'AITA for telling my parents I'm ashamed and disgusted by them attempting to create a scene at my stepdaughter's wedding?'
"AITA for telling my parents I'm ashamed and disgusted by them attempting to create a scene at my stepdaughter's wedding?"
I met my husband James 3 years after the death of his first wife, Liz. James and Liz had a daughter together; Eloise "El." I met El about 16 months after James and I started dating and it was rough at first. El did not want her dad to be with someone else. El was 5 when Liz died and she was terrified of forgetting the few memories she had of her and terrified of someone taking her mom's place in her and her dad's life.
James and El went to therapy together and she opened up and he reassured her. After some time I joined sessions and we talked through a lot from my place in her life, to what I wanted from our relationship and what she was okay with. I told her if I could be her friend it would be the hugest honor and if she could accept me into her family, not as her mom but as a member of her family, it would be another honor.
We ended up there. El and I became close around the time James and I got married. She was very excited to give her dad away and even hugged me after I joined them at the alter. Our relationship became that of a trusted family member that is more like a friend.
A lot of people assumed with time El would start to accept me as a second mom because we were close and I never pushed for this. I would have loved that, I will be honest. I love her completely and because I love her I accept the role of a close friend and family member and not a parent or second mom. Would I have liked to get there? Yes. But I will never demand it.
El's wedding was just over a week ago and during a toast she made, she touched on our relationship. She called me one of her greatest friends. She thanked me for being there and for respecting the love she had for her mom and her wish to not have another one. She called me one of the greatest humans and told me she believed her mom would have loved me.
My parents approached El while everyone was dancing and confronted her over differentiating me from the other parents of the bride/groom. They told her after more than 20 years of being in her life I had more than earned the recognition of being her mom.
They told her she had basically shattered my heart and dreams. I was able to reach them before they said much else and I told them they needed to leave and told them it was disgusting that they were attempting to spoil El's day. I also knew they were prepared to get loud and tell everyone else in the room what was going on.
They tried to defend themselves afterward and told me it was disgusting that she still won't acknowledge me as her second mom after all this time and they couldn't stand by without saying something. I told them it was wrong and they argued back more about it. I told them I was ashamed and disgusted by them attempting to make a scene at the wedding and they never should have brought any of this up to her regardless of where. They told me they were just looking out for me and I should apologize to them. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
UnhingedLawyer said:
NTA. I have cousins whose mom (my aunt) died when they were 4, 5, and 14. I wish their stepmom was as kind and understanding as you are. She recently made a huge scene of not being recognized more at my cousin’s wedding and being angry that his dead mother was honored. It was horrific. I’m so, so glad you have had the emotional intelligence and strength not to be this way towards El.
El’s speech sounds like it was lovely but your parents’ actions would have been despicable even if it wasn’t. You were absolutely right to be embarrassed and appalled. And you were also right to protect El by making them leave. Do not apologize to them. They were gross.
Appropriate-Bat2762 said:
NTA. Your parents were WAY out of line. Do NOT apologize. Your relationship with your stepdaughter is not their concern.
New-Pea-3721 said:
NTA. It sounds like you handled this entire situation (from when you and James started dating) really well. Your parents were so far over the line, the line can’t even be seen anymore. Also, Congrats to El and her husband/wife.
ssddalways said:
NTA, your relationship with El sounds beautiful and unique to you both!! The fact that she gets to have 2 woman who love her this way like you and her mum is phenomenal and you should be proud of yourself.
Not sure why your parents would be so stuck on the title mum, sure it would have been nice for you like you stated but it would have been a shared title with her real mum, what you got was all you!! You get to have shaped how she sees people, you set the standard on what people she would want in her life by being the greatest people, that's huge. You stood up for your El and you should be proud.
Sweaty-Nectarine4461 said:
NTA. El's feelings are quite valid. My best friend lost her mom. Her dad remarried, but she couldn't accept his new wife as her "mom." So, I can understand why El was so adamant on keeping your relationship as more of a family member/friend than as a mom. Your parents don't have any right to criticize her. You were completely right to be embarrassed and disgusted by their actions. You were also great for sticking up for El. They should apologize; not you.
OhioPhilosopher said:
NTA. Your parents sound challenging but kudos to them for raising such a kind and sensible daughter. You are special and everyone involved is lucky to have you in their live.