'AITA for telling my pregnant friend the father of her baby deserves to know?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my pregnant friend the father deserves to know?"

A close friend of almost 10 years informed me yesterday she is 7 weeks pregnant. I am beyond excited for her, I have a 3 month old who she's been a wonderful aunt to and I can see she'll be a wonderful mother, but admittedly I was confused as she had gotten out of her long term relationship about 6 months ago.

We tell each other pretty much everything, I knew she'd had a 1 night stand but that was 3 and a half months ago so the dates didn't add up.

So, after being excited and gladly telling her I'll have so much stuff to give her that my daughter outgrows, I asked who the father was.

Turns out it was her ex. They'd met up at a mutual friends 30th birthday celebration (I didn't go as I had baby) and one thing lead to another. She said it was a mistake that she regretted days later but this pregnancy was a welcomed surprise. I asked if she had told him yet. She said she doesn't plan to.

I was a bit taken aback. They'd been together for 8 years and were truly wonderful together, even discussing starting a family. Things only got rough start of the year when his mother died and he took on the roll of looking after his father with early onset dementia. They ended up arguing a lot, she wanted the father to go into assisted living but he wasn't ready for that yet. Ultimately, they decided to split.

I told her he deserves to know, they had a long loving history and while not together anymore he is a great guy who would be an amazing father and she can bet he'd do anything for them. She got upset, saying it's her body her choice.

I said I agree that it's her body and those decisions are always hers, but she's decideing to have this baby and it takes two to make a child. I said he'll figure it out eventually as we all still run in the same friend groups and live in the same town. She ended up saying she wasn't going to tell him and that was final.

Later, I received a Facebook message from a mutual friend saying she was disappointed in me for trying to push her into telling the father and I should support her decision. She said I was prejudice, that I have a loving involved husband so I don't know what it's like to be a single mum. AITA? I'm not saying she is obligated to do so but I just think morally it's the right thing to do.

Again, he will find out eventually and unless she lies to him about sleeping with other people I'm sure he will easily put it together. I think she's setting herself up for a really crap time in the future.

Edit 1: My husband and her ex are friends who talk regularly. I haven't told my husband as of yet. I know he will tell him right away if I do.

Edit 2: In the almost 10 years I've known her she's always been an open book and one to tell you exactly what she thinks. Like, she's the type to tell strangers on the train her whole life story if they said hi how are you in passing. Kt's something I've always admired about her, her confidence and honesty. So this is surprising. My husband has known ex for 18 years but has only been close for the past 5.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Competitive_Test6697 said:

If youre getting Facebook messages then shes doing a terrible job keeping it quiet.

Sit back, be a friend and let him find out another way. It'll happen anyways.

OP responded:

I know she's told 3 of our mutual friends, her parents and sister. Possibly told more. So, definitely a chance for it to spread a lot more quickly than him finding out later down the line

Organic-Activity-255 said:

He is 100% going to find out regardless if she tells him or not. This will not end the way she thinks it will. You really don’t need to intervene because he will find out.

byfar82 said:

So your husband and her ex are friends yet she told you and expects you to not tell your husband? Nta but if she truly didn’t want him to know she shouldn’t have told so many people. And that my body, my choice excuse doesn’t apply here.

Thatanndradona said:

She’s only 7 weeks along. She’s probably still processing the whole thing, an unexpected pregnancy, no matter how welcome, is a lot to take in. This is what she’s saying now, she very well may change her mind as things progress and she has a chance to think. NTA for your opinion but right now, give her the space to process this and chances are, she will likely tell him. You need to back off for now.

And AlternativeMaster263 said:

NTA. The father has a right to know and more importantly, the child has a right to know who their father is. So sooner or later, she'll have to tell him. It's immature not to.

A day later, she posted this first update:

So, a few days after finding out my friend is pregnant and isn't planning on telling the father (her ex) my husband comes home from work. "Friends sister came into work today, she asked what we'd be passing on to friend baby wise so that she knew what not to get for gifts... Did you know she was pregnant?"

I told him she'd told me a few days earlier and I was going to tell him after her NIPT results were back (I was planning on letting friend know I was going to tell my husband even though she never actually asked me not to.

She actually never asked me not to say anything to anyone but I'm sure it was silently implied). I hadn't even really finished saying that I knew when he says "It's exes isn't it? He told me they hooked up at mutual friends party last month. Does HE know?"

So, I told him all I knew and what I had told friend. He looked at our daughter and said "He's going to find out eventually, if not from her I feel it should come from a friend at least so he knows we haven’t all lied to him."

I said I was staying out of if for now, planning on waiting until friend and I met up again (she has been happily txting me letting me know when scans are etc like nothing happened) and talking with her again asking why she feels the way she does, talking more logistical than moral, but at the end of the day I will respect her decision if it's final but let her know that it is likely a bad one.

If she didnt want to talk then I was going to leave it at that but let her know if there are any bad situations that arise from this I am staying out of it entirely.

I said it was up to him what he wanted to do for ex.

He said he figures if friends sister is happily chatting away it can't be that big of a secret and he's going to mention it next time him and ex talk. He said he probably won't outright say he knows he's the father as he figures ex will realise pretty damn quickly. He also said that if sides are to be chosen, he would pick ex 100%.

I said if it comes to any battles, I'm focusing on my own peace and family. I'm happy to pass on outgrown baby clothes and items to help friend out but otherwise I'm out.

P.S: for all those concerned that I was endangering my marriage by not telling my husband straight away... I've been with the man for almost 14 years, and known him for 20 (childhood sweethearts) I know how he thinks and feels.

I did tell him that I made a post and people were concerned and he said if this was a marriage breaking secret, one that has no affect on him at all, he can't imagine what other basic sh!t people break up over and surely it must be fragile to begin with.

Five days later, OP shared a second update:

So, my husband had a catch up with the ex and was going to tell him but ex mentioned it first. He said he found out this morning as pregnant friends mum had reached out to tell him (unsure how she approached it or what was said but good on her imo).

He is understandably upset and confused. He said while yes they were drunk he had said he initially wouldn't go further when they hooked up as he did not have protection but she insisted she was on birth control and she had been when they were together so he took her word for it.

They had talked a few times after as well, just casual texts, where friend had kept mentioning she had a good time. He had chosen to ignore those specific remarks as he still had feelings for her but didn't want to go down that road as he felt it was to messy and hes focusing on his father, so he would just change the subject.

(Part of me wonders if maybe friend has noticed this and taken it as him not caring about her and this influencing her decision.) He isn't sure how to approach it, but is going to wait 2 or 3 months to give her a chance to come to him. After that he said he'll confront her a ask for a paternity test as well.

He very much wants to be in this child's life if it is his but doesn't want to fight about it as he's afraid of what harm it could potentially do to the child in the long run.

He told husband to tell me there's no ill will in me not saying anything to him directly and choosing to stay out of it, thanked me for telling her that he deserves to know. He asked us to support her any way we can and he's happy for me to mention that her mum told him (if she doesn't already know. Will be interesting)

She texted me this morning with her NIPT results and wants to meet up to discuss organizing a gender reveal and baby shower. She said she realizes its a bit early but is excited to get planning. I'll unlikely update again, so thanks for reading. I am hoping for the child's sake things goes smoothly