'AITA for telling my nephew to get it together or find somewhere else to live?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for telling my nephew to get it together or find somewhere else to live?"

My (35f) sister "Candy" (43f) has two children. "Tom" (19m) and Lia (16f). My sister is in a substance spiral and has been locked up more than once. I was stuck helping raise her kids while I lived at home with our parents, and she essentially abandoned them.

Child services got involved, and the kids were placed with me when they were 7 and 4. I understand what they went through in their early life was traumatic, and I have had both of them in therapy for years to help them through it. Lia is easy peasy, she always has been. She's a smart, easygoing girl.

Tom is the opposite. He's always been a bit of a challenge. Getting into fights at school, breaking curfew, stealing candy. I've spoken to him, his therapist, the school counselor. I've done everything I can to nip this behavior in the bud. I've tried grounding him, taking his electronics, etc, but none of these have ever seemed to work.

Recently, Tom was at a party which was raided. He was passed out drunk, and they found high-grade substances at the party as well.

After picking him up at 3 in the morning, I told him we needed to talk once he was sober again, and sent him to bed.

This morning, I tried to keep my cool while discussing it, but he brushed it all off as "no big deal." And that he didn't use any last night, so what was the problem. I lost it. I told him if he wanted to act like his mother, fine, but he isn’t doing that in my house. I told him either he gets his act together, or he gets out.

I love him, but he's legally an adult, and his sister is still a minor and my complete responsibility. I've tried everything I can think of to help Tom, and he just doesn't care. He went and complained to my parents. My dad is on my side, but my mom thinks I'm being too harsh. I feel justified, but I wonder if it's because I'm angry. So, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

thirdtryisthecharm wrote:

NTA. Realistically if he isn't using, him being wasted at a house party is the exact same thing lots of college freshman so at this age. But if he is not using, that also means he should be able to at least appear sober and not get in trouble for the foreseeable future. You do need to clarify what you mean by "clean up his act." Do you have expectations around school or job? Etc.

OP responded:

He's currently working part time, but only one 3 hour shift a week.

I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:

Did your mom also think it was too harsh when CPS got involved because your older sister abandoned her kids? Tom needs a reality check. Lia needs protection.

Being passed out anywhere isn’t safe or healthy behavior, so even it was ‘only’ having too much booze, Tom still could have ended up choking while he was unconscious. Or just quietly pass away because his ‘friends’ were too busy drinking or getting high.

OP responded:

I'm going to have a talk with Lia about what's going on when my husband gets home from work, and I've already made an appointment with her therapist for Monday.

Araveni wrote:

Your mother can coddle him if she cares so much.

OP responded:

I said if she wants to enable him, he can live with her. She grumbled a bit and dropped the subject.

The next day, OP shared an update.

This is a way more positive update than I could have hoped. My father brought Tom home today, and he, my husband, and I sat down with Tom. I apologized for saying he was acting like his mother, and explained it was such a big deal because his mother's substance use started the same way.

He got very emotional, and asked me not to kick him out. I told him I don't want to kick him out, however, things can't continue as they have been. I explained my expectations about him trying to get more hours at work, and helping more around the house.

I said if he can't get more hours, I'd ask him to cook dinner twice a week from a recipe I'd provide (and all the ingredients, of course!) And help with house cleaning. He agreed. My husband brought up school, and he said he'd like to continue in his general arts program, but he hasn't settled on what degree he wants.

I told him we would look into it with him later, and speak to academic advising about what paths he may want to consider. I also said that though he's legally an adult, I want him home by midnight on weekends for the forseeable future, and at 11 pm on weekdays, until I see enough responsibility to trust him to stay out later safely.

I told Tom I love him and I don't want him to waste his potential, because he has so much to offer, and that I view him as my own son. He started crying, and we had a nice long hug.

I called Lia down from her room, and we told her what our working plan was going forward. My dad took the kids for ice cream, and my husband and I are taking them to see Jurassic World Rebirth tomorrow, and then Tom is making dinner, and Lia is going to be his sous chef. So far, things are looking up. I hope things continue to go well.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

lecorbeaulemase wrote:

I'm happy to see this update. Sounds like it was the wakeup call that he needed and that you reassured him that you love and will support him to be the best he can be. I hope things work out for your family.

OP responded:

When I explained how the substance use started for his mother, it just seemed to click for him why I took it so seriously.

I'll be sure to keep reassuring him that I love him and just want to see him succeed.

AliceInReverse wrote:

If he contacts student services at his university, most offer tests that take your interests and suggest career paths. They likely also have counseling services for this exact situation. This is a transition period.

It’s not appropriate for you to be taking these steps for him, but that autonomy hasn’t fully developed. Perhaps make him aware that these resources exist, and step back to let him do the work himself. It’s a great time to work on building both his skill set and his self-confidence.

OP responded:

Thank you for the advice! I will pass this information onto him so he can make the appointment.

DrunkTides wrote:

That’s really sweet. I think he really needed that reassurance and those clear boundaries. Well done mama (and you are his mama, because you’re the one raising him).

OP responded:

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words. Happy to report that Tom offered to do the dishes tonight, and is now playing HALO with Lia.

I told my husband that if he keeps up the great behavior for a week, I'll buy him one of the new video games he really wants.