'AITA for telling my BF about the weird messages his sister sent me?'

"AITA for telling my partner his sister messaged me about his job?"

This is my first time posting a story here, so I apologize in advance for any confusion. My boyfriend, Mark (24M), is an amazing guy. He’s kind, funny, and a great human. Recently, he got into a big fight with his older sister, Maggie (37F), which has affected the family dynamics to the point that every single member is involved, including me.

Let’s begin. For context, I’ve been dating Mark for almost four years. His family includes his mum, Lisa (59F), his oldest sister Maggie (37F) , and his middle sister Sarah (34F).

His parents divorced when he was about 16 because his dad was a narcissist, rude, a conspiracy theorist, and mean to his mum and middle sister. His dad no longer lives with them since he moved overseas (this matters later on). I only have close relationships with Lisa, Maggie, and Sarah. I consider them my family because they treat me with so much love and care. Now, let me explain the fight.

Around early January this year, I had a serious medical emergency with my kidneys. I was hospitalized for a few days and had to rest in bed and stay inactive for at least three months due to the stent inserted in my kidney and a heavy infection.

My doctor recommended lots of rest and not to stress much during this time, as it could affect my overall health. This made me feel tired and upset most of the time, as I’m a very active person. Mark has been my support, taking care of me and loving me through it all.

Unfortunately, during this time, Mark was fired from his job because of some changes in his company. He works in sales. It’s no big deal, we have savings, but I was still worried for us (I blame my anxiety for this). During this time, I helped him look for a new job, update his resume, and so on, upon him asking for my help.

At first, we only told Sarah, as she’s the closest to both of us, and we value her advice and thoughts. She wasn’t worried about us because she knows we’re responsible adults. HOWEVER.

During a call with Maggie, Mark told her that he had been fired and was actively seeking a new job. He also mentioned that he had promising interviews coming up and that he had sufficient savings to cover any upcoming expenses. That’s where the whole fight started. Maggie took it upon herself to find Mark a job. Maggie works for a big accounting firm, has a baby, and a partner (not married).

She lives in an expensive neighborhood, enjoys traveling at least three times a year, has an expensive taste and palette, and often tries to “fix” her family by imposing her standards on others and pushing them to make her lifestyle the norm. You can get the idea of the kind of person she is.

Maggie frequently messaged Mark and me, nearly every other day, sharing job openings at her current company and her partner’s (who also works in sales but in IT services), pushing him to apply for all of them. Mark doesn't want to go back into sales because he wasn’t happy doing that and wants to try something different, like admin or management.

Politely but firmly, Mark responded to Maggie’s messages: “No, thank you. I’m doing well at the moment and am not interested in sales anymore. My partner and I have discussed our goals and have a plan.”

Despite Mark’s clear response, Maggie persisted in sending him sales job ads and so-called “admin” positions, but once you look into the descriptions, they’re clearly sales roles. Mark responded again: “I appreciate your concern and help, but my partner and I have discussed our aspirations and goals, and we are all happy. I am not interested in a sales job.”

While all this was happening, Mark was clearly frustrated with Maggie. She always tends to do this, not only with him but with Lisa and Sarah in different aspects of their lives. This made my anxiety and stress levels high. I trust my partner, Mark and I are on the same page regarding our household, jobs, and so on. We always have open conversations and never keep secrets.

However, Maggie kept sending him job applications and reminding me that we can’t afford to only have one of us working. Now, this is where I got involved.

Mark told me he had gotten a management position at a company where he used to work. He knew the hiring manager and the team, so his transition to the role was going to be easy. The annual pay for the position he applied for increased, and he might get more due to his overall experience. I was so happy for him!

We agreed that this job was the best for him now, and he was excited to start again with his old team. We told Lisa and Sarah. Lisa wasn’t too happy about it, but she trusted Mark’s decision. Sarah was also excited and supportive so much that she gave him some tips for managing his future team better. Maggie, on the other hand, said nothing.

On the same day, Maggie messaged me, saying something like this: “Hey, OP. I hope you’re feeling better with your kidney stuff. As you know, my partner and I are trying to find a job for Mark in one of our companies. We secured him an important interview for a Tech Sales job, but he won’t take it because he mentioned he got another job.

