Sounds like you need to prioritize yourself and find other living arrangements.

Not to mention this guy, who you have never met putting his 2 cents in. Your Mom needs some serious therapy to figure out how to be a proper parent. I’m sorry you are going through this mess…update us please.

sparksgirl1223 said:

If she's tired and can't work, and needs a break from her whole family,then perhaps you should put her in contact with social services since they have the means to get her the help she needs. You do not have children, she does. She needs to figure it out. Not you. Nta.

PandaStroke said:

NTA. This isn't something to be argued or negotiated. Your mother is used to bullying you to get the help she sorely needs. You can't argue or reason your way out of this. What you do is to embrace your inner ahole.

No is a complete sentence. Don't argue. Move out and leave to go live far far away. Show up for the holidays if you wish. Of course there are downsides to this decision. You can't count on family help and your siblings might hate you. But you trust as they'll get older they'll understand.

Do try to be responsible so that you don't find yourself having to make shitty decisions to stay independent. It's not uncommon for women to leave shitty homes only to land a shitty boyfriend who cripples their life prospects. So stay level headed, stay responsible. Go live your best life.

pinkstarburst757 said:

Nta. But you need to move out.

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