'AITA for telling my parents that even though I forgive them, they're not important to me?'

"AITA for telling my parents that even though I forgive them, they're not important to me anymore?"

Alright, I'm not the kind of person who shares her problems online, but I find myself in a situation where I think I need some neutral opinions.

Okay, I (26F) grew up with a good relationship with my parents and siblings. Only some normal issues or fights from time to time, but overall, everything was good. When I was seventeen, I left town to study, and I came back once I graduated at twenty two with my then boyfriend of a year, Joan (31M).

They really, really liked him. All my family. They were thrill when we got engaged the next year, even though it's not common on my country to marry that young. I found out Joan cheated on me a couple of months after that, and to keep things short, I won't explain how. It's not important.

Of course, I was devastated and went to look for comfort at my parents house. They were comforting me at first, but then they slowly started to try to manipulate me into taking him back. That this things were common in relationships and it wasn't the end of the world. That Joan was a good guy and the right guy for me.

They kept insisting, and they even brought him home when I had made clear I didn't want to see him. This made me take the decision of moving in with my best friend, who was kind enough to take me in. Like two months went by, and my parents kept insisting, and so did Joan. I was extremely exhausted, and I told them I wouldn't ever speak to them if they kept annoying me, so they stopped.

One night shortly after this, I ended up sleeping with my ex from secondary school (again, not important how), and somehow, Joan found out and got more and more insistent. He begin to cross a line and would show up at my work and my house, and he send threats to my ex and some of my friends, so I got a restriction order.

My parents knew about this, and I still learned from my siblings that they were still talking to him and speaking badly about me behind my back to other family members, telling them I was overreacting.

I'm the kind of people who does not need a final confrontation for closure or anything like that. I don't need to tell people what they did wrong, because I know it's a waste of time and they know what they did wrong.

I don't have to say it. So I decided to change my number and tell the rest of the family to not share any information about me with them, and I ended up applying for a job on another country to just get away from the whole mess, I just needed a break. I moved back to my country at the end of last year.

I moved to a small city, to a small, but comfortable and cheap apartment. I started dating someone my age seriously and just managed to get my life together. Like three months ago, I decided to give a call to my parents, and they were really happy to hear from me. We arranged a meeting, and they apologized countless time about what happened with Joan.

They said they viewed him as family and couldn't accept to learn that he was a bad guy. They admitted they were wrong, and apologized for hurting me and not protect me from them. I accepted the apology and agreed to keep contact, but if I'm being honest, I did it mostly because I felt obligated because they're my family, not because I actually want to.

We have spoken ever since, but I haven't visited.

They asked me where I was going to spend the holidays, and I said I was going to spend Christmas with some friends, and new year with my boyfriend's family.

They were upset I didn't want to spend the holidays with them, and then they started saying I haven't visited either and never initiate conversations, and I was honest and told them that I forgave them because I felt obligated because they were family, but that they simply no longer had an important spot on my life.

There was a big silence over the phone, and I simply told them I would speak to them later. Now, the rest of the family is not exactly calling me an AH, but they are saying I stepped out of line and was way too cruel to them.

I don't know right now. A part of me feels perhaps I was too cruel and could've just told them I had already made plans or something, but I don't want to lie either. Honestly, I know things will never be the same. What they did was pretty messed up, and it just killed the image I had of them. I don't know, I put myself in their place, and what they did seems even more messed up.

I could never see myself doing that to my daughter if I have one someday, and it just made me lose all respect for them. Also, I cannot change my feelings. I still love them, but I not only lost respect, but the trust, and there's this feeling of not feeling comfortable whenever I speak to them that is just there. Anyway, AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

pixie-ann wrote:

NTA your parents betrayed you and broke your trust. Once trust is broken is incredibly difficult, if not impossible to regain. To be honest their current behaviour just shows their true character. They did apologise and take responsibility which is good but, once again, when they don’t get what they want from you they are running their mouths to family and complaining about you.

This situation is of their making. They haven’t learnt their lesson. They still think they can bully you into doing what they want and they don’t listen to you when you tell them what you want. They don’t respect you. I would go back to very low contact with them.

If they were truly sorry they would accept your wishes and be grateful you are letting them into your life at all, but they just don’t seem to be able to make meaningful change. Are there other instances from your life, before Joan, where you would tell them what you wanted and they would just attempt to railroad you into what they want?

OP responded:

I have a very bad memory, so I can't really assure if they had a similar behaviour or not. At least not with big things, they had always been supportive of my choices, and that's also why I chose to forgive them. I chose to believe what they did was messed up, but that they didn't meant to hurt me. But honestly, their behavior it's making me think otherwise.

cx4444 wrote:

NTA but why do I have a feeling Joan is in your parents closet just waiting for you to return lol

OP responded:

I don't think so. We lived on a small town, and the word about the stalking and the restraining order got around and a lot of people in the town hated him. I heard from my friends that he left a couple of months after I did.

GardenSafe8519 wrote:

You are NTA. You protected your peace. You did the right thing breaking up with John when he cheated. But your family essentially chose HIM over their own daughter by continuing to talk to him and try to get you together again...even after you told them NO and to STOP.

They continued. It was a good choice to distance yourself. Of course you can forgive them for realizing the error of their ways. But you can't forget they chose someone over you. It takes a long time to build trust again.

firstgendissident wrote:

NTA. You should have been able to rely on your parents to back you up and protect you when this much older ex-partner was stalking you at your work and threatening your friends, not to mention that begging you to take back a cheater is just setting you up for a lifetime of pain.

They didn't just make one single mistake. They repeatedly dug their heels in and committed to dying on the hill of reconciling you to a bad person. It is okay to still love them. It's also okay - and prudent - not to trust them anymore.

Super_Reading2048 wrote:

NTA your parents broke your trust when you needed them. It may take years if ever to repair your trust. Tell your meddling family members: that you are fine going NC again if it is going to cause all this drama. That your parents broke your trust. It may take years for that trust to repair if it ever repairs. That the only reason you talked to them at all was for family peace and you can see how well that is working out.