Can you please convince him not to take the job and to go to the interview and do well so he works in this company under my referral? I’m going to tell my mom to do this as well, so you’re not alone.”

I was a bit shocked since it seemed an odd thing to do so I told her: " Hey Maggie, I get you want the best for him but he is not interested in that sort of job. We talked about it as a couple and agreed this is the best for him and us as a household.

I can have a conversation of potentially looking into going with this interview but I'm not going to force him or crush his spirits regarding this job. He is an adult, he can make his own decisions" - After that, I just turned my phone off not wanting to deal with this, as my kidney pain was getting worse, I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.

The next day, she called me multiple times (I didn't answer) and texted me weird messages basically saying: " Listen I get it, but both of you need to get real jobs, starting with him, he is behaving like an ungrateful brat, he has never bothered taking my advice. Not this time. He needs to grow up and get a real job, what type of partner are you that you are not looking for what is best for him?

I was overwhelmed with these messages and the persistent calls. Mark saw I was upset and I had to explain to him the messages and the whole missed calls in the last 24 hours. Mark was angry about all of these.

He messaged her again this time quite blunt something like this: " Hey Maggie, I'm going to tell you this one last time, I never asked for your help looking for a job, I appreciate it but I NEVER asked for your help. Stop pushing your agenda on me, and stop involving OP on this. She is sick and needs to rest and doesn't need this. Again, thank you, but no thank you."

If you guessed it. Maggie fired back, he called Mark an ungrateful brat who needs to grow up and get a real job, he doesn't have the skills for management and should stick to sales and a real man takes care and loves family. Mark LOST It.

Mark is a chill guy, doesn't like conflict but would absolutely SMASH you if you keep provoking him or his loved ones. Mark sent a nasty text to Maggie which on basically said something like this: " I'm done with your ass, you don't seem to understand that I have my own life and I'm a freaking adult able to make his own decisions. I love my family but you are making it hard.

You are behaving so toxic and making everything about yourself. I never asked for your help. You are a full-on narcissist AH who would end up alone in life if you keep acting like this, you are growing to be like dad with no one who loves you and forgotten by your own family.

Also, what the hell is wrong with you bothering OP while she is sick and dealing with her health? I'm no longer interested in being part of your life if this is the way you keep treating me like crap. I won't accept anything from you unless it's a real apology from you" Once he sent that message, Mark blocked Maggie right away so he wouldn't see her reply.

This was around March, they haven't even spoken since then. His mom thinks it was kinda my fault since I told Mark about her bombarding me with messages and calls and family doesn't rat out to each other, and Mark and I are missing the amazing growing years of her baby and family functions. Mark reassured me that this is not the case and this needed to happen he is just disappointed in his older sister.

I know Mark loves his sister, but he doesn't want to keep being her doormat and feels it's time someone stands up about her behavior. So any advice would be appreciated, but I kinda feel this was my fault since I spoke out and kinda broke the camel's back. So AITA? Thanks to everyone's advice and input. :)

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Feeling-Fab-U-Lus said:

No, both of you stated healthy boundaries with her, but she just kept crossing them. I think you both were pretty patient. Both of you should make copies of all the text and put them in a binder, because I don’t think his family realize the amount of harassment you received from her. NTA.

Complex-Event-3814 said:

No, this is not your fault or his!!! Who made her boss of your lives??? Just because you don’t live to her standards of having material things, going on vacation or living in a fancy house doesn’t mean her way is better!!!! Please continue on your journey and live the way that makes you both happy, we only get one life to live.

FandomFreak1980 said:

You are absolutely NTA! Tell his mom that you and he don't keep secrets from one another, and besides that, he could SEE that you were much more stressed than you had been and asked about it. It's bad for your recovery and he was worried for you. He cut his sister out because she's not only stomping all over your boundaries, she's actively hindering your health.

froggie191 said:

My company offers a generous referral bonus if we refer a successful applicant, maybe Maggie has an ulterior motive.

SunshinePrincess21 said:

NTA! Also not your fault. You and your partner seem to have a healthy relationship, discussing the messages was absolutely the right thing to do. I don’t even get the ‘family doesn't rat out to each other’ part. If she thinkS partners keeping secrets from each other is appropriate it’s no wonder she is divorced. Mark’s dad wasn‘t the only problem in their marriage.